Emails with Debbie, 3

When Debbie cut short our dialog (at the end of the previous post), I wondered if I had stepped across some line somewhere without knowing it.  God knows that happened often enough with D, so I wouldn't have been too surprised if it happened again here.  So I asked her about it:

Hi Debbie,

I realized this afternoon that I’m not quite clear where you see the boundaries on the usefulness of e-mail, so I’d like to ask.  But please bear with me for just a minute so that I can frame the question.

You’ve said – and I’ve agreed – that now and for the near future we’ll have lunch from time to time but not get together for other kinds of occasions.  There are several reasons for this: you mentioned one on Monday, but after only a short reflection I thought of a couple others as well.  So in a nutshell, it’s the right thing to do.

Do you see the same considerations applying to e-mail?  I mean, … that it is useful in (say) organizing lunches but should be limited to that?  If yes, I’ll treat it that way and not use it to extend the conversation.  I know you said that quite clearly after our last lunch (a month ago), but I’m not quite sure if you were saying the same thing again earlier today.  Maybe so.  Again, if yes, that’s what I’ll do.

No hurry or pressure for a quick answer.  Just whenever you feel like it.  I will in any event not write more until I hear from you again, and that can be as short or as long as you like.  Either way is fine.

All the best, in every way,

Hosea

Fortunately, her answer was a lot more nuanced than I feared it might be:

Hi Hosea,

Actually, yesterday I was truly overtired and my mind was dull, but I didn't want to wait to reply.  That's why my message was so short.

But your question is a good one.  I'm not sure where the boundaries on e-mail should be.  Why don't we talk through this and decide together what is best for us to do?  It is occurring to me that negotiating decisions and working through issues doesn't have to be the difficult struggle it often was for me with my husband and that it sounds like it has been for you with Wife.  You and I have an opportunity to do something different.  I feel a big sigh of relief when I think that we might covenant with each other to take a collaborative approach to whatever comes up, to try to work through things together, as best as we can.  Are you up for it?

So... these are my thoughts about e-mail.  First, I love reading your messages to me.  I love how you talk and I can hear your voice clearly in your words.  Discussion is good - we continue to get to know each other and it is helpful to clarify questions.   At the same time, I do feel somewhat uncomfortable with e-mail for a couple of reasons.  I don't entirely trust the privacy of e-mail.  I know that any e-mail you send or receive at work is the property of your employer and when I hear you describe your company's strict e-mail policy, I feel concerned that there could be trouble for you over using your company e-mail account for our conversations.  Makes me a bit reticent to discuss anything personal (but I am doing it now!).  My other concern has to do with the emotional side of e-mail.  Our exchanges are evoking plenty of strong feelings of various flavors for me and it seems to me that cyber romance is not a good idea right now for some of the same reasons that dating needs to wait, but also because I would prefer that most of our relating be in person rather than online.

That's what comes up for me... what about you?

yes, fondly,
Debbie

There were a lot of points in this note that I found very encouraging.  "Romance"?  "Dating"?  She and I have the chance to do "something different" specifically as compared to our (respective) difficult marriages?  All of it good.  And then there was, I think, the first use of that verb ... "love".

I was very happy to read that.