Counselor: So what do you two talk about?
Hosea: Well, actually it has been tough finding topics that we still have in common that we can discuss.
Counselor: Do you ever talk about what went on at work?
Hosea: No, usually not.
Counselor: Why not?
Hosea: [thinks to self] I never remember what went on at work because I spend all day thinking about my girlfriend, when I'm not e-mailing her or making plans to see her. [actually says out loud] mumble, mumble, mumble ....
The rest of the session was spent talking about ways that Wife could find things to do in her life that she actually enjoys.
This is something that has always disturbed me about having the secret life I have. I so often think things that I just can't share. Whether it is something interesting M said during one of our non-sexual exchanges that got me thinking or something I've read on the blogs (particularly in the comments of my own), these are things I just can't share with PH.
ReplyDeleteIt seems inherently unfair to him and so very different from how we used to be, when I would share all my random thoughts, happenings and perspectives. It makes me feel distant from him and there are times I almost feel the distance physically and I'm always aware it's distance of my own making or mostly so.
Intimacy of this kind is important and I've felt the loss profoundly.
I wonder if you feel anything similar or if you feel differently than I do? I'm curious if others in our situation feel this way?
Kyra, I know exactly what you are talking about. I mean, we were talking less and less and less even before I started my affair with D. But now there are even incidental things I can't mention. Wife will tell me she was on the phone with D, who was telling her that work was crazy; I'd love to pitch in, "Oh yes, and did she tell you about her co-worker who asked her to come along when he took his girlfriend to dinner as a chaperone??" (Not kidding.) But how exactly am I supposed to know that story, when for all Wife knows I don't communicate with D all that much? So I say nothing instead, and the silence builds.
ReplyDeleteIn the past I blamed Wife for a lot of our silences. I said, "Look, it doesn't matter how bad it is, if it is on your mind then just tell me about it. I can cope with whatever it is." Or if there were things I wasn't saying, it was because I was mad at something she had done, or because I "knew" that she would respond completely irrationally, or whatever. And this meant that it was (very conveniently, I admit) always "her fault" that we didn't communicate more or better.
Well, maybe. But plainly not any more. Obviously this one is on me. I try out my own lines on myself -- "It can't be that bad, just tell her; she's a big girl, she won't be hurt" -- but I know that they aren't true. Whether or not they were ever true when I was talking about myself, I am pretty sure they wouldn't be true for her. Oh, at an "ideological" level (if you will) she would say of course I had every right blah, blah, blah. But at a personal level I think she would still feel hurt. D has also said that -- for all the vicious things Wife has said about me over the years -- she (D) believes that Wife sees me as the only person who has never actually abandoned her. Since her own self-esteem is so precarious (or absent), it is very easy for Wife to jump to the conclusion that she has been abandoned. So I don't think that it would do her any good in her heart to know that I am involved with D. I once said that keeping an affair secret was cowardice: the damage to your spouse was done back when the affair started, not now when you break the news; all you do by admitting it is to own up to it. And sub specie aeternitatis that might even be true. But now I see that there is room for a certain measure of damage control, and that this can counsel a prudent silence. I don't trust how she would internalize the news, and I don't trust what she would tell the boys.
But the consequence is that the silences between us -- which were already almost like a pea-soup fog -- have gotten even heavier. I don't like it, and I know that in this instance I have caused it. But I am not sure what I can do differently ... and honestly it's not like our communication would have been a lot better than this if D and I had never fallen into bed together. If they had been, ... well, I don't know but I think D and I might never have gotten this far. Not blaming Wife for that because it was my choice. Just saying.
Anyway, it really sucks.
For what it's worth, I am sure that Wife is responsible for much of your lack of conversation. And perhaps now we can understand more clearly why. Despite your openness to her affairs, it must have been similar. Plus her condition must make her feel somewhat distant from the things you used to share in conversation.
ReplyDeleteBeing able to understand, however, doesn't make it more excuseable.
Also, I think you are wise not to tell her about D. The added element of D being her friend would probably be too much.
I have found now I try to find other ways to increase our conversation. I am more open about work and try to talk about the things that have always been a shared interest (though I have found myself less interested in those.) But (and it's a big but), I have a partner who is interested in reconnecting in those ways. I suspect your wife is not as much so.
To the question of your other post: does conversation matter? To me it does. But I think it depends on how important conversation was in the beginning. For me, if I don't have that my marriage wouldn't be sustainable after the kids are out of the house. Your situation is different, in large part due to your wife's illnesses. I wonder how it will be for you later? I know staying together for the kids is one motive. What about for her sake as it seems she will need someone to care for her longer term. Have you thought that far ahead?
Hugs to you. No matter what, these are very difficult concerns.
Goodness, when your secret life overlaps your real one, it is terribly difficult. And you tend to pull back from lots of things cause of all the shit in your head. I get that.
ReplyDeleteI just had to chuckle at this, "I never remember what went on at work because I spend all day thinking about my girlfriend, when I'm not e-mailing her or making plans to see her." Or blogging, of course.
ReplyDeleteI can certainly relate to it all.