crazy spending? why do I even care?

A couple days ago I whined to you that Wife went out and bought a bed at the same time that she claims she is destitute.  And you very likely wndered, “Hosea, why are you even telling us this? You’ve already established long since that when it comes to spending money, Wife has the discrimination and self-control of an alley cat in heat … or at least you’ve said it often enough. Why bend our ears with one more example? Why, for God’s sake, do you even care?”

An excellent question.  You might have thought that it would have occurred to me too, but no such luck.

On the other hand, last night I attended a meditation group with Debbie, one that meets weekly and that we have been visiting pretty regularly.  In lieu of a dharma talk they were reading a book about how to use meditation to improve your life, and last night they got to a technique for dealing with strong emotions (and the catastrophes in our lives which cause them) that goes under the acronym RAIN: Recognize what is going on right now, Allow it to be what it is (e.g., if you’re angry or ashamed don’t pretend you aren’t), Investigate it with kindness, and then practice Non-identification with the feeling (so that the anger or shame or whatever aren’t you and aren’t yours, they are just like a wave that is passing through you on its way somewhere else).

Sounds great.  What does that mean?  I’m not quite sure, but Debbie suggested (most gently) that it might be useful for me to try this exercise as a tool for understanding why I got so irritated at hearing Wife’s news about buying a bed.

How can I resist a beautiful woman?

So, first things first.  What was even going on for me?  What exactly was I really feeling?  Was it (as Debbie suggested) anger and frustration?  Hmmm.  Frustration, maybe, but not anger.  More like despite, or contempt.  Judgement, to say the least.  And yes, serious frustration.

Really?  Why?

For making a damn-fool buying decision … no, wait, for making yet one more damn-fool buying decision. 

What does “damn-fool” mean in this context? 

It means that her decision was wrong on the face of it.  It means she can’t distinguish between things she needs now and things she wants for later. 

I see.  So she should have done something different.  Tell me, is this stuff written down somewhere in a big book?  Is there somewhere she could have looked it up to find out what she should have chosen instead?

Well no, of course not.  Not literally.  But everyone else in the world can tell the difference – why can’t she? 

Everyone?

I sure wouldn’t have made that choice, in her shoes!

I see.  It kind of sounds like you are saying that in this context, “damn-fool decision” means more or less the same thing as “decision that Hosea disagrees with”.  Have I got that right?

Ummm, … not exactly.  I don’t know.  Well, maybe.

I see.  And so the fact that she disagrees with you bothers you exactly … why, again?

Because it is stupid and self-defeating.  Look: she blames me for never having any money and being in huge debt, and then she spends money she doesn’t have on things she doesn’t need.  Well no wonder she’s broke and in debt!  But it’s something she is causing for herself, and nothing that’s my fault.

Wait a minute.  Is the problem that she makes these decisions, or that she blames you for their consequences?

Both, I guess.  But damn, she’d better not start whining about being broke again, or I’m going to remind her of this!

I see.  Of course now you actually sound kind of glad that it happened, so that you can use it as evidence to prove that she’s Wrong in some hypothetical future argument.  Is that right?

What?  I don’t know.  Maybe, I guess.  Oh, all right, yes.  I’m looking forward to proving that I’m Right and She’s Wrong.

Sounds like there’s some ego invested in your opinions, and like part of what irritates you is that she has the gall to disagree with your “Obviously-Superior” sense of priorities.  Is that it?

Well no, it’s not just about me.  I mean, it’s obvious, isn’t it?  Can’t anyone with any brains see that the right prioritization is the one I would have made and not the one that she would have made?  There’s nothing egotistical about it.  It’s just that I’m the one who is right!  Or, … well … OK, maybe I see your point.

Don’t feel dejected.  It is what it is.  If part of your reaction is about ego, then that’s what is.  Recognize it, and then Allow it to be what it is.

Right.

So is that the whole deal?

Oh no, there’s more.  That was just a sidebar, in fact.

Fine, what else is going on?

Well, I hate being blamed all the time.  She does it a lot and it always makes me mad because it feels so unfair.

Why does it make you feel bad?

Because nobody likes being blamed for something unfairly!

I’m not sure I understand how that is really a reason.  Why does being blamed make you feel bad?

Look – blaming me for something means she’s saying that I did something to make her miserable.  But I don’t want to make her miserable.  I don’t want to make anybody miserable.  And so I hate that she’s miserable at all, in the first place.  Plus it makes me squirm that she thinks I’m the one who caused her misery, when I thought I was doing the right thing.

Let me be sure I understand, because you are saying several things here.  First, you say that Wife’s misery makes you miserable, … that it is contagious, or something like that.

Yes, exactly.

But then you also say that her opinion of you makes you miserable too, because the way she sees you – the way she characterizes your behavior – is so very different from the way you see yourself.

Ummm, … yes.

Do you care about everybody else’s opinion in the world?  Or just hers?  Or what?  Let me put it this way: for any issue you can think of, there are some people in the world who are passionately in favor and others who are passionately opposed.  Does this fact cause you to lose a lot of sleep at night?

No, it doesn’t.

So do you care about everybody’s opinion?  Everybody in the world?

I guess not.

But you care about hers.  Why?

[pause]  I don’t know.  Maybe it’s just habit, because I spent so many years caring for her and about her.  And I guess I still care about her, to some extent.

OK.  Anything else?

Maybe it’s just that she knows me, and has known me for a long time.  And I hate to think that someone who has known me for so long could think so poorly of me.

Do you mean, you hate to think that someone who has known you for so long could understand you so differently from the way you understand yourself?

I guess.

I see.  Incidentally, how’s that working for you?

[chuckles]  Not so well, I guess.

Anything else?

Like what?

You tell me.  I’m just thinking, though, that if she told you the sky is paisley, it wouldn’t bother you so much … or at any rate it would bother you in a very different way.

I suppose that’s true.  What’s your point?

Is there any possible chance you could believe that the sky really is paisley?

Instead of blue?  No.

So if somebody said it is, you’d just write her off (or him) as crazy.  Right?  It wouldn’t eat at you.

True.

But when Wife says you’re being cruel to her, it eats at you.

Yes.

What’s the difference?

Are you asking, “What’s the difference between (a) Wife accusing me of deliberate cruelty, and (b) someone claiming the sky is paisley?”

That’s my question.

Well (b) is absurd.  I can dismiss it out of hand.

And (a)?

Well I sure think it’s absurd.  But it’s not like saying the sky is paisley.  I mean, everybody else can see that the sky is blue, too.  But if other people looked at things in the twisted, self-centered way she does, they might start thinking the same things she thinks.

They might?

Well I don’t know.  But it’s possible.  She thinks it, after all.

Could they be right?

What?

Could they be right?  Is it possible that maybe she’s right after all, and you are doing the things you do in order to make her suffer?

Of course not!  How can you say that?  Don’t you know how often I have bent over backwards for her?  Don’t you know … oh hell, I don’t know.  Anything is possible, maybe.  I sure don’t think that’s true, though.

Have you ever had cruel thoughts about Wife?

Wait a minute, back off!  What are you saying?  I’m not a cruel person!

But only a few minutes ago you admitted that you were really pretty pleased that you could use one of Wife’s mistakes against her, that you could rub her nose in it, that you could shame her for making a stupid decision, and that you could beat her in an argument.

Did I?  Oh … right.  That.  [pause]  Damn.

So have you ever had cruel thoughts about Wife?

I guess I’m not going to get very far by saying “No” am I?

Have you?

Yes, I guess so.

Which is the real Hosea?  The kind one or the cruel one?  Do you think there’s a chance that the cruel one is the real you?  Is that why it upsets you so much when Wife says it?

I don’t know.  I don’t think that’s it, really.  But I feel all tangled up right now.  Maybe anything’s possible and I’m just really confused.

Or not.  Let’s try another possibility.  What if it turns out that you have been cruel by accident, through negligence or inattention.  Is that possible?

I guess.

Have you ever been negligent or inattentive in other personal relationships?

God, yes.

Are you afraid of doing it again?

Always.

Is there a chance you have been with Wife?

Well it would be consistent, that’s for sure.

Is that what you feel when Wife starts to complain about you?  Do you feel like hitting yourself in the forehead and shouting, “How could I have missed doing this or that? What was I thinking?”  Because if yes, then maybe the reason you care about her opinion is that you think it points to a negligence you fear is real.

It’s not quite that, though.  What I want to say, … what I want to scream, rather, is more like, “My God, woman, what do you want from me? Is nothing ever good enough? What does it take for you to stop sticking me with pins? Where are the boundaries? What are the rules to this game we’re playing?”

OK, you’re right that that’s a little different.  Do you mean she really never tells you what she wants, but then complains when you don’t do it?

Yeah.  Well, sometimes at least.  Maybe sometimes she spells out what she wants.

But once she complains about something, then that should tell you that was something she wanted, shouldn’t it?

Yes.

Does she ever complain about the same thing over again?  Or is it always something new?

Oh no, she complains about the same things over and over again.  And over again, for good measure.

So by the third or fourth time, you have a pretty good idea of what she wants?

Yes.

Do you give it to her?

Sure.  Well, sometimes.  I think.

Always?

No.

So what you’re telling me now is that she tells you she wants something (maybe by complaining that you didn’t provide it, but never mind that part now), … and then you don’t give it to her, … and then she complains at not getting it, … and you think she’s being unreasonable because she’s never satisfied.  That’s what you just said.  But tell me, how can she be satisfied if you never give her what she asked for?  How can you expect her to be satisfied if you never give her what she asks for?  Am I missing something?

It’s just that the things she wants are crazy.

Hang on, one thing at a time.  Am I missing something?

[sighs]  No, I guess that’s about right.

But in that case you should know perfectly well that she’s going to keep complaining, because the want has never been filled.  Right?  And so if that unfilled want generated a complaint before, and if you leave it unfilled, why exactly do you expect to get a different result next time?

I guess that doesn’t make a lot of sense.

So her complaints are actually pretty predictable, aren’t they?  Or at least more predictable than you were claiming a minute ago?

Yes.

Let me ask something else.  If she says she wants something, and you specifically don’t give it to her, aren’t you being cruel?

No!  Of course not!  If a toddler asks you to buy him Disneyland and you don’t do it, is that cruel?

But if a man is dying of thirst and you could offer him a glass of water but don’t … isn’t that cruel?

I like my example better.

Of course.  But at any rate is it fair to admit there is a continuum, a spectrum, between the one example and the other?

Yes.

And deciding where exactly Wife’s requests land along that spectrum might be a judgement call?

Oh hell, I don’t know.  Yeah, it might.  Maybe.

And so there really is a chance that maybe you are being cruel to her after all?  Deliberately, I mean, because you deliberately choose not to give her the things she wants from you?

But the things she wants are crazy.  And she wants so much.

What do you mean by “crazy”?  Do you mean they are psychotic?  Delusional?

No … just so much more than I can give.

Every single one by itself is more than you can give?

Ummm … maybe not.  The whole lot of them together is more than I can give, or more than I know how to give, because the whole lot of them together would cost more money than I know how to make.  And I would hate doing it because I would resent the hell out of giving her so much.

So what you really mean is that you don’t give her the things she wants from you because you want her to want something else instead, even though you know that the things you value and the things she values are very different.  So she will never want the things you want.  She will never want the things you want her to want.  And then you blame her for complaining when you refuse to give her what she asked for.  And you act surprised.  Have I got that right?

[sighs]  I guess.

I see.  Incidentally, how’s that working for you?

Not so well.

That’s kind of the sense I was getting.  [pauses]  You know, we’ve talked a lot and somehow we never got to the main point.

What main point?

Well we’ve talked a whole lot about Wife’s blaming you for things – including that she is short of cash – but we never said much about her actual purchase itself.  And yet I think you said that you feel just as upset at the purchase as you do at the blame.

Yes, I think that’s true.

Why?  Or let me start by asking “How?”  I mean, “upset” is a pretty vague word.  It can mean almost anything.  How exactly does it make you feel, when Wife buys something expensive that you think is crazy?

I panic.  And I feel totally out of control.

“Out of control”?  Interesting choice of words.  What is it you aren’t controlling?

Well, … ummm, … I guess it makes me feel like I’m not in control of her spending.

Naturally.  But why would you expect to be?

Well back when we lived together and spent out of a common bank account, I would plan to pay our bills on the assumption that we had this much money.  And I’d hate to find out all of a sudden that we had only that much instead.

Did that ever happen?

In the early years of our marriage, it happened a lot.

And you felt …?

Trapped.

Another interesting word.  Why “trapped”?

Well, how was I supposed to fix the problem?

I don’t know.  Why did it have to be you?  It was her spending – why couldn’t you ask her to fix the problem?

I don’t know.  I just didn’t.  I just assumed it was my problem to solve.  Or maybe she assumed it was, and made it my problem.  Or maybe I never challenged her about it.  I screamed about it, but in retrospect that never seemed to help a lot.

Screaming didn’t help?  I’m shocked.  Shocked.  So you felt trapped.  But why now?  You have separate money now, you live in different places.  Why do you care?

You’re right, of course.  And I reminded myself of that at the time.  It helped me calm down.  I think it was just the memory triggered a feeling out of habit, because it had been the other way for so long.  Well, that and ….

And?

And part of me is afraid that somehow we’re not done yet … that somehow she will manage to make it my problem one last time … that somehow she will convince a judge some place to award her a shitload of money to pay alll these crazy bills she is racking up.

I see.  Do you think that’s likely?  I thought the two of you weren’t even going to court, and were going to do everything by mutual agreement.

Sure, that’s the idea.  But how can I know if that will really work out?  Maybe we’ll end up in court after all.

Court is pretty expensive.

It sure is!

Expensive enough that I have to wonder … is the cost of the bed really going to be your biggest worry at that point?

Huh?  Oh, I see.  Oh.  OK, maybe not.

So why are you worried about it?  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t look forward to anybody going to court.  But why are you so worried about this particular purchase?

I guess that doesn’t make much sense.  Maybe it goes back to my saying that I feel that way out of habit.

Is that habit doing you any good now?

What do you mean?

Well it sounds like you are reacting automatically in a way that makes you panic when you feel out of control of events which are indeed genuinely out of your control … and which maybe aren’t all that big as threats in the long run.  So is that feeling doing you any good?

I guess not.

Has the habit outlived its time?

Yes, I think so.