When is it abuse?, 2

Another thought -- briefly, because it is late.

When I read the comments around Marie's story (the one about James Potter being an abusive husband), someone remarked that a female fan had commented to J. K. Rowling herself that James Potter seems a brutal bully, and Rowling answered with some remark like, "Don't tell me that means you don't like him. Come on -- you're a woman, I'm a woman, we both know better than that."

What does this mean? Does Rowling think all women like bullies, even if they say something different?

I don't know what Rowling thinks, but my first thought is of a distinction that I remember reading about on a website somewhere. (And remember -- if it's on the Internet, it must be true.) The author of this webpage -- a woman writing for other women -- argued that there are two fundamentally different kinds of men in the world:

• the men women marry
• the men with whom women have great sex

Anyway, the author said that these two kinds of men are emphatically not the same!

• The men that women marry are caring, compassionate, and responsible; they will help out with the children, hold down long-term jobs, and make a good place to live. They are also boring.
• The men with whom women have great sex are dashing, daring, dangerous, and exciting. But typically they are also unreliable, narcissistic, and violent. These are not guys who are going to show up for PTA meetings.

So what does this mean about James Potter? Is it possible that Rowling wrote him to be the kind of guy who would -- in real life -- end up beating his wife and children, just because she wanted to make him daring and dashing, and because she didn't have to worry about domesticating him? (After all, she knew he was going to die off soon.)

And why did I marry Wife? My own impression is that I'm one of the boring guys -- caring, compassionate, responsible and dull. But Wife? I have said in the past that I found her abusive. And God knows she could be unreliable, narcissistic, and violent. Did I marry her because she was exciting?

Yes. At least partly. There were a lot of factors that went into my marrying her, and some day I'll write down all the ones I can think of. But yes, that was one of them.

Maybe we are built to seek out those who end up abusing us. Kind of a depressing thought, no?