Cleaving

A while ago I wrote about seeing the movie "Julie & Julia." In the comments, L and I talked briefly about Julie Powell's follow-up book (if you can call it that), Cleaving. At the time I hadn't read it yet, but I have to admit my curiosity was provoked by the vitriolic reviews on Amazon. (Honestly, most of the reviewers gave it a 1.) So last Wednesday, I checked it out of the library; and this evening, as I sat around handing out candy to the trick-or-treaters, I finished it.

The ultra-brief summary is this: over several years, Julie Powell had been having an affair with a guy she met in college before she was ever married. But she was not very good at hiding it. Her husband Eric found out, and it caused a lot of turmoil in her marriage. After she published Julie & Julia, she spent six months apprenticing as a butcher while trying to sort out her life. After that six months she was still an emotional mess, so she travelled some. And after a while she got better. Julie Powell shows herself to be obsessive, to have poor impulse control, to be capable of over-the-top emotional tantrums, to be alcoholic. She does not paint a flattering picture of herself. The critics on Amazon panned her writing en route to panning her personality. They said she's a mess and the whole book is Too Much Information and why do we have to read it anyway?

Me, I loved it. OK, I'm not going to get in the ring fighting for my life over whether her prose will echo down through the ages; but shit, she never claimed to be writing Madame Bovary or Othello. She learned to write by blogging, which means that whatever is on her mind goes onto the page; the virtue of blogging is that its very immediacy should make it a more honest medium for us to reveal our faults in. God knows I reveal too many of my faults here. And she certainly reveals plenty of hers. Of course it is possible that all this proves is that I love crazy women: that would certainly explain my taste for "high-maintenance" women like Wife and D, to say nothing of bloggers like Violent Acres. (Naturally none of my invited readers counts as "crazy," though I'm fond of you all anyway.)

What I found uncanny, quite apart from her ability to map her own obsessions so exactly, were the moments that sounded like they had been lifted directly from my marriage to Wife. Right up front, on page 4, she writes:

The nagging voice I've all my life heard in my head, the one people might call addiction or restlessness or waywardness, but which is to me almost an embodiment, something outside of myself, impish, far from benign, but also inspiring and not entirely unconcerned with my self-interest -- Eric believed in it. He feared it sometimes, but he believed in it.

That was us, too. I would never have thought to put it like that, would never have thought to remember that as one of the telling details of our early years together, Wife and me. But she too had the obsessive restlessness that would come on her unawares, as if it were outside herself, pointing her in directions unimagined. And I, too, believed in it. Even when it was scary.

How did Julie Powell manage to write so exactly about my marriage?

I won't say that the rest of it proves to be a carbon copy. No two marriages are ever exactly alike. But there are moments that I recognize. Yes, there are. The one thing I could have wished out of the book is that she had come to more of an understanding of what drove her -- her, and her husband and her lover. She gets to a stable point where things are better and the future looks more hopeful, but she never quite reaches one of those "sweet mystery of life at last I've found you" moments. And it would have been nice if she had. But after all, the main reason I wish she had come to that profound understanding is so that I could appropriate it for my own situation. And if I haven't reached a point of enlightened understanding about my own marriage yet, how can I criticize Julie for failing to do it for me?

Don't read the book if you are squeamish: there are a lot of technical details about the art of butchery that tender minds won't want to know. Don't read the book if you think that the first-person narrator should be a moral exemplar, or even an especially admirable human being. Julie admits in an interview I found somewhere that she is glad her mother has refused to read the book. I don't know what she ever told her mother when she was writing it, but the stories she tells in the book are ones no mother would want to read about her daughter.

But if you are interested in scrutinizing the dynamics of infidelity, to see what makes it tick -- or if you just love crazy women -- it's worth a look.

What wine goes with Hallowe'en candy?

This is just silly, but I'm passing it along in a spirit of whimsy. It's an article I found online to answer that burning question we have all wrestled with, "What wine goes best with candy corn?"

Cheers!

My brother is getting married!

Last night at dinner, Wife and Son 2 told me that my brother had called a couple days ago -- my baby brother in his mid-forties, the rock musician in the family -- with the news that he and his long-term girlfriend are getting married. (Maybe I'll call her A, for now at least.) I was a little bit surprised, but only because they have been together so very long by now that I figured if they were ever going to have any interest in marriage they would have tied the knot long since. Certainly I have no qualms about the match -- A is a lovely and gracious woman, and the two of them are plainly devoted to each other. Wife says she offered to help sew a wedding gown if they wanted her help. Privately I thought this was a hilarious idea, because Wife's taste and A's are so different they might as well have come from different planets. But be that as it may.

All the same, I have found myself feeling a little odd about the whole thing as I have mulled it these last twenty-four hours. I want to be straightforwardly happy for them, really I do. I am fond of them both. And yet ... I guess it is just poor timing, because I feel so down about my own marriage. I guess I have just extended that gloom to the point that I have started feeling ambivalent about marriage as such. That has to be it. And of course I know that's crazy. I still think marriage is fine for most people, ... don't I? I still think marriage works fine for, ... ummm, ... the people for whom it works fine. Right? And I don't want to let my own rainclouds shower on their parade.

I passed the news on to D, and she was disturbed about something altogether different. For her it rekindled her anxieties about "Hosea's family will never accept me." She wrote:

I am delighted that Brother and A are planning on getting married. I know you wish them every happiness.

Bump! I so often feel like this when you discuss your family, which is why I am so reluctant to say anything. First, I don't want to seem like I'm criticizing anyone because I don't understand anything well enough to critique it, and second, what I do read about seems to indicate a much higher degree of family unity than sometimes you acknowledge...or --gosh--I haven't got a clue. That's it... I am totally in the dark. Can you walk me through some of this? I'm trying to imagine anyone in my family telling my husband something as important as "I'm getting married" before telling me. Or really talking to him at all beyond pleasantries. And everyone loves my husband in my family. But they call to talk to me.... I somehow thought your family did not have a close relationship with Wife, but I appear to be wrong. My family also knows the rough outline and status of my relationship with my husband and they are all sympathetic and discreetly supportive. You may have mentioned a planned separation from Wife to your father, but I have yet to hear that you have ever discussed with either parent, even in the most rudimentary way, the true relationship you have had with Wife for years. Brother seems to know nothing.

I'll be honest; if it was anyone but you, I'd say that something isn't right here. What I do know is that I cannot imagine myself ever being introduced as your ....girlfriend? Friend? The Hosea family unit seems to include Wife permanently and I would have no place. I'm trying to imagine my husband offering to do something for my family as intimate as sewing a wedding gown. I'm drawing a blank, and I'm feeling very insecure. I guess that's all right...it doesn't really change anything but it seems strange to me. I can't imagine not wanting my family to know about you; two of my brothers already do and I have left the door wide open for the rest of my family to learn the same.

Wife always maintained that your loyalty and unshakable commitment to family and vows made it impossible for you to be less than a gentleman when it came to talking about anyone in your most intimate circle. I wonder if she is correct. It's admirable, but it leaves no possibility for a more substantial place for me in your life.

I've never wanted to be part of your infidelity bloggers network, but today, I might ask them what they thought. I'm just completely confused.

Gosh, I hadn't looked at it that way at all. I was moping for my own reasons, totally unrelated to that stuff. But I, too, found it a bit strange that I had heard in such a roundabout way. So I sent Brother a quick e-mail congratulating him but also asking whether I had in fact gotten the news right.

I heard back in less than half an hour. Yes, the news was right. He also explained how the news had travelled, and the story makes complete sense. Brother is also about the only person I know to insert footnotes into an e-mail ....

Thank you! It is true! I had sort of intended* to tell everybody last time we were all together, but never quite found the time when everybody was in the same vicinity. Then we ended up telling Mom and Dad later that night. Then Dad mentioned it to Son 1, who I thought I heard told you. (Perhaps not.) So, I decided to call your house a couple days ago just to actually speak about it “personally” rather than by proxy! I don’t remember if I asked Wife to tell you, but anyway I already thought you knew (see above). Anyway, it’s now been quite a few weeks since I proposed (yes, she accepted), I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to getting around to making sure everybody knows. I probably should have called everybody on the same day. Maybe next time!**

Anyway, we haven’t decided on when or where, but we’re pretty sure about who, which is what matters first and foremost. Boyfriend/girlfriend sounded good for a while, but not anymore. I didn’t want to become her 50-year-old boyfriend I guess. Of course, what we do day in and day out is basically the same, and we had said things about “forever” and so on before, but it just feels a bit different and nicer to be clear about it....

Thank you so much for the wishes. We’ll talk soon (Thanksgiving?) and we can reconnect then.

Cheers,
Brother

* “Sort of intended” -- therein lay the problem.
** Joke.

I forwarded this story on to D,but I haven't heard back from her yet. I don't know how she will respond. Me, I'm still feeling funny about how funny I feel ... or something like that. I'm not quite sure, actually.

Wrestling with failure 2, Undying fame

When I finally replied to D’s second letter about her failures as a teacher, I think I answered pretty obliquely. What I mean is that I picked up one theme ... I hope it was as central as I felt at the time ... and ran with it. What resulted was almost less a letter, though, than an essay on its own. She has not answered it directly yet, so I can only hope that she found some relevance in it.

Meanwhile, I think it is safe to say this essay reveals far more of my own faults than I would normally be comfortable with. But hell, this is a blog, right? Isn't that what blogs are for?

I've been thinking about your depression, but I am having trouble articulating something to say. I think I understand what you are talking about, because at some deep level I think I am familiar with the very same feelings: the details of our circumstances are different, but the substance or content of this particular depression is something I think we can each at least partly recognize in the other.

It all revolves -- on one axis, at least -- around this concept of "greatness". You would like to be a great educator. Well, of course you would. I've got that. I understand it completely. When I left graduate school, I spent a lot of time wrestling with the same desire, the same anxiety -- I was afraid that I was giving up my only chance at greatness, at undying fame. It is an intoxicating image. To know you can't have it is very depressing. Now, of course nobody ever promised me that I would actually achieve anything glorious if I stayed in school, still less that it would truly be a good thing to want. But the emotions don't take account of those contrary possibilities, do they? The emotions show us a golden, sunlit vista over there somewhere and then say, "But not for you." It can be terrible.

When this cloud has settled on me since then, I have spent a lot of effort thinking about the difference between the great and the good. Greatness is a goal that has meaning and value inside the world. And the lure is incredibly seductive. But we don't spend forever in the world, do we? Sooner or later, whatever happens in the world dissolves to dust. Either we've become dust with it (in which case who cares?) or we're off to something else. That doesn't prove anything by itself, but it suggests at the very least that there is some standard of measure besides greatness.

Such as what? Well, goodness, of course. In a sense that is a circular answer, because the Good is by definition what we all seek. Anything at all that we want is thereby in some sense "good". But bear with me a minute, because I think we both have some sense of what kinds of things form part of a good life. Do they also form part of a great life? Is it possible to have both?

I think it is tough. In the first place, there are a lot of special dangers reserved for the Great. One big risk is that they start believing their own press releases; this inflates your ego so full that it gets smack between you and whatever you are doing, so that it completely blocks any ability to continue on with whatever Great Work you got the acclaim for in the first place. A second risk is that everybody else starts to see you through a plexiglass window; instead of relating to you as a real person, suddenly all they see is this demigod the Celebrity. That blocks any ability to continue to have normal human relationships. Robert Pirsig writes a lot about this in Lila; but in concrete terms just think how the dynamic in your classroom would change if Barack Obama suddenly walked through the door, or some currently hot movie or music star. Like the song "Fame" puts it, "People will see me and die."

So if you become great, you run the risk that you won't be able to keep working, you won't have any normal human relationships, and you will feed on a steady diet of your own ego. Sound like fun? The other fact is that in order to get there, in order to beat out everybody else who is reaching for the same brass ring, you have to be the Best. And this means sacrificing everything to the hard work it takes to beat out all the others. Of course the fantasy is to do it effortlessly, by innate superiority; but only gods can do that. For the rest of us, it means sacrificing everything in your life to work yourself into a position where life itself becomes a misery ... all so that you can make an immortal name for yourself. When you put it that way, it doesn't sound quite so appealing.

But almost. Even with all that, the prospect of earning an immortal name is powerfully seductive. Even with all that, in a certain mood I might be willing to take the risk. It can be scary.

What does it take to achieve greatness? At least two things: ability and opportunity. In one of his more cynical moments, Bill Clinton supposedly expressed regret that the United States didn't face a major war during his Presidency. He knew his own political talents were huge, but the absence of an external calamity meant that he wouldn't go down in history with Lincoln and Roosevelt. There is also a story about Pericles, that one day he was berated by some man from one of the no-account cities that formed part of the Athenian Empire. Apparently this fellow shouted to Pericles that the only reason he could lord it over others was that he was an Athenian, and his city was more powerful than other cities. Pericles answered him, "If you and I had been switched at birth, so I grew up in your city and you grew up in Athens, neither one of us would ever have amounted to anything."

In other words, no matter how vast your talents, you can never achieve greatness in the wrong setting. You can never become a great educator at your school -- not because you haven't the talent to be a great educator (I am convinced that you do, never mind what you think), but because you are at that particular school.

So what am I saying? That you should apply to teach at a different school? Or -- infinitely worse -- that that ship has already sailed, and you weren't on it, and now it's too late? The seduction of greatness whispers both those messages to us -- urgently, longingly, achingly, despairingly -- but those messages are not mine. The fact is that there is a reason you are teaching at your school: namely, that "whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." I have always taken it for granted that the reason you have taught in so many out-of-the-way places, and the reason you took on such painful work as to be a guardian ad litem, were that all these jobs reflected a kind of discipleship. As a Christian, you have simply been called to do these things. All Christians are (or at least so I understand it). And what this means is that there is a fundamental conflict between the goal of greatness and the goal of following Christ. To choose either one is, in principle at least, to give up the other. Is that not why we hear about winning crowns in Heaven ... because following the Way means giving up any chance for winning them here on earth?

But it is really, really tough. It's every bit as hard as celibacy or temperance. And some days the burden of being locked into a meaningless job in some isolated backwater, far away from the bustle and engaging activity that you feel in your heart must be your proper setting, ... some days that burden is just too heavy to pick up. On those days you find yourself slumped on your couch, staring at the far wall, unable to motivate yourself to stand up or walk across the room or do much of anything else ... except to pour yourself another drink and to sorrow. Those are the days that you want everything to change, and you can't begin to imagine how to change it yourself, so you are left hoping that somehow it will all change itself by magic. And then it doesn't, and you end up even more depressed.

Yeah, I know what those days look like.

I'm really sorry that this is where you've been recently. I don't know if you are still there, or if the gloom is starting to lift. And I don't have any really good advice for getting through it. As I say, I have spent many of those days reminding myself that the risks on the path of greatness are very great, and that if I had chosen that path the odds are overwhelming that I would envy where I am today instead. I remind myself that when Odysseus went to choose his next lifetime, at least as Plato tells the story in Republic X, he chose the life of a private man living a quiet life far away from all the noise and turmoil of public greatness. (At this point another corner of my mind comments sourly, "Well that's just fine once you've already had the chance to live as Odysseus!") And I remind myself that in the long run it's all equally ephemeral, so the permanence of a glorious name can never be as important as the quality of a life well-lived. Yet if quality here-and-now is the true measure of a life, then the longing for greatness is a red herring. Naturally there are plenty of decisions I have made over the years that have diminished the quality of my life in one respect or another. But if I want to revisit my decisions I should look at the ones that have made for a bad life, not the ones that have made me mediocre and obscure. All that latter stuff is just a distraction from what really matters.

I don't know if this is any help. Somehow I'm afraid it isn't.

Wrestling with failure 1, “Forget you even know me”

D has been really down the last few days. Her job has been getting to her. I know, I know, ... you’re tired of hearing about her crappy job teaching too many classes a day to unmotivated students and reporting to a criminally mendacious administration. You hear it a lot. But it takes a lot out of her morale. And some days she looks back on what she wanted to be, and the contrast is just too much. So we’ve been writing back and forth about this.

She started the conversation about a week ago. Wife and Son 2 and I drove out to Hogwarts because it was “Parents’ Day,” when we got to meet all of Son 1’s teachers and learn about the program for his freshman year of high school. Then after that all the school closed for a few days so that all the students could go home for a while after having been away nearly two months. I had told D that this might interfere with my writing for a couple of days, so she knew all about it in advance. And at some point during the weekend she wrote me as follows:

“I am glad Son 1 is fitting in so well and the two days have been rewarding. I actually tried to learn about your schedule at Hogwarts, just to help me know what you were seeing and doing, but that was a mistake. Looking at the pictures and reading the site just made me acutely aware of the differences between the education a person receives at Hogwarts and the lessons taught in my school. I found myself embarrassed (why did I ever take you into my classroom?) humiliated, and yes, angry. I don’t know how to close that gap, but I realize that Son 1 will not, in a million years, really understand the experiences of my students, and I can’t begin to imagine what life must feel like at Hogwarts. The class issues, the race issues, the history and experiences of his parents...all these differences add up to another world. The implications for civil society are huge. I don’t know what to do or to say on a personal level. I feel a welter of emotions; none of them happy....

I need to concentrate on grading anyway. I’m way behind and I’m becoming panicked and worried; I feel like I’m doing a terrible job and I need to go better. Not that my students will ever compete with your children or mine, but that injustice causes me to be blinded with tears of anger and frustration. My real struggle is to carry that weight without sinking like a stone and without a certain edgy anger. I’m not there yet.

So I’ll leave you, driving home on a beautiful fall day with both boys in the car and the prospect of a delightful holiday ahead for the entire family. I wish you much happiness, fewer interruptions from work and, please, forget you even know me for the duration of Son 1’s break.”

Cheerful stuff, huh?

I wrote her back, in part, as follows:

“Of course you know that forgetting you exist is out of the question -- not for the duration of Son 1's vacation, not for the weekend, not even for a moment. But your letter troubles me.

I could have understood it had you spoken of a sense of despondency or defeatedness from comparing the gritty reality of your school with the photos of Hogwarts, but that's not what you said. Instead you spoke of embarrassment and humiliation -- of asking yourself why you ever let me see your classroom -- and I have to admit it sounds a little odd to me that you identified those feelings instead. Can I say why it sounds odd to me? I think there are three reasons, very different from each other.

The first reason is, in this case, far the most superficial, but it is also absolutely true. It's just that I love you -- so much that embarrassment seems unimaginable to me. What I mean by that is, ... well, let's look at your class room. How could I possibly fail to adore it? It's your classroom! That by itself means that of course I'll adore it....

The second reason is the most practical: it is the line of thought which concedes there are disappointing things about your school, but which remarks immediately that none of them is your fault. You aren't responsible for the disadvantages which so burden your students; nor for the deep dishonesty of the administration; nor yet for the poor choices of the novice teachers....

Then there is a third line of thought, radically different from the first two, which nuances that second reason by saying that no, you are not responsible for all those obstacles in your environment; but you chose them anyway. I may be able to explain this point best by using an extended example.

I think in a way that for you to tell me you are embarrassed by your school, and by letting me see your classroom, is a lot like my saying that I am ashamed to let you see our house because it is always such a wreck. Of course it is a wreck, notwithstanding the valiant way you fought to better it while you were here [see the story of our second date, here and following]; and of course at some level, yes, I am ashamed to let you see the place. But the three levels apply here too. (1) I know you will continue to love me anyway. (2) I know you know that the clutter and the deep uncleanliness isn't my doing, and that I'd be more diligent about cleaning it up if I didn't feel like the only one to give a damn. So far, so good.

But it is also true, at the deepest level, that I signed up for this willingly. Twenty-six years ago, I stood up before witnesses and said "I do"; and while it is certain that I did not know in detail what the consequences would be of handing over my decisions and willpower to this madwoman, there was some level on which I knew that they wouldn't be good. But I did it anyway. To this day I'm not sure that I have figured out a complete inventory of reasons why I did it.... But that's as may be. It's a choice I made, and the consequences -- including the fact that I live in perpetual clutter -- all flow from it. To be ashamed of the outcome now is, as Nietzsche put it, "to leave my decision in the lurch"; to forget that, at some deep level, there was something important I wanted to get out of this choice that I made.

It's the same with your teaching at your school, except in your case I think the reason behind the choice is easier to find (and more honorable). It's not like you couldn't have chosen some other outcome in your life. If you had really wanted to teach at some other kind of school -- Exeter, Andover, Hogwarts -- you could be there now. God knows you're capable enough!... But instead you chose the place where you are today. Now of course there were practical reasons constraining your choice. There always are. But if teaching at Andover or Hogwarts had been important enough, you would have found a way around them....

That doesn't mean there aren't days -- how I know those days! -- when your choice makes you gnash your teeth with rage and anguish and regret: days when the students are being ridiculous, when the administration is being more than normally dishonest and corrupt and criminal, when every muscle aches from exhaustion and your soul hurts worse than your body. Yup. Been there, done that. But days like that pass. One day, you will no longer hurt and your soul will be at peace. And the question then will be whether the goal you wanted to achieve was worth the cost.

What is the goal? Why do you choose schools and settings like this? I've always assumed that at some level you do it out of discipleship, as a follower of Jesus of Nazareth. But if that's true, if my guess is right, then you will always teach in the kind of school where the students have things tough: whether they are "at-risk" or "underserved" or whatever the technical term is at this or that particular school. If my guess is right, then the odds are you will never teach at a school like Exeter or Andover or Hogwarts -- not because you couldn't (you could!!) but because at some deep level of your identity you choose not to. But in that case the comparison between your school and a place like Hogwarts is a foregone conclusion; and so far from being embarrassed by it, you might just figure it is an inevtiable by-product of the way you carry out the challenge of discipleship.

Well then, if this is the station you have taken up to serve God, why aren't your results better?... Let me recall the comparison I drew between your career and my marriage. I think we both took on challenges that were beyond us. You hoped to raise the valley to the plain, or even partway up the mountain -- not for one or two students in your lifetime, but for an entire class at once -- preferably year after year. I hoped (more modestly) to save one lousy human life -- one soul, no more -- from the countless demons that beset her. Up till now, we have both failed. But remember what I said before, that Sister Failure is not our enemy. Maybe in the end it will turn out to be OK that we failed. Maybe all it means is that neither of us is God. In any event, let's neither of us be embarrassed or ashamed -- in front of each other -- for those failures. Let us trust in each other's love, and in the prospect of unbounded forgiveness.”

D answered that she was grateful for my saying kind things to her, but I obviously didn’t succeed in improving her mood much.

“Your comments about my choices and your choices seem about right. I know I am struggling more than I let on; I am drinking far more than I ever have before.... Part of the problem with alcohol abuse is the secrecy you develop around drinking--how much, how often, all the excuses.

I am deeply lonely. My daughter wrote yesterday and accused me of being incredibly passive about my life and I responded with a shrug and silence. I know I'm passive, for all the reasons you laid out a couple weeks ago. Perhaps I don't have the faith in Providence I need to make a major change. I know that I have a hard time just getting up and doing enough to get by. Right now, I don't feel like a decent teacher, let alone as good as you think I am. I am also impatient with my less experienced colleagues because they make my job far more difficult.... My frustrations, my deep loneliness, my sense that nothing has meaning or worth leave me in a very dark place with no reason to care....

You are right to wonder why we have chosen such impossible tasks because indeed, we both know there can be no victory. The odds were and are stacked against any easy success and perhaps it was never realistic to begin with; the Kingdom is not of this world. That doesn't discount what we do, but it's more a case of providing witness to God's coming presence than changing the world in some dramatic fashion. I know you love me and I know that on some level, you really do affirm what I am doing. I know you don't judge my classroom...except I also know that you would never dream of sending your boys to my class. You know there is a better system of education.... I'm embarrassed because I know this...I realize that you enjoyed visiting my class just because I teach there, not because there is anything truly notable about what I do there, the same way you had a great time at Son 2's school play without thinking it was remarkable theater. Unfortunately, I'd like to be a great educator. I know I fail. On some deep level, that bothers me. I know that in the end, all will be well, but I also realize that now, so much is broken and grieving. Most of the time I can live within this tension, but recently, I'm failing...sliding off the roof, you might say, unable to play my violin with either conviction or beauty.”

It was hard to know what to say to this, and so it took me several days to reply.

Would divorce even help?

I've been thinking about my conversations with Lawyer, and the question is starting to grow on me, "Would divorce even help?"

Of course I think what is going on with Wife is horrifying. If I made the decision on pure squeamishness, there would be no question. But here's what I think I see:

• Divorce can't stop Wife or Friend or anybody else from e-mailing the boys. (In fact, Wife's relationship with Friend may be falling apart of its own weight, but that will be as it will be whether or not we divorce.)
• Divorce can't stop Wife from consistently denigrating me to the boys. (D tells me that a statement to that effect can be put in the decree, but I have to assume it is totally unenforceable.)
• But divorce would mean that I have less time with the boys overall than I do now, because I would have them only 50% of the time they spend at home. Among other things, this means less time to counteract, by example if not in words, whatever Wife is saying about me.

Where is the benefit in that? I can see a couple:

• Divorce means we don't have to pretend to be civil, so it may be easier for the boys to dismiss anything Wife says as just bitterness.
• Divorce allows me to be more open about seeing D.

Are there other obvious points that belong on this second list? I'd love to hear them, so I can flesh it out. Comments and catcalls are welcome, as always ....

Not this shit again! part 6

Wednesday I spent an hour on the phone with Lawyer, bringing her up to date and getting some information from her.

• You recall that I had sent her Friend's e-mail and she was appalled at it. So on the phone, I asked her, with all the divorces she has handled over the twenty years she has been in practice, how a letter like this fit into her experience? In what kinds of situations had she seen this kind of thing before? She said she had never seen anything like it before.
• Then I explained that Friend is now not returning phone calls and has dropped out of sight at the prospect of Wife visiting. I added that this may mean the drama is suddenly and completely over ... and from one perspective (even if only one) that makes any motion for divorce now look kind of beside the point.
• On the third hand, the fact that it could happen at all indicates a chronic level of denigration and bad judgement that is simply toxic.
• On the fourth hand, a divorce won't stop e-mails. If Friend or Boyfriend 5 or the Man in the Moon wants to e-mail Son 1 and Son 2 they can do so after a divorce as well as now.
• And I explained that both boys denied ever getting such an e-mail.
• As you can tell, this line of talk started to get pretty tangled.

But Lawyer gave me some information I hadn't heard before. She said that in her experience, children are more likely to speak up about what they are feeling or what is going on after the paperwork is filed and the wheels are in motion. Before then they don't want to rock the boat. Before then they can worry that if they say something then maybe they caused the divorce. But after it's already happening, then they are freer to talk. I hadn't heard that before.

She described again some of the process of the paperwork.

She had a couple of comments about custody.

• First, the boys are old enough to express an opinion about where they want to live. (I worried that Son 2, e.g., might say he wanted to live with Wife in order to parent her. She told me that the court can appoint someone to talk to the boys privately, and that it's amazing how freely kids will talk about what they really need once their parents are out of the room.)
• Second, if the boys are in private school then "custody" means "custody when the child is not at school." The percentages used to feed into the calculation of spousal support are percentages of non-school time only.
• Third, I told her I'd heard somebody say that unless one of the parents is a convicted axe-murderer, courts nearly always award custody 50/50. Her immediate response was "Yes." Then she qualified it with, "Maybe you don't have to be an axe murderer ... I've seen a couple of other cases." But basically yes.

I did not end the call by giving her any clear instructions. I said I wanted to digest this information. A couple of times I mentioned having discussed the topic with "my friend D." So she asked, "What does your friend D think you should do?"

I answered, "My friend D thinks the situation has been toxic for years and wonders what the heck is taking me so long."

She said, "Well I'm not here to tell you what to do. You tell me what you want. But I kind of agree with her ...."

Not this shit again! part 5

Just a brief update.

I asked Son 2 a week ago (or so) if he had ever gotten an e-mail from Friend. He stared at the floor and mumbled, "No." But then immediately after he added, "Remember Dad, I hardly ever check my e-mail."

A couple days ago I had a chance to ask Son 1. He also said "No," much more directly. But then I would expect Son 1 to say anything directly.

On the other hand, the e-mail I printed out shows their addresses quite clearly, so I don't think they could have failed to get it unless there was a totally providential network failure. Which I doubt.

I have to assume that the real answer for both boys is "Yes, but I don't want to talk about it."

"Friend" has gone missing

I don't know if I've mentioned that Wife is planning a flight to visit her sister later this month. Her sister has been sick a long time, and Wife has dragged her feet for months but finally decided to fly out to visit. And on the way back, she's going to fly to the city where Friend lives, to see him. She booked the tickets, giving herself three nights with her sister and five nights with Friend. She is not booking any hotel, because in each case she plans to stay at the home of her sister and Friend, respectively. Then she e-mailed Friend to let him know her itinerary, and to ask him to pick her up at the airport.

That was eight days ago. She has heard nothing from him since. Nothing!

So she told me that if he was going to be such a jerk, she wouldn't visit him after all. I pointed out to her that maybe the silence is because he never really existed at all, and when confronted with the prospect of her actually arriving in town the person pretending to be Friend suddenly didn't know what to do. I suggested she fly out there anyway for maybe one night, rent a car and a room at a Motel 6, and then drive out to the street address that she has for this character to scout it out. Is it anything at all like the description she has been given? Does it have a name on the door, and (if so) whose? If she knocks on the door, who answers and what name do they give? And so on. She said she'd think about it.

Meanwhile yesterday Wife finally started showing a little initiative in this area. Years after I raised doubts about the existence of any of these people, she finally called the company that Friend claims to work for, and asked to speak with Human Resources. They have never heard of him. She dialed a number she had been given for Friend's lover's twin brother, and got a man who said he had never heard of Friend and didn't have a brother. But then he did confirm the existence of some of the other names in this dreary soap opera, so I'm not sure what that means.

Wife isn't sure she wants to fly out there with nobody to meet her, but I am urging her to do so. Partly I admit that I'm being mean and spiteful in wanting to rub her nose in just how much a fantasy this has been all this time. But partly also, I don't want Friend to contact her two weeks later saying, "Oh the most horrible thing happened ... there was a flood and an avalanche and I lost my phone service and Internet connection ... and so did all my friends ... and by the way I've been in a coma for weeks, ... oh, and my dog ate my homework. But everything's going to be just like normal now, isn't it? Please?"

I don't know what she'll do, but the story is taking an interesting turn.

Sex and self-esteem, part 2

This will be quick, but I had an idea in the shower this morning ... one of those really obvious ideas that makes you wonder why you never thought of it before. Way back towards the beginning of this blog, two and a half years ago, I wrote this piece speculating on why it was that all of Wife's lovers over the years have been losers. (Notice also that I very cleverly avoided discussing what that says about me.) Anyway, I came up with a complex psychological explanation that you can go read if you feel like it. But I missed what should have been the most obvious alternative hypothesis.

Maybe those are the only people who ever offered. Maybe the whole phenomenon says more about what Wife has to offer somebody else than about her own neuroses.

I have to wonder why I never thought of that, back then?

I also have to wonder -- but this will be for another time -- what this says about me? If "all" of Wife's romantic choices appear to be losers, then I must be on that list too. Fair enough, I can accept that. Only, ... what do I mean by "loser" then, and how does this fit together? Food for thought ....

Fish had the first sex

And here's another one, for your reading pleasure.

"Fish had sex first, fossils suggest: This was 'not just spawning in water, but sex that was fun' "

I'm not quite sure how we are supposed to know just how much fun the fish were actually having, but hey -- what do I know? I guess this does vindicate W. C. Fields' dictum, however, about why he never drank water ....

12 kinds of sex every woman has to have ....

I swear I don't go looking for this stuff. It just shows up when I go online to collect my e-mail. Anyway, here is the latest article of important sex advice:

"Twelve kinds of sex every woman has to have before she settles down"

(Nowhere in the article is there any explanation of this concept of "settling down" or why they figure their readers are likely to.)

Just to see if I could get a chuckle out of her, I sent this to D. (She has been pretty overworked and overstressed lately.) I've gotten an e-mail back since then, and spoken to her on the phone. But she hasn't mentioned it yet. She's probably worried that I'll ask her how far down the list she's gotten so far. Of course I'd never ask, because I'm sure if I did she'd cut the number in half before saying anything ....

"Is there a message here?" (Ryan & Jetha's failed last chapter)

So I was talking to D the other day, and she mentioned that she had finished Ryan and Jetha's Sex at Dawn. Then right away she added, "It left me feeling a little bit insecure, actually. I kept wondering, 'Are you trying to send me a message here?' "

A message? Huh? Oh, right. That.

I think the weakest part of the book is the last chapter, not because it says anything that appears demonstrably untrue but becomes it comes across as a half-truth and a piece of special pleading. The last chapter is all about men's need for sexual variety in order to sustain sexual interest. They give a biological explanation, and reference some remote society where wives encourage their husbands to take mistresses and see the mistresses as enhancing the stability of the family. The argument is probably as sound as any of the other arguments in the book, and I doubt most people would argue. So men want to get a little on the side? What else is new?

But I understand D's momentary insecurity. No doubt she was wondering, "Did Hosea give me this book as a subtle way of telling me he want to fuck other women too? He knows I'd get upset ... is he trying to let the book argue the point for him?"

Of course, that's not why I wanted her to read the book. I just thought she'd find it fascinating, because she is so interested in sex. But I think the responsibility for the misunderstanding rests squarely with that last chapter itself. Because the chapter totally ignores the question, "What is so special about men in this respect? Wouldn't women like a little extracurricular action too?"

And of course the whole rest of the book answers that second question with a resounding "yes I said yes I will Yes!" Of course women too thrive on sexual variety! Haven't the authors given abundant arguments and examples to explain exactly this point, in all the rest of the book? Haven't they gone well out of their way to argue that female sexuality evolved in a context where each sexual encounter might involve half a dozen men? If this doesn't imply that women -- just as much as men -- should be expected to crave variety in bed, then I must be missing something.

Somehow I think if the last chapter had been more even-handed, urging both husbands and wives to understand and respect the unmet sexual cravings of each other, then D would have felt less insecure. Or alternatively -- taking the book completely seriously -- she could have said, "You can have a second mistress if you like, so long as I can have another man in bed with me at the very same time you are there, so that the two of you can trade off." I don't expect her to say that, however ....

Not this shit again! part 4

Not long after I wrote to my lawyer (I was in a meeting so I'm not quite sure when it was), she wrote back to me as follows:

I read your email and the letter which Friend addressed to Son 1 and Son 2. I am appalled!! Son 1 and Son 2 should not be involved in this situation in any way. I know that you agree because you have held off proceeding with the divorce for the sake of maintaining the status quo for Son 1 and Son 2. After reading your email setting forth Wife's history (which we discussed in depth when you retained me) and realizing that Friend sent a letter to Son 1 and Son 2, I wonder how are you maintaining the status quo. Or if this is the status quo, is this healthy for your sons?

It is good that Son 1 is attending boarding school and that Son 2 will be doing so in the future because at this time this provides some emotional protection for them.

I understand that your biggest concern in proceeding with the divorce is the custody of Son 1 and Son 2. You stated in your email that you thought it would be simpler and easier on the boys "if we could keep a stable status quo." Based upon what I read in your email and the fact that Friend felt he could send a letter to Son 1 and Son 2, once again, I ask are you maintaining a stable status quo for your sons?

With respect to advising you how to proceed, it is difficult to express more to you in writing. I believe that we need to have a telephone conference or meet again if you can arrange to do so.

Please let me know when you would like to talk.... I look forward to speaking with you.

We set up a time to talk. I'll keep you posted from here ....

Hosea's biopsy, 2

Another post that's kind of out of the mainstream of topics here, but just as a follow-up. You may remember about seven months ago, I had a biopsy of a lump in my neck that I discussed in this post here. Well, the doctor asked me to come back and see him in a while, and on Tuesday I did.

He poked and prodded a little more, asked me some of the same questions he asked last time, and then declared himself satisfied. He told me that he believes it is a lipoma, and completely benign; also that they can be removed, but there is usually no medical reason to do so as long as it's not bothering me ... which it isn't. His last words were that if something changes, I should call him. But his office won't call me in for any more check-ups unless I tell them that something has changed.

Minor news, but nice to know.

Not this shit again! part 3

So I wrote to my lawyer a couple days ago, reminding her that I'm out here (although I had dropped any action a year ago) and asking if I still had some hours to spend. She replied that yes I did, and how did I want to proceed? Today I wrote her as follows:

You asked me how I wish to proceed, and I am not 100% sure. You have seen a lot more divorces than I have, and I would like your advice. I understand that giving advice isn't free and takes time, just the same as any of the normal legal work that would move me forward. I understand and accept that this is probably not a routine six-minute e-mail. [My lawyer normally bills each e-mail at 0.1 of an hour.] But advice is what I need right now. I will try to be as clear and succinct as possible.

BACKGROUND, PART 1:
- Last year I held off filing the papers because I was concerned about how destructive the divorce process might be for our two children, Son 1 and Son 2. I do not expect to reach an amicable resolution with my wife. (I would be glad to be wrong.)
- Since that time, Son 1 has entered 9th grade in a boarding high school.
- Son 2 is in 7th grade, but is likely to attend a boarding high school too, when the time comes.
- That made me think maybe it would be simpler and easier on the boys if we could keep a stable status quo until Son 2 enters high school, and then dissolve the marriage when neither of them lives full-time at home.

But now I think I might be wrong.

BACKGROUND, PART 2:
- My wife Wife has a history of infidelity, mental illness, and chronic denigration of others -- especially me. The things she says are often outright lies; less often they are just distortions of reality.
- Three years ago (late 2007) she started an on-line flirtation that has grown to consume most of her life by now. [It finally reached the point of being blog-worthy here.] To date, she has never met this fellow in the flesh. One of the names he uses is "Friend" and that's the one I'll use here. (This is a real simplification, but I'll save the details for some other time.)
- A couple evenings ago, she left one of her e-mail accounts logged in when she went to bed. I snooped, and found a letter from Friend addressed to Son 1 and Son 2 -- copied to Wife -- dated back in June.
- I have shown this letter to a couple friends. [That would be D, plus my gentle readers here. At the time I wrote this, I had gotten feedback from Janeway and L.] They agree with me that it is appalling.
- But they also tell me this letter is a sign that I have been a complete idiot to trust in a stable status quo for another two years into the future. They all agree with each other that if this letter is any sign of what the boys are hearing behind my back, then no matter how destructive the divorce turns out to be it can't be any worse than the status quo.
- In short, they are all telling me to get it in gear and move forward at once.

I don't know if they are right. I would like you to read the e-mail and tell me how you see it, compared to the other divorces you have seen.

That's my question.

If my friends are right, then I guess I need to stop dawdling. At that point, I will have to figure out with you the next step: is it to pick up where we were?

Also for the future: you need not answer this now, but please keep it in mind for later. I strongly believe that Wife's history of psychological instability and her poor grasp of the truth -- plus other factors -- would make her a very poor custodial parent, and that her percentage of the children's time should be shrunk as small as practically possible. My friends agree with this, but they also point out that it can be really, really hard to convince a court of that. And they point out that Wife has been telling all her acquaintances evil things about me for a long time. This means I will need advice how best to collect objective evidence of the kind that is persuasive to a court, in support of a settlement that gives her very limited custody time.

As I say, I assume that last paragraph is a topic for a later day.

What follows below is Friend's letter to the boys, from June. Thank you for your help.

I then inserted the letter from Friend that I reprinted for you here. I'll post later how she replied ....

Drinking too much

I'm noticing a pattern.

I come home from work, and get a glass of wine or sherry before dinner, pretty close to as soon as I walk in the door. More wine with dinner. Then usually nothing more to drink for a couple of hours, because I try to write D every evening and I don't want my head fuzzy. Then a nightcap or two. Every night.

I don't drink nearly this much when I am travelling, ... or when I am spending time with D. But something about coming home to Wife just brings it out. It can't be a good sign.

It also means that I am eating more. I have probably put on ten pounds since July. Of course, I've had more to write about lately too. Connection? Or is it just that both stem from the same common discontent?

Sex survey, the largest in years

So I see where an outfit called the "Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University’s School of Health, Physical Education and Recreation" has conducted a new survey about sex. Or more formally, they have released their "National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (NSSHB)," collating the information from 5865 informants, ages 14-94.

Here's an article about the survey results.

Here's the survey's home page.

And here is a table summarizing the results on sexual behavior.

Happy reading ....

"The Lady With the Dog"

D has been teaching her English class Anton Chekhov's short story "The Lady With the Dog." I had never heard of it before she mentioned it to me, but it is rather remarkable. The story is about an affair. The man, Dmitri, is married to a wife who considers herself "intellectual"; but "he secretly considered her unintelligent, narrow, inelegant, was afraid of her, and did not like to be at home." The woman, Anna Sergeyevna, has a deep passion that she considers it immoral and improper to indulge, and her husband has some ailment in his eyes. (That last point applies to D's husband as well.)

There are points of difference, to be sure, between their affair and ours (mine with D): most significantly, Dmitri is the one with the extensive experience -- he is described as a man who has been often unfaithful to his wife -- and Anna is quite young and inexperienced (albeit not a virgin as she is married). And yet it is clear in the story that the two really fall in love. Dmitri is surprised by this because, after so many other women, he never expected to fall so deeply and truly in love. And yet here the thing has happened.

The story ends inconclusively. They have met clandestinely, but are trying to plan when they can see each other again, talking "of how to avoid the necessity for secrecy, for deception, for living in different towns and not seeing each other for long at a time.... And it seemed as though in a little while the solution would be found, and then a new and splendid life would begin; and it was clear to both of them that they still had a long, long road before them, and that the most complicated and difficult part of it was only just beginning."

Now what the hell kind of a way is that to end a story? But it is true to life, isn't it?

D gave her students in-class writing exercises on this story, trying to get them to appreciate how Chekhov paints his characters so successfully. One of her students, on finishing the assignment, looked up and suddenly blurted out, "Mrs. D, would you ever have an affair?"

D tells me that the answer she shot back was, "My private life is ... private!" I pointed out to her that this was in fact a clear answer to the question. She didn't deny it.

"Julie & Julia"

Saturday evening we watched the movie "Julie & Julia". I remember when it first came out, the reviews were all full of praise for Meryl Streep, who is naturally a superlative actress. Several reviews that I read more or less said that half of it -- the half with Meryl Streep playing Julia Child -- is a great movie. As for the half with Amy Adams playing Julie Powell, ... mneh.

Am I the only person to see the movie who was more moved by the modern half? Or is it a blogger-thing? Obviously I don't expect the answering machine to be overflowing with book offers -- certainly not when I'm invite-only! But there was something about the scenes of her typing away and clicking "Publish" that tugged at my heartstrings. I seem to be getting softer and weepier at movies these days, no doubt because of incipient old age. I couldn't very well tell Wife or Son 2 why those scenes got to me. But the moments when she is sure that nobody is reading and then suddenly she gets a comment out of nowhere that brightens her whole day ... yeah, I think we've all had that happen once or twice. And yeah, it makes a difference. What the hell, so I'm getting weepy in my dotage ....

I did enjoy the movie.

Other than that ...

It's ironic that I have all this awful news about Friend's e-mail right now, because so much of my other news is just fine.

D just loved the latest poem I sent her. She wrote, "Your poem is so wonderful; it will move to school and get memorized, and end up in my mind and heart forever."

Son 2 went to his first school dance last night and had a marvelous time.

And a couple mornings ago I had the most lovely erotic dream. As I described it to D, "I had a very pleasant erotic dream last night. No climactic finish, and after a while it meandered into other dreams the way dreams do. (No logic by waking standards.) But it was fine. I realized when I awoke that what I missed most (in reality, compared to the dream) was just having somebody close-by to hold. That alone is immeasurably important."

It is, you know. And I'll never have it again with Wife. That part is sad. But the rest of the news is good, all good. Well, almost ....

Not this shit again! part 2

In my last post, I talked about Friend’s e-mail to Son 1 and Son 2; and I mentioned that I had sent it also to D. Here is her reply:

Hosea, I think Wife wanted you to find the information you found and it is past time to address the situation. If that means she learns that you have read some of her posts, then so be it. I would not make that blindingly obvious, but I would not deny it either (remember that she already knows you have read some of her posts because you gave me the account address that allowed for sexual blogging [For some time -- maybe a year or so -- Wife and Friend and a bunch of other people were all contributing to something called "My Journal" under the name of "The House of Normandy."] and she traced my address to discover she and her friends were being monitored). I’d keep the conversation about Friend’s letter to the boys. The letter is very rank; there is an evil there that makes my skin crawl.

I think there are a couple issues here and one is the ongoing matter of honesty. The only reason to mention and then to show that you went to the two training sessions is to prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that you did not abandon your family for ten days in order to be with me. [Wife had suggested in a recent e-mail to Friend that I spent this whole week-and-a-half with D. It's true I was there a day-and-a-half, not that I care to discuss it with Wife; but I only wish it had been longer.] That seems important. It also seems important for her to visit this person, whoever she/he is, and establish some reality or lack of reality.

Second, whatever the differences between you and Wife, to have them discussed with the children is beyond inappropriate; it is manipulative and destructive. There is also a level of knowledge the letter presupposes that makes it clear that I have been right about Wife’s willingness to share her affairs with her children and that one of her ongoing projects is to fill their minds with all kinds of hateful stuff about you. Yes, I think both boys will end up rejecting this viewpoint and finally rejecting her, but they are still kids and the resources you bring to distance yourself from her madness and venom are unavailable to them. The letters need to stop now. God knows what “Friend” will send Son 1 at school, where it becomes impossible for you to monitor his email. I think you have some difficult decisions to make; does it really make sense to stay with her ‘for the children’ when “The House of Normandy “is both trying to recruit Wife and paint you are a violent, insensitive lout? I have long questioned your decision, but if you decide it still seems correct, you need to find a way for the boys to be free from this madness.

I’d do two things; first, your lawyer needs a copy of the letter and any other materials you have to establish yourself as better qualified to be the custodial parent. Second, you need to tell both boys you know about the attempts Friend has made to contact them, and to briefly say that they should keep out of this matter between you and Wife. You can usually set up some kind of block that will screen for any messages from his accounts. I’m guessing that it will stop; after all, we know that emails are not considered private and confidential (that also includes ours) and can be used in court. (Given the nature of our relationship, the love we share is pretty mundane and poses much less of a danger to the boys than “The House of Normandy”. I can’t imagine Wife not understanding that matter.)

You will need to have a focused discussion with Wife, which means you probably need to arrange for Son 2 to be somewhere else. Do not let Wife switch the topic of conversation; stay with the emails to the kids. And set down some “if…then” guidelines. Wife wants to stay with you, and “Friend” wants her to remain married too. Unless she wants an immediate divorce, she will make sure that Friend never contacts the boys again while you are married to her and Son 1 and Son 2 are under eighteen. It’s not negotiable nor will the demand change. That she loves “Friend” or Boyfriend 2 [Yes, it turns out she has also been in touch with Byfriend 2 again recently. (sigh) Surely they deserve each other.] or even “Boyfriend 5” and what she does about those loves is none of your business any more. Yet as long as you share custody of the children, she needs to obey some basic outlines of decency and respect.

You may have to spell these out to her; she can only understand black and white rules. I believe it was Aristotle who declared that some individuals were born to be in servitude because they were too indolent to live as free men; they were unable to think for themselves and work for the good of the polis outside of serving a ‘master’. *Sigh. That seems cruel and the assertion rejects the Enlightenment notion of fundamental human dignity. Has mental illness diminished Wife’s dignity to the extent that she must be protected for her own good? To have her misery and disability exploited by ‘Friend’ and then to drag your children over that cliff is quite terrible. You can love and protect your sons, but she may have to rely on the mercies of God. The future cannot be but a wilderness for her.

I so wish I could hold you and that all discussion could cease. Given that impossibility, know that I am available all week-end by phone, and that in my heart, all my love is yours.

I did call D later today, and we talked for close to an hour. I explained that I really don’t think forbidding Friend to contact the boys will do me much good if I have no way to enforce it ... which I don’t. I agree that there is something about the letter that makes my skin crawl. But I don’t know what to do about it. I can put a filter in Son 2’s e-mail because he still lives at home. But if Friend is indeed (as I believe) actually a phony identity created by the same person who has pretended (to Wife) to be Boyfriend 5 and even Celine Dion (yes!), then he or she has a great facility for creating new e-mail addresses. So a filter would be pretty temporary. And in any event I don’t see how I could reach Son 1’s e-mail, at boarding school.

I did agree, though, that maybe it is time I contacted my lawyer again (whom I have not seen since this point here) ... maybe I can send her the e-mail and get her opinion of it. I certainly need advice from someone.

Not this shit again!

I thought I was long past giving a shit what Wife said about me or to whom. Really, I know it's going to be venomous lies and there is nothing I can do about it ... so why stress?

Then this evening I discovered that three months ago, Friend sent an e-mail to the boys.

That's out of bounds. I don't know what to do about it ... probably nothing, since I can't admit I know. But I am just as upset as I ever was years ago at this kind of horseshit. So since I don't have any idea what to do, I'm going to burden you all with it and then go have a drink. Or three.

Oh, ... the one sensible thing I did was to send a copy to D. She has worked in enough dysfunctional families that she'll probably have a better idea than I do for what should come next.

Here it is, all formatting as in the original, even when it seems inconsistent.
____________________

Son 1 and Son 2:

I think I owe you both an apology.

While talking with your mom this morning, I got the distinct impression that she spoke to you concerning me yesterday. In fact, I know she particularly spoke to Son 2 because this morning, I was relaying messages to her to pass on to Son 2.

Let me say a couple of things. I really like both of you boys. I think you're great. You are two of the best kids in the world and ya have one of the best mothers, too.

I know that you are very protective of your mother. I know that your family situation isn't easy right now. I don't know the total picture, nor most of it, but I do know that your mother is very unhappy, and having spoken with your father a couple of times, I have the basic outline of a drawing of your family situation filled out, granted without all the colors filled in.

To both of you:

I am sorry if I thought you were hostile or hated me. I don't know how you feel about me, but I would like to say that I am here if at anytime you need to talk. I will not judge, even if you want to talk about your mother. I make it a habit of listening without judging. If you'd like to talk about guns, sports, law enforcement, fires, the president, Mars, alien invasions, or anything I'm here.

I want to make it clear that I love your mother very much. Yes, we are friends, but I also love her. I don't know if this is wrong. Is love wrong?

I guess I felt like you two didn't like me because if I were in your shoes, I might not like me either. I spend a lot of time talking to your mother and spending time on the phone with her and when I was your age, this would have made me really, really angry. It would have made me want to break windows, or go into my room, turn my music up as loud as I could, and play my video games all day and all night, if I could have and if I had had video games.

I met your mother through an online support group called C-T-D, (connecteive Tissue Diseases), which she was a founder/moderator of. I joined that group in July 2005. I liked your mother right away, and because of something she said online, I wrote her privately. I was being picked on by several list members because of my burns. Your mother was the only one who dealt with the problem. I appreciated that and we struck up a conversation.

Seven or eight months down the road, your mom met Boyfriend 5. Once she and Boyfriend 5 started becoming friendly, (I was friendly with him, too and considered him a friend at that time), she sort of left me behind. We still talked,but only on her terms. If she didn't want to respond to an email of mine, she didn't. That was ok though, I saw what was going on between her and Boyfriend 5. You may wonder what did I see?

I saw a woman who had a lot of love to give, not just for her children, but for adults as well. I saw a woman who was not receiving that love at home. I saw a woman who was very lonely. I saw a woman who cried all the time.

Boyfriend 5 seemed to fill a void that I could not fill and he seemed to make your mother happy. I was happy for them.

Now, maybe i'm slow on the uptake, but it wasn't for a while that I discovered that there was something going on between Boyfriend 5 that was more than just a good or even best friendship. It was more than abrother/sisterly love, either. You boys are smart, I don't need to spell it out for you.

I believe in being honest, so this is what I'm doing.

In Feb, 2006, Boyfriend 5 got really sick. I would write to your Mom and tell her how he was doing. We also began having our own internet conversations, then. This went on for quite a while. We were friends, and I would even say she was even a good friend, but it ended at that point.

Skip ahead to November of 06.

My father was murdered in November of 06, and I was a witness to that murder. I did not reappear on the internet until December around Christmas. Wife was one of the few people who offered genuine support for me during that difficult time. She gave me her phone number and I began to call her.

At first, I didn't call her a lot, because I didn't want to impose. Then, I found we had more and more things in common and we began to call each other more.

We stayed friends for over a year. In fact, I told her that in no way would I ever have a relationship with a woman. I had Rod as my partner and I was strictly gay and did not, under any circumstances, want to change that.

Our friendship, however, grew deeper and stronger and we began to tell each other things that we otherwise would not have.

One of the things your mom shared with me is just how unhappy she was living with your father. She did not tell me the whole story, nor did I ask. Some things are just meant to be kept within a family, you know? She did tell me that she felt at times verbally, mentally and physically mistreated. I pointed out to her that even though she felt this way, and that her feelings were valid, that didn't necessarily mean that was your dad's intent. She agreed that this might be true, and might still be true today. we both agree however, that this doesn't change the way she feels and how she feels is very scared sometimes.

I have made it clear that while I love your mother very much, and would even ask her to marry me if she wasn't already married, I *DO NOT* *UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES* want your family to break up. I want your mother to be happy. Even if that happiness doesn't include me. I have told her this many times. She knows how much I love her, but she also knows I don't want to be responsible for the family breaking up.

Now, that I've said all that, let me explain some more about why I thought you all hated me.

As I said, if I were in your shoes, I would be upset, too. I would feel that this person has come along, and even if I didn't start it, Boyfriend 5 did, I am still doing it, just like he used to do. I am talking to your mother all the time, I am calling at all hours when I can, and it seems like we are always on the phone.

You can ask your mom if I make her happy. Ask her if I fulfill her emotional, spiritual, and mental needs. I can't answer that for her and I wouldn't want to. She does all that and more for me. She makes me feel whole. She makes me feel complete. Without talking to her or emailing her, I feel naked. I feel as if something deep and profound is missing in my life.

I'm sorry if I thought you all hated me. You have a right to be angry at me. You have a right to feel as if I'm stealing your mother away. You are certainly entitled to your feelings and I am certainly willing to hear what they are if you'd like to share.

Remember that whatever you tell me will not be retold to your mother and certainly not to your father. I am here for you boys.... NO matter what happens. I want the best for your whole family. I care about you...all of you.

So, I hope I've cleared the air a bit. I hope I've made it clear that I don't want anything from your mom, other than what I already have, her love and friendship.

I would like to try and get to know your dad, too, but I have a feeling he doesn't want to get to know me, and that's fine.

If you have any questions, or would like to write back about anything, you are certainly welcome to do so. I will try to answer promptly, but due to work schedules, it may take me a few days.

Ahh, yes, and there is one thing I almost forgot. Wife had pointed out to me that one of you said that if I really cared, I would have come to visit. On two occasions I did have plane reservations to do just that. On the first occasion, I even had the tickets in my hand and was on my way out the door to go to the airport when I found out that Hosea had invited Boyfriend 4 to come down and spend the whole time he was gone. I suspect this was to chaperone your mom and to make sure I couldn't come. The same thing happened the second time, but fortunately, I found out early enough that I was able to cancel my flight.

Now, you may ask, "Why didn't you just come anyway?" I am an autistic. I have something called Asperger's Syndrome. This means I am a high-functioning autistic, but it means I don't do well with strangers, or people who have hurt deeply those I love. I know Boyfriend 4 hurt Wife by his drinking and it would have upset me to be in the same house with him and to have to be nice. It would have also upset me since I felt that your father was using Boyfriend 4 as a chaperone and I didn't feel this was appropriate. I love your mother very much, but she is a married woman and I would NEVER do anything to compromise those marriage vows.

I hope I have explained some things to you.

Friend, M.D.

Distracted, 2

This is my life these days. It took me a shockingly-short time to write this one -- I think I started it yesterday afternoon. I just now mailed it to D.

It follows nicely from this post a year ago, if anybody is keeping track.

I really ought to focus on my work.
It’s not like I am short of things to do!
My urgent Quadrant-Ones I dare not shirk;
But all that occupies my mind is you.

I’ve projects that have sat now for a week,
Objective-setting that lags far behind,
Assessments still to write. The outlook’s bleak
So long as you’re encamped inside my mind.

For every line I read or speech I make
Reminds me of your books, our talk so dear.
With every bite I eat, or breath I take,
I taste your kiss and feel your heartbeat near.

I drive to work and sleepwalk through the day,
Bewildered – for you’ve stol’n my soul away.