Dialogue with Marie

The dialogue continues.

This in itself is a good sign. My biggest worry in all this has been that she would shut down the discussion. That's why I was so pleased that she allowed me to write back, instead of telling me to buzz off. As long as I can write, I can try to win her back to being friends again.

And sure enough, I got a reply to this letter here ... this time in e-mail, which means she is now trusting me with her e-mail address. It's progress.
 
Happy New Year. Thank you for your latest letter. And stop idealizing me.

I cringed when I read your letter's opening, about my generosity; I had a nightmare after I mailed my response, my subconscious reproving me for how grudging and ungracious I had been.

Back when you first got involved with Wife and I asked what she was like, you said that she was like me. Bear that in mind, please.

One part of your letter made me laugh out loud--page three, where you wrote of your father and Falstaff and being an actor. Because it's not true that you consistently rejected me, precisely; it's rather that I felt, rather consistently, that I was only acceptable to you (/that you would only accept me- depending on whether I was feeling deficient in myself or feeling that your implicit requirement might possibly be unreasonable) in one role alone: that of appreciative audience.

So nice to know that our metaphors coincide.

It sounds like you're busy processing things, about yourself and about your past; my own experience is that that can't be done solely through introspection, that it works better if you bounce things off other people. I hope that you are seeing a counselor or have a support group or something.

If you'd like to read some of my fanfic, I have some published on ....

I will, in the fullness of time, answer your letter more fully. In the meantime, Happy New Year.

Marie

That was last night. This morning I replied as follows:

Dear Marie,

Once again, a Happy New Year. I'll keep this short.

I didn't mean to idealize you, but I recognize that's something I have a problem with so I will watch it. (Not just with you, I mean.) On the other hand, if you were beating yourself up over that letter then stop. You had reasons for writing as you did, and it could have been harsher. I was worried it was going to be, which is why I was so glad that it wasn't.

It's been a long time and I no longer remember why I said that Wife was like you. I don't think that now. But saying that is just the tip of a large iceberg, so I'll save explanations for some other time in case you are ever interested.

As you say, so nice to know that our metaphors coincide. (smile)

Busy processing things? In a sense yes. But it's not like I have a plan or an agenda ... not like I sat down one day recently and decided to rethink my life. The things I wrote you are things I have come to see bit by bit over a lot of years: some through introspection and others in conversation. You are right that other people's feedback can be a great help.

Thank you for the pointer to your fan fiction. [There followed some remarks about the specific stories.]

Sorry, I said I'd keep this short. I look forward to hearing from you again.

All the best,
Hosea