Jealous

Son 2 goes back to school today after a week’s vacation.  Son 1 went back on Wednesday.  While I was at work during the week, Son 2 baked brownies and made fudge with Wife, played board games, and so on.

I find myself being jealous of the time he spent with her doing fun things, especially since I often have trouble thinking of fun things to do.  There’s a whining voice inside my head that says, “I don’t want him to have fun with her! I want him to have fun with me! I want to be the favorite parent!”

I’m starting to think this same whiny voice is behind my desire to get the majority of custody time.  Yes, I think many of Wife’s principles are dysfunctional; yes, I think she’s an ineffective parent; yes, I’m disgusted by her incestuous fantasies towards Son 2.  But for heaven’s sake, the boys are in their middle teens.  Son 1 is sixteen; Son 2 is fourteen.  And eight months out of the year they spend at school, around people who are supposed to be excellent role models.  So what the hell am I worried about?  They are their own people now.  How much damage can she really do?

The truth is that the whole idea of “favorite parent” is a red herring.  Both boys have criticisms of both of us.  (Different criticisms.)  Both boys will continue to love both of us anyway, just because we are their parents.  And even if, as adults, they decide not to spend time with us at all – or worse (from my vanity’s point of view), even if they decide to spend time with her and not me – that’s not the real point.  The real point is that they grow up to be good, ethical young men.  What they do after that is out of my control and none of my business.

It doesn’t stop me from feeling jealous anyway, but I try to remember that.