If you want to know, ... ask

This will be short.

I telephoned Wife. She was mad because I had sent an e-mail to Boyfriend 4, during which I had mentioned that she was in love with Boyfriend 5: how dare I? Ummm, ... sorry, I had no idea this was a secret. I mean, it's not like I told the in-laws, or her friends from church. But is Boyfriend 4 off-limits? At least he's not going to be shocked at her falling in love with somebody outside of marriage!

Well no, she just wanted to be able to tell him in her own way.

OK, I apologized a few more times because there is something I wanted to know from her, and I knew she would never answer the question while still mad at me: what would it take for her to be comfortable discussing her romantic life with me? Let's set an idealized goal of perfect communication:

• where she would feel free to say "I've been getting to know this guy and I really like him and I think I might be falling in love" without my having to ask (and without waiting till it is a done deal);
• where, for that matter, she would feel free to say "I hope you had a nice day at work; I went over to So-and-so's house and he fucked my brains out all day until I went to get the kids from school -- would you believe I had three orgasms in one afternoon?" without fear that I would mope and sulk [I probably would anyway, but I'd like her not to be afraid of that and therefore censor herself];
• and where, on the flip side, I would feel equally free to say "I worry that handing your affection out so cheaply could make your depression worse, by undermining your hard-earned self-esteem" without her freaking neurotically over my disapproval and therefore shutting down any further communication on the subject.

So if that is the goal, how do we get there? More particularly, the way I put it to her was "What do I have to change so that you would feel free talking to me this way?"

She was very quiet. When I asked her if she understood what I wanted, she said yes. She even agreed that would be wonderful, if only we could get there ... if we could manage to talk about her romantic life without either of us being afraid of the consequences of what we might say. But she added that she had no idea of how to get there.

"Really?" I asked. When was the last time that I yelled about any of your lovers? That's easy, she answered: Boyfriend 2. Yes, I said, and that proves my point; because he was the one you lied about the most. And while I may not like what I hear the rest of the time -- no guy wants to hear how much better in bed the other fellow is -- the only thing that makes me angry is the deceit.

Well, she went on, but I might not like what I hear. True, I conceded, but I don't think the world revolves around me. If there's something I don't like, maybe I just have to deal with it. Of course, I'd be grateful if you would listen to me rather than ignore me; but regardless how you respond, it is better from my perspective if you can at least talk to me.

I think she wanted to prove that I didn't really mean that, so she gave me what was supposed to sound like an extreme example: suppose she said that she was in love with all three generations of Boyfriend 5? But this was hardly shocking ... hadn't she already said nearly the same thing a couple days ago? So I went her one better, based on ideas that I have already mulled over in earlier posts: I said fine, let's assume that you are in love with all of them; and also that the only thing keeping you out of their respective beds is the thousands of miles of geography separating you; and therefore that if you ever visit their country or they ever come here, there is no telling what might happen on the physical level. You might decide that the teenager was too much of a little boy, or the old man might not be able to get it up any more, but we won't rule anything out until the time comes. Great, so we have assumed this -- what now?

I really think she was expecting me to be outraged. That I replied so matter-of-factly left her quiet again. And finally, she said she'd think about how to answer my question "How do we get there from here?" So we'll see ....

Of course her chronic infidelities bug me; if they didn't, I wouldn't be writing this blog to try to figure them out. But lies and secrecy bug me more. If we can find a way to get totally past the lies and secrecy without her being afraid what I might think, then maybe we can finally get to the point where I can actually tell her what I think without shutting down all the communication again. We'll see.