But I have been realizing for some time that Wife and I have different ideas of what marriage means. And I believe I have read that there are churches somewhere -- none that we belong to, but never mind that -- who teach that a marriage is not valid unless both parties have the same understanding of what marriage is, of what it means. Absent that common understanding, so this teaching goes -- no marriage.
Wife has been talking a lot lately about her unmet needs. She still hasn't told me what they are, so I could see if there are any I might be willing to try to meet -- but her conversations with Boyfriend 5 are full of remarks like "Why should I stay in a marriage just because it is 25 years old, if it is not meeting any of my needs? Especially when my relationship with you does meet all those needs! Where is the fairness in that?"
Well, that is certainly one view of marriage -- and even a pretty common one, these days. For my own part, I incline to a different understanding, however. The following excerpt was written by a friend of a friend several years ago, and I am quoting it extensively with permission:
... It should be noted that Faith is in some ways a radical demand today since it is not easily compatible with the commercial spirit which informs modern life in the West. The commercial spirit treats all relationships according to the model of the marketplace; on this view, the goal of the individual is to get his needs met, and he engages in a variety of transactions to do so. The value of a transaction is measured by how fully it meets the needs of the individual (balanced against its cost), and there are always multiple tradesmen competing for one’s business. Therefore, life is (on this model) a long stream of choices among competing suppliers, with the goal of maximizing one’s happiness or well-being.
... The commercial spirit differs from Christianity in that it refuses (as a point of principle) to recognize any distinction between short-term and long-term goods – or, to put it another way, between the true Good and whatever one happens to imagine that one’s own personal Good might be.
The commercial spirit, therefore, requires a constant re-evaluation of costs and benefits for every transaction that an individual might make. This is a good way to buy groceries on a budget, but it has some odd consequences in other areas of life. A husband [or wife, of course! --Hosea] who approaches his marriage in the commercial spirit is always re-evaluating whether his wife still meets his needs enough to make her worth the trouble she costs him; if not, like any rational consumer, he takes his business elsewhere. A soldier who thinks of his career in commercial terms may have chosen his line of work because of its favorable benefits; but when war comes, the balance between cost and benefit shifts and, like any rational consumer, he leaves his station.
Faith, by contrast, means choosing the Good even when there is no obvious short-term benefit to the one doing the choosing. A faithful husband stays with his wife because it is (in the longest possible term, or sub specie aeternitatis) the Good thing to do, even if he can get his short-term needs met by somebody else a lot cheaper. (If this is faithfulness, it follows that divorce is in principle just a legally-sanctioned form of infidelity.) A faithful soldier stays at his post even when the enemy is shooting at him.
So do we have the same understanding of what marriage is? I don't think so -- or at any rate, not today we don't. (I can't remember all the way back to when we were married, to answer what we thought then.) Therefore, ... are we really married? Or are we just legal partners in a contract that allows us to raise children and hold property in common? I think there is a difference. And that means that if we ever do divorce, it may be no more than a formality.
I don't want to think like that, however, and I hope I don't have to.
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