You have noticed before now that I am pretty cynical these days about the chances for our counseling sessions leading anywhere ... not because I am not willing to put in any commitment (as some readers have suggested or wondered) but because Wife isn't. After plenty of years in which she has openly scoffed at every exercise, proposal, or suggestion that Counselor makes, I figure the odds are against any change ever happening. Back before she left, D asked me, "So why do you still go? Isn't the whole point of marriage counseling that you be willing to make a change in your life? If Wife is absolutely unwilling to change, doesn't that mean that the whole exercise is a waste of time and money?" And the answer, reluctant as I have been to admit it, is really "Yes."
So enough is enough. We get to Counselor's office, he invites us in, we comment briefly on the weather ... and then I start right at the beginning by saying I have a "procedural question" for Wife. I start by explaining all the stuff above about the whole point of marriage counseling; I add in the part about her systematically refusing to budge whenever Counselor has offered us a way to reframe our situation so that we can make progress. And then I ask Wife point blank:
"Are you willing to change?"
"Well," she hedged, "a lot of the specific things we've discussed in the last week where you have asked me to change are things that I have no idea how to change; they may not even be possible ...."
"That's an evasion. I didn't ask about understanding or possibility. Are you willing to change?" My point is that I am not even asking her to succeed -- for that, questions like whether it is possible become relevant. All I want to know is where her heart is ... where her will is ... what direction is she pointing in ...?
"That really depends. Some things I might be willing to discuss changing, but other things I'm not ...."
I stand up and walk to the door. "Then this is a waste of time and I have work to do. Counselor, send me the bill and I'll process it through our insurance." (He usually only gets around to billing us once or twice a year.)
"Wait, I really don't think you can just leave like that ...."
"Bye." And I leave the office and drive back to work.
One minor complication, just to make it a complete story. I have been exchanging e-mails with D over the situation, and she reminded me of something that has concerned me in the past. From time to time, Wife has talked to Boyfriend 5 about kidnapping the children and fleeing to the Old Country. [I looked for references in earlier posts but couldn't find any. This is probably the closest.] Now I know Wife hasn't been in touch with Boyfriend 5 lately (or I think she hasn't) ... but I still worry about the risk that she'll grab-and-go. Flight is, after all, a big deal in her psyche. D brought up the same issue. So when Wife pulled into the parking lot at Counselor's office with Son 1 in the passenger's seat, I asked him to move into my car. The fact is that I have a job in town, so I'm not going anywhere. But I don't want to make it easy or possible for her to do so.
The narrative is starting to accelerate quickly.
P.S. added August 26. I just realized something. This post, our last counseling session together, is dated July 9, 2009. Our first session in this round of counseling was just exactly a year ago, July 10, 2008. Wow.
you know when you're watching a movie and the protagonist finally says the dramatic "i've had enough" statement and leaves? and the audience cheers because it is so refreshing?
ReplyDeletewell, this was kind of like that.
i really liked how you made your point simple and clear. now you can use the money you will save from not going to useless counseling to go on a nice vacation.
i'm usually a fan of counseling, but when people aren't willing to change it really is pointless.
it's none of my business and i don't know if you already do, but i think you and wife should go on a date. it doesn't look like divorce is on your mind so treat each other to fun and nice while throwing out some compliments. maybe it will help. it might make wife come alive and help repair at least your friendship.
i just remembered something:
ReplyDelete"a compliment can make a whale dance"
-ancient african proverb
While I agree with Jane, I'm also sad for you to have reached this point. Yes, it's become clear she's not willing to take anything from the sessions and work on it. And yes, you have.
ReplyDeleteStill, this seems like more than just an insurance and money-saving turning point.
Tread carefully. She has been a time bomb. Which is not to belittle your possible temper flares, but she is unpredictable and (unlike you) may have bite behind her bark.
On a side note, Apollo is right on the previous post: there may be legal issues there. Not to mention that her distance from reality may be worth pursuing a legal route.
Another side note on earlier post: can't imagine why you would think you'll lose blogger friends. Friends are honest, no? And yet accept and understanding should run deep.
Word verification is trutho. Interesting.
I know in my own counseling, the topic that has come up from time to time is whether I'm "done". The point being that if I'm "done" then it's time to stop working on putting our marriage back together. And in putting it so starkly I've always had to say that I'm not done. I may have been close at times, but not ready to quit.
ReplyDeleteBut in this episode it sounds like you're done. Or was it more a matter of getting her attention?
(Kyra, I love "trutho". Mine is "puncal", obviously implying that I'm a punk from California :)