This year's custoday calendar called for me to pick up the boys from Wife's place the afternoon or evening of Christmas Eve and then drive to my parents' house three hours away for Christmas Day. We hadn't specified the time very exactly, and I was running a little late (by my reckoning) in tidying up my apartment so that the boys could stay there the following week. But that turned out to be no problem, as I got a series of texts from Son 1 – spaced out over a few hours – proposing progressively later and later pick-up times, and finally proposing that we spend the night of the 24th in my apartment (only an hour from Wife's place) and do the rest of the drive in the morning.
I appreciated the extra time to get my apartment tidied and vacuumed and mopped, but I have to admit that at the first of these texts a little corner of my mind felt hurt and sulky that the boys were clearly having more fun with Wife than they expected to have with me and so were trying to delay their departure as long as possible. Another corner of my mind stepped in to play the adult and say "There there, it doesn't really matter which of you they like better. Just be the best Dad you know how to be and let things happen as they will. Hasn't all your meditation practice taught you not to cling to outcomes?" Then the sulky corner of my mind sighed heavily and shut up … still sulking but knowing he was wrong.
However, as the text messages kept coming and the pick-up was delayed later and later, I began to formulate another theory. Wife was never terribly good at planning her time, nor at knowing how long it takes to do things. So I began to think it more and more likely that she had decided to schedule Christmas Dinner for the 24th (instead of putting it safely on the 23rd, when there would be no pick-up looming at the end of the day), and that she was cooking something which was proving to take longer than she expected. At that, the Sulky Child in my mind perked up, because it meant that the delay was caused by Wife's being careless or irrational or difficult and so I could hope to look better by comparison. My Patient Adult voice, in contrast, sighed softly and thought how tough it must be to be her, how much suffering she must be inadvertently causing herself this way, and how too bad it is for the boys to have to deal with it all. But if that's what is, then so it is.
When I finally collected the boys, somewhere around 8:00pm, Sulky Child could rejoice that all his fond hopes had been granted. Son 1 texted me that I shouldn't even come into the house or knock on the door, because Wife was in such a towering rage over … nothing that he could identify. So I parked out front and texted Son 1 that I had arrived. He and Son 2 came out a minute later carrying their luggage. Wife followed them to hug them goodbye, and we left. And all the way back to my apartment the boys kept saying:
"My God, Mom was just flipping out."
"Everything was wrong: the dinner didn't come out right, we were 'ungrateful' and 'spent all our time on the computer', you [Hosea] were the Antichrist ... and like that."
"I told her 'Relax, it'll be fine even if we don't serve the turkey on a silver platter like your mother used to do,' but she got so upset she had to go in her bedroom and scream for a while."
"You know how she gets around the holidays."
"Plus she was wigging out because it's the 'first year' that we're not going to be 'home for Christmas' … which means that we're not going to be in her house exactly on December 25. And she can't just say 'OK so we'll celebrate Christmas on another day' because Christmas is 'really' on the 25th and if we're not with her that day then that's the end of the world."
"I am so glad we're going to be spending the next week with you. I mean, your apartment doesn't have Internet and there's nothing to do there, but at least you're rational."
"Dad, do you understand Mom?"
"Or is that a dumb question – is that why you're separated?"
"I think she really still can't deal with being divorced, even though it's been over a year."
I gave them some of my ideas about what could be going on in her head. When Son 1 talked about how hard he had worked to calm her down, and how he is so much better at calming her than Son 2 is, I added, "Well I used to be the world's expert on how to calm your Mom, but by now I am probably out of practice." In the past I'd always tried not to criticize her in front of them, but it was clear that I wasn't saying anything they hadn't already seen for themselves; so as long as I kept it reasonably objective – "I think that she sees this thing in that way, and therefore she reacts like so" – I figured I was on solid ground. We all agreed that she makes her own life miserable by the things she believes and the way she sees things. And when we got back to my apartment, Son 1 stepped inside saying, "I've missed this place!" It flattered my egotism and warmed my heart.
The rest is briefly told. Christmas morning we drove the two hours to my parents' house. My brother and his girlfriend joined us there. We all opened presents and ate a lot; then stayed the night there and ate some more the next day. By the afternoon of Boxing Day, Son 1 wanted to leave and go back to my apartment. He said this was because he wanted to see his friends in Beautiful City, but I'm starting to think otherwise because now that we have been back a couple days [I'm writing this on the 28th] he hasn't called anyone yet. Son 2 kind of wanted to stay with my parents for another day because he had brought homework to do over Christmas Break and when we went back to my place he'd have to start working on it. But when I proposed that I drive Son 1 back and Son 2 come the next day on the train, he said right away he'd rather come with us directly. So we left there maybe 28 hours after we arrived, about the same time that my brother and his girlfriend left.
And since then we have been hanging out in my apartment in Beautiful City, not doing much. We all got haircuts yesterday and I went to my volunteer work in the evening. I think today we are going out to a movie. Tomorrow, Son 2 has a doctor's appointment. There are things to do. But I think it is going to be a very low-key week. And that's a good thing.
Anybody have plans for New Year's Eve? Let us know and maybe we'll crash your party ….
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