"I miss having you care about me"

Another brief conversation with Wife last night, although it never really got off the ground.

Boyfriend 3's father [Tartuffe] is dying. He was something of a family friend for a long time, and yesterday afternoon Wife went to visit him. He was unconscious for the whole three hours of her stay, but she saw Boyfriend 3 for about half an hour. She said that he had aged. (But hell, she's aged.) He is also unemployed and on Disability at this point -- for bipolar disorder. She said that they both agreed the sex had been a mistake, because it had cost them their friendship which was more valuable. His wife has said she'll allow him to see her at the funeral "one last time."

Wife also went to see Counselor, and got some suggestions from him about ways forward, strategies for negotiating a split. And they talked about her depression.

She said to me that she had told Counselor she was really, really sad at seeing the marriage over. I asked why. She started to tear up and said that she had thought I would always be there, would always care for her and look after her -- that she missed our friendship, and missed having me care about her. As softly and sedately as I could, I said I was a little surprised to hear her say that, because she had spent so much energy over so many years pushing me away. So I thought (I went on) that she wanted me not to care so much; and while it had taken a long time, I thought I had finally achieved that.

"When did I ever say that I wanted you not to care about me?"

Where do I start? No, Hosea, put back the laundry list. That's not helpful. Aloud: "Well, for example you made it pretty clear many times that you wanted me not to care who you were with ...." (Meaning "whom you fucked," of course.)

"I never knew until a month ago that it was ever an issue for you, who I was with."

Sigh. Where can the conversation possibly go from there? Of course it's not true, not without assuming massive amnesia on Wife's part. We certainly talked and wrangled and fought over the issue often enough. I think what it has to mean for her to say she "never knew" is that it is way too painful for her to contemplate that her affairs could have contributed to where we are now, because that means it's not just a random accident but the direct result of something she did. And I do honestly think she finds that possibility agonizing. So she would rather deny it.

The affairs were never the whole story, of course. But I didn't think the laundry list was going to help at that point. I may be an asshole at times (as in my mean remark above, about thinking she wanted me not to care for her), but I try at least to be a prudent asshole. In any event, the conversation pretty much stopped there. Wife brushed her teeth and went to bed, a sad and quiet girl.

It has been quiet around the house in general lately, except when the kids are raising a ruckus. Very quiet.