I didn't really pay too much attention to the John Edwards meltdown back when it was happening, but several weeks ago (one evening that I was wasting time poking aimlessly around the Internet) I found the story luridly excerpted here from Heilemann and Helperin's Game Change. After reading the story compulsively, I began wondering what to make of it, and whether there was anything in the story relevant to larger themes of marriage and infidelity. Is the story a case study of some kind, or just weird? I also mentioned it to D.
This was somewhere around the time of our ninth date. After we had parted and D had gotten back home, she wrote me, "I knew I would be stuck on the runway for a while, so I picked up Game Change and read about half the book while waiting to fly out. The part about John Edwards and his affair was truly awful. I wonder if Wife and the boys see me as your vapid and destructive mistress. It greatly bothers me to learn from you that the boys dislike me and see me as someone who throws their mother's treasures away, consumed by mindless cleaning projects. Wife's feelings of betrayal and her hatred of me also cause me anxiety; like Elizabeth with John, I fear Wife will never forgive either of us. I realize Wife shares many of the unattractive traits Elizabeth seemed to inflict upon John and his staff, but her despair was justified. That scene at the airport after learning about his affair, where Elizabeth cries helplessly and tears apart her blouse, exposing her scarred beast area, was too dreadful; I could see Wife doing something similar in front of you. Somehow, knowing the pain I may be inflicting on her and the boys causes me grief, embarrassment and pause; are we doing anything that could conceivably be called moral? Or are we simply being indulgent and selfish? My heart stops at such a portrait; I would not be Rielle Hunter in your life."
Oh dear. OK, well I couldn't let that stand. I hadn't really decided what I thought about the topic, but I started typing a reply and trusted that I would figure out what I wanted to say some time before I hit "Send". Solvitur ambulando!
What I wrote back to D ran, in part, as follows: "Mulling the questions you asked about what the story of John Edwards has to do with us .... Well, I think there is more to our love than sheer indulgence, but I am not sure quite how to prove that it is in any sense moral. Maybe that is the wrong way for me to think about it....
"More concretely, what damage are we doing? I think we are not really tearing apart our homes, either of us. Our homes had already been shredded to greater or lesser degree long before, in other ways. It is true that our love has given me a courage I lacked otherwise, to envision a future for myself outside that home. I cannot rule out that it might have helped encourage you in a similar direction, at any rate at some level. But if this rises to the level of 'damage' it is only to those who suffer collaterally -- our children. That's not trivial, but in another sense it is just the final twist to break off a limb that had cracked almost all the way through long before.
"There is more in the Edwards-Rielle story that makes it particularly horrible. The monstrous egoes of both John and Elizabeth Edwards contributed to the train wreck. While hardly impartial, I think my faults lie in a different direction, not that one. (If you turn out to have any faults -- of course I was teasing her to say it that way -- the same is probably true of them.) I don't know your husband very well, but the stories you have told don't make him sound like Elizabeth Edwards either. There were times that I thought that Elizabeth sounded a lot like Wife, honestly, except that Wife has a lot less energy. And this means that I have to face the potential that my situation could unravel at a bad time in a very bad way. But even this is not news to me; I had to face that possibility long ago.
"Short answer: our love may not be 'provably moral'; but whatever destructive risks we run were already part of the picture before we began to love each other. That being the case, perhaps it is not out of line for us to seek out -- and hold onto -- a love that could help us through the storm."
Now, it is not exactly clear to me that I have drawn much of a contrast between us and the Edwardses. I have said I think my affair with D won't do much harm, because there is not much more harm left to be done. But were the Edwardses really that much better off? They are more famous than we are, and significantly richer, but somehow their unhappy marriage sounds kind of like ours. And if that is true, then I would have to conclude that John's affair with Rielle Hunter was't all that wrong -- at any rate not in comparison with some of the other features of the Edwards marriage. Of course, it is simple common sense not to engage in an affair while also running for the Presidency, but that is a different issue.
In any event, my letter seemed to be about what D needed to hear. Her next post back again was much more temperate: "You are right; whatever our faults -- and mine are many -- a huge ego is probably not one of them. The idea of being unkind to those who work for you is difficult to imagine. They both sound so empty...John, sure that he could strike a deal with the Obama campaign and become vice-president, her mindless shopping on the internet and that huge, bloated home. How is it possible to lose sight of everything that matters? I was reminded too, that Barack's deep and abiding love for Michelle kept him far more thoughtful and generous than he would have been otherwise. May our love create the same concern for others and encourage self-assessment.
"You are also right about our marriages. And, unlike your children, mine are well aware that their parents are mis-matched and have been for years. I hope that Son 1 and Son 2 reach that understanding about you and Wife. Actually, Son 1 already has; Son 2 will take longer, in part because he so wants to rescue his mother and provide her all the love and care she demands. Son 2 will gradually realize that he is unable to do either, and one day, he will understand that both are inappropriate for a child. Only then will he be able to see me clearly and to accept our relationship and love. One of my virtues is patience; I can wait. Meanwhile, I will love you and support you as a father, and I'm honored to be able to do both."
Happy ending? Sure, at any rate for D and me (maybe not for the Edwardses). Profoundly insightful? Maybe not. But interesting anyway, in a lurid sort of manner. Hmmm ....
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