Snug hypocrisy, part 2

Of course it's not really that simple, either. It would be closer to say that I have two different settings, or modes: outward-facing and inward-facing. When I face outward, it is easy (or easier) for me to do new things, take on new tasks, meet new people. I have more energy and I seek out variety. When I face inward, it is easy for me to do the same things over and over: to eat the same foods, to go through the same routines, and not to reach out to others. Unusual tasks -- whether cold-calling doctor's offices or solving somebody else's problem at work (the kind that will never be addressed if I don't do it) -- these seem vaguely unpleasant, or even a little scary, and really tomorrow is just as good as today. One day won't make that much difference. And maybe I'll go through the same reasoning again tomorrow ... how much difference can a day make?

 

They are two different ways of operating, and both are natural to me. When I first moved into my apartment back on mid-2013, and for up to a year afterwards, I was running on the first setting. I was in a new place, I was in a new relationship, and I had the energy to match. I sought out things I hadn't done through the long years of my marriage: art exhibits, live theater, concerts, events about town. Every day -- or at any rate every week -- it was something new.

 

But more recently, I've noticed the pattern beginning to shift and close in. Somehow it seems like more trouble than it used to be, to find these events and get myself to them. It takes more effort to feel enthusiastic about them. For some time, I replaced those other events with movies ... and so I was going to a lot of movies. Of course, movies are passive entertainment, the way television is. They show in dark theaters. There is a lot less need to engage. And even so, just in the past few months I'm noticing my movie going drop off. I'll see any number of films coming to town that look like they should be pretty good. But then, when it comes right down to it, would I rather go to a movie or do my laundry? ... go to a movie or go to bed early? More and more these days, the movie loses out.

 

Seeing this means that I now evaluate differently my urge to relocate or change jobs. It's not for any reason so simple as "I like change". Rather, I think that these plans are a ploy to force myself back into the outward setting instead of the inward one. If everything in my life suddenly changes, after all, I'll have no choice. Simple survival will mean I'll have to face outward -- to make new friends, to do new things, and to be effective at tasks I don't like to do. A move would force me out of a rut.

 

Not that anybody is actually offering me a move right now. But I wanted to capture the insight before it wafts out the other ear and disappears ....