Wife in tears, part 1

The assumptions I made Saturday about how smoothly my conversation with Wife had gone proved to be a little overconfident. At the time, I thought I had gotten at least to the point that she could envision a more-or-less weekend custody arrangement.

Then Monday she called me at work to say -- in an obviously tearful voice -- that she "just couldn't live with" an arrangement that meant she saw the kids only on weekends because it would make her just an adjunct to their lives.

I asked, Do you want to work it out right now?

No, we can talk when you get home.

Because if we have to discuss something complicated during the day, I'll ask you to send me e-mail.

When you get home is fine.

OK, we'll talk about it when I get home.

But then, very unwisely, I couldn't resist a parting shot. "Remember though, my point over the weekend was that you don't spend that much time with the boys now. If that was a problem for you -- if you wanted to be more than an adjunct to their lives -- then I would have thought that you would have done something about it before now. The plan that has you see them on the weekends is a plan that gives you as much contact as you have today. So yeah, if you want to we can talk about it when I get home ...."

OK, it was a vindictive and stupid thing to say.

When I passed this story on to D, she let me know this in no uncertain terms:

I feel like frigging Myrtle, about to run into the street and get hit by Daisy [all from The Great Gatsby]. I have had the day from hell, not purgatory, and you have been kind, extremely so all day long. I'm still going to scream, "Stop! Hosea, think!" I'll probably deserve to get run over.

Hosea, it is absolutely imperative that you get as much time with the boys as possible. If I were you, and the stakes were this high, I would avoid gratuitous personal attacks on Wife. So you really expect her to think of herself as an auxiliary parent? Is she going to sit at home and think, "...gee, Hosea is right. I do very little for the boys; if I accept his arrangement, I'll be able to see them for as much as I usually see them, and since that's not very much anyway, I'll be content." I don't think so. I think she will remember the spankings you used to give the children and think of them as abuse; she will recall all the times she bragged about how talented and smart the boys are and how much she contributed to their education. She will realize that there is nothing -- literally nothing else but her role as their mother to give her life meaning, and she will fall apart. You will not gain custody of the boys by reminding her that she is useless and that her role in their life is very small. You must think about what your attorney said about custody matters and you need to depersonalize it. It is rational to argue that your ability to provide transportation and supervision of their homework after school means you should have them during the week. It is rational to argue that her diminished health means you should have primary custody. It is hopelessly subjective and unkind to build your argument for custody by accusing her of not spending time with them anyway, (sub-text: you are a bad mother) so she should just give them to you. After all, she thinks you are also going to keep the house, so you get it all. Sure this is slanted and unfair. It's emotional stuff and you are pretending that you are being impartial. Not so. Re-think.

Re-read the books I gave you. Contact your lawyer. But do not belittle her parenting skills if you want to achieve an amiable divorce. Please walk around this issue again. You wanted to be kind and generous; I argued that it was extremely difficult to compassionate after you have experienced years of humiliation and denigration at her hands. Just think again, with your heart and feelings fully engaged. I know you can approach this from a different direction, and if you can't, ask for help.

God in heaven, I hope you will forgive my saying all this.

In the event, Wife and I have not picked up the conversation at all since that point. I deserved the smack upside the head, no doubt about it. I deserve another one for not going out of my way to bring the subject up again as soon as I got home, specifically to reassure Wife on this point. But it seems like there is always more.