Exhausted

Dear God, but I am tired.

I took a day off from work yesterday so that Wife and I could visit Lawyer.  Wife was by turns raging, weeping, and cold.  All the way there, during the meeting, all the way back, and for the rest of the day.  At one point she told Lawyer I had been calculatingly cruel for dropping the news of a divorce on her "the day after I lost my youngest son!"  I interjected a quick explanation that this didn't mean he had died, which it sounds like, but just that we had delivered him happy and enthusiastic to boarding school.  But that's how she sees the whole thing.  I'll spare you the rest, and honestly I probably couldn't bring myself to remember or type it all anyway.

Drove home.  I did some yard work, went to the gym and exercised, picked up some groceries, came home and made dinner.  Wife lit into me again over dinner.  I tried to propose a moratorium on discussing this stuff over dinner or in the evenings, but failed.  Wife asked a lot of questions about Why? and How long have you been planning this?  I did my best not to answer them, because they are questions that will provoke more tears and recriminations, not questions that move us forward; I kept asking her to focus on What terms do I want? What terms can I live with?  I only lost my temper and yelled once -- a first in months -- when I was trying to urge her to think about what she can do, and she cut me off to tell me all about what she can't do and how all scenarios for the future are impossible.

By the end of the evening I was bone-weary.  This morning at the office I am vacuous and unfocussed.  My arms ache, which I chalk up to overdoing it at the gym.  But the fact that I can't think clearly?  That I know I shouldn't trust myself to make important decisions or do anything more than routine tasks?  It's not a hangover: I drank some last night but not that damned much and there's no headache.  It can't be the exercise, ... can it?

I think it's just that the weight of the whole business is starting to settle on me, and that the effort to stay cool and calm and businesslike when I'm with Wife has been more of a strain than I realized.

I'm really, really tired.