Reply to Debbie's farewell, last part

And finally, in conclusion, ....
__________

I suggest that you tell your therapist the whole story of your relationship with Wife.  Tell her about how you met, what the early years were like, how Wife’s behavior changed over the years.  Tell her about the incident with the kitchen knife when Son1 and Son2 were little.  Tell about the many affairs and about Boyfriend4.  Tell about Wife’s many episodes of taking her medications and drinking and passing out.  Tell about Son2 coping for and “parenting” Wife.  Tell about the many threats and accusations and about the dramatic suicide attempts.  Tell her about how you behaved in reaction to all this and about measures you took to protect yourself and the boys and to get free.  Tell your therapist everything from beginning to end.  This will be difficult and you won’t want to do it, so start with what you are able to tell her and go from there.

I may have told her some of this already … I forget what I have, and what I haven’t.  But I sent her this letter unedited.  Her reaction was not “Oh my God, she did what???”  Her reaction was, rather, “So how did all these things affect Debbie? Why did they matter to her? It seems like that one piece of the puzzle is missing.”  I described your story of going through four years of therapy and twelve-step work after separating from your husband, and only then coming to see things in a clearer perspective.  And I told her that you have suggested the same may be true for me.

Of course it might be.  We’ll have to see.  Her general comment, though, is that she tends to think there’s not only one way up the mountain.  Maybe my path is a different one, and will go by way of different steps than yours.  Not that she said she doesn’t want to hear any of this stuff … she’s willing to listen to anything I want to talk about.  But she did suggest that I should have an idea why a story matters before I start telling it, to make sure we are using the time productively.  And other than letting her know that these things happened – which I did in any event by sending her your letter – I’m not sure I can tell right now why it matters that she know all the details of how they happened.  Maybe I’m overlooking something, though.

I’m not sure where this leaves us.  Of course I’m never going to send this letter, so I could just stop here.  Maybe I will be able to think of a clever summary tomorrow morning.  I don’t have one right now.

I will always love you,

Hosea