Selections from Wife's list

So Wife spent part of the day -- when she wasn't IM'ing with Boyfriend 5 -- coming up with a list of basic demands. I guess this is because she thought -- as I describe here -- that I had asked for this. Of course, that's not at all the kind of list I was thinking of, but it is an interesting artifact in its own right. Let me quote a couple of the points and then comment on them.

I am willing to offer a week of "no contact" with [Boyfriend 5
and his family] beyond a daily e-mail stating "I’m ok" – nothing more – with no
response from them, and that because they are worried for my welfare. After that
length of time, though, I must be allowed some contact on a regular basis. An
hour a day for another two weeks would be reasonable and still amount to
severely curtailed contact, if the concern is that they will have far more time
with me than you will, and thus be able to brainwash me against you. But "no
contact" is not ok; it cuts me off from my outside support system and hurts my
friends, as well.

This, of course, misses the point. The question is, rather, What would it take for me to be your support system? What would it take for you to feel safe enough that you didn't need any protection from me? That's not what she answers.

We have to start from not assuming that a sexual relationship is the goal. I know that shaving your beard and mustache off is non-negotiable with you because you haven’t felt like you got "paid" enough for it in the past, and equally, sleeping with you while you have them is non-negotiable to me. They hurt, and sex without foreplay doesn’t work for me. Sex without trust doesn’t work for me and that would take longer, anyway.

Oh, let's get real for a minute. A sexual relationship is not the goal because you haven't been able to orgasm for two years, even when you masturbate by yourself in an empty house, except for once recently when you used the hot jets of the spa. The shower heads don't work, your vibrators don't work, your fingers just make you sore (as do mine) ... nothing works for you these days. You don't have to blame my beard. If that were the only problem and you didn't have other neurotic anxieties preventing you from enjoying sex, I might shave it off. Or we might find forms of foreplay that don't involve my lips. But the fact is that not long ago we went for two solid years without ever fucking once, and that was back when I was clean-shaven. I also brought you to a soul-shaking orgasm once a couple of Easters ago, and that was when I did have my beard. In other words, that is an excuse and not a meaningful variable.

I nor my friends has any intention of harming you in any way.
It would be nice if you could stop accusing me (and them) of plans to murder
you, since that is, in fact, a serious accusation and nobody means to do
anything of the kind.

Really? How nice to know. That must be why Boyfriend 5 said to you recently, ...

[If you, Wife, go offline for a week and don't come back online
promptly at the end of the week,] I *WILL* be upset, upset enough to come and
look for you, ....And if I come and look for you, I make no promises. In
other words, if [Hosea doesn't let you continue to communicate with me],
... you may well not have to worry about divorcing him, because...You just
may not.

I guess Boyfriend 5 was just promising to pay me off with millions of dollars so that I would let you go in peace. Is that it? Or was that really a threat after all, notwithstanding that you say nobody is planning anything of the kind?

It may be worth considering living temporarily in separate
quarters, as with one of us in an extended-stay motel within driving distance of
home, if we are going to consider a more permanent separation and before we do
so.

This was Boyfriend 5's idea. Not sure what the benefit would be, except that I couldn't tell if Wife were talking to him in the middle of the night.

Then we get to bigger stuff:

I have for a long time found mutual respect and equality
missing in our relationship. I think it was there when we first got together.
You have explained why you have withdrawn it over time. But I don’t think that
there is much hope for the relationship without it, and I can’t try for an
indefinite but expectedly long period of time to hope to regain those things
while you treat me with clear disdain.

This kind of baffles me. When she is talking about anybody else, Wife is a strong champion of the notion that respect must be earned, not just given as a free present. I have explained clearly to her that my inability to respect her is a direct consequence of things that she does -- lying to me, first and foremost. If she wants that respect back, she has to stop lying to me. And then it will take a little time, before I believe that she really means it. Does she have any intention of no longer lying to me? Well, in a rare moment of candor she told Boyfriend 5 (earlier today): ...

I can see why he thinks we're over unless something drastic
changes. Why he thinks I've lied to him, misrepresented things, chosen others
over him. I *have*.

Yes, babe, you have. And am I supposed to respect that? Or am I supposed to be too stupid to know about it? Could you respect me if I were that easily manipulable?

More to the point, can you possibly respect yourself knowing that you can't stop lying? Is it enough for you that you think I don't have any evidence to the contrary, so you can get away with it? Doesn't it simply bother you to find yourself lying in the first place? Doesn't it bother you even more when Boyfriend 5 starts lying? It should, you know.

And finally, ....

Your attitude is manifest ...even in simple lack of kindness
much of the time, and it gives me little reason to want to please you. Perhaps
you have a suggestion for this; I think it’s a situation that has devolved over
time and has continued to worsen until we’ve gotten to the point of barely
tolerating each other. You don’t like or respect me, so why would you want to go
on with me? As a result, you don’t treat me very well (though you think you do),
and I therefore don’t like you much either. Oh, I love you. I’m grateful for
everything you’ve done for me for 25 years. I don’t want to split up the family.
But where does that really leave us? Is there some basis to work on anyway? Or
does that just pull the floor out from under us? In which case, should we just
throw in the towel and admit defeat?

I don't really know what to say to this. Do you have to have people bow and scrape to you to soldier on? Do you have to worry about frivolous, ephemeral stuff like who likes whom? It seems to me that "liking" is a will-o'-the-wisp; here now, gone in five minutes. Who could possible care about a payoff that is so transitory? By my lights, love -- which for me is an act of will at least as much as it is an emotion -- is way stronger than liking and way more important. If you disagree, then we have serious value conflicts lurking not far below the surface. That's too bad. But I guess it is important to learn the truth, if indeed it is true ....