Tired and stressed

It's Wednesday night (this won't post till Thursday some time) and I am tired and stressed.  The boys have been here with me since last Thursday evening, Son 2 goes back to Wife's place two nights from now (Friday), Son 1 stays over one more night until Saturday morning so he can go to a friend's birthday party … and I can't wait for them to be gone.  The thing is, I have no idea why.

It has been building, I guess.  Over the weekend it was fine … actually what the hell did we even do over the weekend?  I can't remember.  Saturday I cleaned the apartment some.  Sunday I did laundry and cooked.  I think I took a nap.  But I can't remember what else.

When they first got back here, we talked in the evenings.  Then for two or three evenings I read to them.  (Yes, they are teenagers but they still enjoy being read to.)  Last night they listened to music on their respective computers while I just sat in my room and flipped idly through a book I wasn't reading and stared.  This evening I haven't even made dinner yet.  (None of us is terribly hungry just at the moment.)

But I don't know what this is about.  Am I tired?  The sun is still up.  And work wasn't especially hard today.  Am I worn down by petty irritations?  There are those, of course, but they are pretty petty.  I could take up time telling stories about them, but even I find it hard to take them seriously.

Do I need exercise?  If they weren't here, I would have gone to Sangha last night – but I don't go when I have them to come home to – and the gym is on the way.  I might have gotten a (rare) round of exercise in.  Or maybe I miss going to Sangha.  Maybe I need to make a point of keeping to my routines even when they are here, rather than letting them change everything around.  My impulse is to treat them like honored guests, but maybe I should treat them more like … err, … family.

I feel like I want a drink.  Does that mean actually I'm sleepy instead?  I'm not sure … maybe tired, maybe stressed.  Or anxious … possibly that's more accurate.  I don't think I'm sleepy.  I lay down a few minutes ago as if to take a nap; and while I enjoyed taking myself offline, I didn't fall asleep or even doze.

Why am I anxious?  Let's sort through some possible reasons.  Starting at one extreme … do I expect any harm from them?  No, of course not.  Does it tire me out to have to know what to say when we talk?  Maybe that's closer … and it's true that I worry about whether I'm saying the right thing or being the right person.  I care what they think about me and feel for me, and I worry if I'm not good enough.  So is it that I'm tired of expending the effort to have to be somebody in particular, in this case to be Dad?  Ummm, … maybe, but that sounds kind of abstract.  It sounds like I'm looking for a hi-falutin' sounding excuse for how I feel, when how I feel isn't anything at all high or grand.  It's low and tense and sort of grotty.

Maybe I'm just hungry.  Maybe I should make dinner.

I'd like a drink, but these days I'm kind of trying not to do that.  Or at any rate not while they're here.  That's the other reason I can't wait for them to be gone – because then I'll let myself have a drink.  I only hope that by then I won't feel I need one.

__________ 

P.S. (added the next day):  Hunger seems to have had something to do with it.  I felt better after dinner.  Something else to try when I feel like I want a drink.  But I do also feel like I want my peace-and-quiet back.  Funny how once upon a time I was worried that living alone would make me feel lonely, and so far that seems to be the least of my problems.

Also ... the next time I tell you that all my anxiety seems to have gone away miraculously, it will pay you to wait a week and then check back in with me to see if I'm still saying the same thing.