Wife wants to come to my family’s Christmas ... now!

Dear God, how did I let this happen?

It was just about a year ago that Wife emailed me saying she wanted to come to my family's Christmas celebration. [https://hoseasblog.blogspot.com/2018/12/wife-wants-to-come-to-my-familys.html] At the time I didn't try to dissuade her too hard because I assumed the idea would be a complete non-starter. But nobody in the family likes to make a fuss. People put up with shit rather than to rock the boat. So Wife was over at my mother's house one evening several months ago — she was in town for a doctor's appointment and couldn't drive all the way home yet that night — and apparently broached the issue. My mother apparently did not say "No" or at any rate didn't say it loudly enough. And so Wife decided she had an invitation and it was a done deal.

Son 2 flew back to town from college on Sunday. Since Son 1 is living in my apartment, there's not a lot of room for Son 2 as well, and so the two boys agreed that Son 2 would spend some time with Wife. So I drove him there Monday night. And while I was trying to make pleasant chit-chat as I dropped him off, Wife said something about "when we go to your mother's house for Christmas." 

"We"???

I asked her what she meant. She said she had been invited by my mother, and she was sure nobody had a problem with it. I hadn't voiced an objection a year ago. I told her this was news to me. Why hadn't I heard anything about it before? I don't remember what else I said. There must have been something. I got out of there as quickly as I could. I went straight home and started drinking. 

The next day I called my mother from work to ask her, "Did you invite Wife to Christmas?" Her answer right away was, "No! Umm ... why do you ask?" I explained. And that's when I got the story about a few months ago. But my mother also said she'd be willing to go along with any plans that made everybody happy. I told her I couldn't have Wife there, so I also undertook to tell Wife not to come. I sent her a short email to that effect, and then notified both boys that I had done so (because I knew she would take it out on them and I wanted to prepare them). 

Later that day, Son 2 called me. We had a long talk. First he tried to sell me on letting her come. Then he asked me why not. I explained that I wasn't trying to control her, but that I couldn't be around her. It was emotional self-defense on my part, pure and simple. So then he asked, well what if I visit my mother for December 25, and maybe 26 or 27, and then go home and Wife visits after that? "It's fine that you don't want to be around her, because honestly she doesn't want to be around you either." (Music to my ears.) I said that would be OK and we agreed to work out the details later. 

This evening I talked with Son 1. Even though he lives in my apartment, what with one thing and another we hadn't seen each other for several days. He explained that he had been really angry with me for the last 24 hours, because of the emotional firestorm that Wife had apparently unleashed. He said my note to them that I had told Wife not to come felt like I had pulled the pin on a live grenade and tossed it into their laps. I asked, "Why are you mad at me and not at your mom who is the one dumping all the fiery emotions on you?" He answered, "Oh I can be mad at more than one person at the same time, don't worry! There's plenty of anger on that side too. I can be mad at both Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un at the same time if I have to." I smiled and told him I was glad he could multitask. But then as we talked some more it developed that he wanted to know the same thing Son 2 had, namely Why? When I explained that I just couldn't be around her for Christmas, he relaxed. OK, that he could understand as a motive. His bottom line was that he wished, when I had told him and his brother that I had told Wife not to come, that I had added the words "because I just can't spend the holiday around her." He said that would have given the two of them more to work with in managing her. I replied that it never occurred to me that would be helpful to them, and so it was really easy for me to apologize for not having done so. That seemed to resolve that, and we started talking about dinner. 

But I think nobody understands how terrified I am of Wife. That's probably because I have never admitted it to anyone, never discussed how abusive she was, never clarified that in retrospect I now look back and call myself an abused spouse (though I never used that terminology at the time). The behaviors were all there: covering for her, making excuses, cleaning up the damage, and being afraid to come home from work every single night because I didn't know what I was going to face. But I never confided in anyone at the time — anyone! And so I assume that if I try to say something now people will just assume that I am lying to garner sympathy. I assume no one will believe me ... partly because I never said anything then, partly because Wife has probably prepared the ground with stories about how awful I am (so that any stories from either of us about the other will be written off), and partly for the same reason I never thought to use the term at the time: because the archetype of an abused spouse is a battered housewife. Wife's abuse of me was mostly non-physical (emotional, financial, social, but not physical) and of course I'm a man while she's a woman. How could she be the abuser? How could I be weak enough to let it happen?

That last one is easy. I've always been weak. But the rest of it? I don't have high hopes. And so I'll probably still not say anything.

God, but she scares me though. 

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