Back in March I sent out a quote from Friedrich Nietzsche that I had recently re-found, mailing it to several friends and relatives that I thought might enjoy it. One of these was D. The quote ran:
“What someone is begins to show itself when his talent subsides — when he stops showing what he can do. Talent is also finery, and finery is also a hiding place.” (Beyond Good and Evil, 130)
That was in March. I also copied her on the e-mail I sent out announcing Plato’s birthday. [link] But it wasn’t until July 1 that I heard anything from her in reply:
Dear Hosea,
Goodness...the quote is more enigmatic than much of Nietzsche. Humorously, I figure it must apply to you, as my demonstrated talents are fairly limited. In short, you might see through the 'so-called talent' to the genuine person pretty easily. I certainly can't claim any 'finery.'
Many changes...most importantly, I bought a new home, an artist's home, and was forced to downsize pretty drastically. I felt a good deal of sympathy for Wife after purging two thirds of my books, much of my grandmother's china, and plenty of my furniture. That said, the house is unique, with a three story miniature frontier village in the back yard and flaming red granite countertops in the kitchen. We sold the home [that she owned with her husband], and as you might suspect, it's the process of selling a home that is most fascinating.
My job goes very well; the yearbook was universally admired. My talent in this creative process lies in encouraging other more gifted individuals to contribute to the book. You might be interested to know that I commissioned in-depth profiles on "coming out" and chronic depression. Took some heat for the pro-gay story (despite my principal's support), but the girl who was brave enough to contribute her story about depression received many favorable remarks and one parent tearfully thanked me for the story...her freshman daughter has tried to kill herself three times thus far. My students and their parents were enormously kind and supportive, and the administration has been equally affirmative. It's all good.
It is good to know that you are enjoying Plato and encourage others to celebrate his birthday with a variety of ideas! ….
The most stunning material I have read recently comes from Edward Thomas:
I at the most accept
Your love, regretting
That is all: I have kept
A helpless fretting
That I could not return
All that you gave
And could not ever burn
With the love you have,
Till sometimes it did seem
Better it were
Never to see you more
Than linger here
With only gratitude
Instead of love—
A pine in solitude
Cradling a dove.
I think I understand your decision now. Yet you will always have my friendship. Perhaps someday, that will be worth celebrating.
Know that I think of you very often and wish you nothing but happiness. Without asking, I also hope Wife is doing well, and that you are enjoying a summer with Son 1 and Son 2.
Take care, be well.
D
Is it just me, or does anybody else think this letter sounds arrogant? She claims to feel sympathy with Wife for downsizing her possessions, but of course what she feels is nothing at all like what Wife felt: D was at any rate in control of the process of downsizing, while Wife felt like we drove over her heedlessly. I don’t say Wife was right to want to keep all the antique dust bunnies, but at least I recognize that she felt deeply victimized by D and me.
Besides, D’s new house is “an artist’s home” and “unique”. Plus everyone at her job is supportive and thinks she’s doing brilliantly. Maybe I’m being an old curmudgeon here, but it really sounds like all these things all mean, “Admire me!” I wanted to be a little kinder than that when I wrote back, but I have also lost patience with simply not saying anything. So I decided to be coy about it.
Dear D,
The opening of your letter made me smile with fond reminiscences: your staunch disclaiming of any “finery” followed by two paragraphs of pure finery was so delightfully in character that it took me straight back.
So you have a new house? I had better ask the address. I keep thinking that you must want that lovely photograph of yourself up in a tree, but somehow my days always end up busy and I tell myself I will mail it back “tomorrow”. And now it seems just as well that I never sent it to the old address, as it might have gone astray. That would have been very bad….
I’m not at all sure how to understand the poem from Edward Thomas, nor your more or less cryptic remarks immediately after it. I almost think that you mean it as some kind of description of what happened between us, but it’s hard for me to see how that can be right. Somehow it doesn’t sound like the poem speaks for you, although I don’t want to put words in your mouth. But it surely doesn’t speak for me. On my side things were a lot simpler than the subtle, nuanced feelings that Thomas spells out so delicately. I broke off the relationship because it wasn’t working for me, simple as that. And the more distance I have, the more facets or elements I can see that didn’t work. In retrospect I have to smile a little ruefully that I didn’t see the bigger picture at the time; but it’s often hard to see a big picture when you are too close to it. So all I could talk about at the time that I broke up with you was a vague unease. Only now can I see that the vague unease was a symptom of bigger things. I don’t want to descend into list-making so I’ll stop there, saying only that I have come to see that the things I needed out of a relationship were different from the things I was able to get from ours. Maybe if I had been a different person (or had understood my own needs more clearly) things could have been different. I apologize for the confusion. I apologize that I had no idea what I needed out of a relationship … maybe only now am I starting to get a partial answer to that question. At the same time, I have to say that I learned a lot from our relationship that I would probably not have learned any other way – and for that part I will always be inestimably grateful.
I hope this finds you well.
All the best, ever and always,
Hosea
It’s true that I am grateful. I certainly learned a lot of sexual techniques that I can now use to great profit with Debbie, that I would never have learned with Wife. On the other hand, I had more than my fill of D’s hair-trigger temper or her desperate craving for flattery and ego-reinforcement. At one point I scrolled back through the posts I wrote in this blog and realized that, while our affair lasted for four years (from late 2008 to mid-2012), I started trying to break it off after only two (November 2010). I never knew the term “narcissism” before D explained to me how it applied to Wife; but D’s own insistence that I reflect back to her the story she chose to believe about herself made me understand that it applies to her just as strongly.
So it is no surprise that she took … let’s call it a dim view of my letter. And I think that her reply finally brings our correspondence pretty much to an end. Oh, she says things in it that I would love to contradict or correct, if it were critically important to me to have the last word. But it’s easier to let her have it, and I see no profit in trying to clarify further. She wrote me:
Dear Hosea,
Provocative, as always.
I was embarrassed by your first paragraph...I didn't see the irony until you pointed it out. Later, I realized I wasn't being dense; I don't see my home or my job as "finery". Who I am is very much determined by what I do, and while work and possessions can never capture an entire person, they have importance and worth. Certainly the tragic life of Nietzsche offers no guidance. I suspect an average life, as mine surely is, is better for maintaining a warm, inviting home, and it is no bad thing to help others achieve their dreams in my professional life.
Perhaps this discussion about 'vanities' is enough to indicate our real differences. God knows I have no wish for any kind of 'list' detailing the ways we were not compatible. Your "confusion" caused me a great deal of pain and anguish. If I never understand the reasons for your decision, it is because you withdrew and didn't tell me. Many times, your words and actions during the last year of our relationship were unkind and regrettable. I have no wish to re-visit them, or add to my sadness and self-condemnation….
I have wanted to mail back your thesis and the wonderful picture taken at your college graduation. Surely your sons will treasure both. I suspect the work address will be fine. You can mail back my picture to …. The rest of the gifts exchanged should remain with the recipient. I treasure yours to me and remember the joy and happiness we once shared.
Do take care; be well.
D
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