I don't want to move to Sticksville.
And I don't want to work for this new guy that I now work for.
A week or two ago, a guy from HR called me. There's a new boss in my department since the end of last year. He relocated to Sticksville (where most of the department is) to take it over. And HR Guy called me to say that it sounded like New Boss has been changing my job description. Did I know anything about this?
Well, yes, kind of. New Boss has made a number of remarks about the things I am especially good at, indicating that he thinks they are luxuries and not really something the company can afford right now. He has asked me to do other things -- tasks I don't know and have to learn -- which are the things he says we really need right now. And he has said he doesn't understand why Old Boss rated me so highly on everything in my annual reviews when to New Boss's eyes it looks like my past performance has been barely scraping by. And he thinks I'm overpaid, though he didn't quite use that word. So yes, I had some inkling of this.
HR Guy said we should make it all really clear, before I move clear across the country. So he nudged another HR associate to call a meeting, inviting HR Guy, New Boss, and me. New Boss prepared some PowerPoint slides showing how my job description will change, and how the requirements will change with it. Sure enough, the tasks that I'm best at have been downgraded to "Also..." status, while some new things that I would have to learn from scratch now take pride of place. There are some of the new job requirements that I flat out fail to meet. None of it was a surprise … not exactly … but it certainly collected all the bad news in one place.
We talked. I said thank you, and carefully avoided saying anything either for or against the new job description. Half an hour later, HR Guy called me again to ask what I thought. I told him none of it was much of a surprise. He said my tone in the meeting made him think I was looking for a way out. Since I didn't explicitly tell him he was right, he added that he was glad to learn that he had been wrong, and signed off.
Now I know that all my remarks during the call were very neutral, because I was speaking very carefully the whole time. I said the new job description "wasn't a surprise." Strictly speaking, that's not the same as saying that I liked it or accepted it. HR Guy jumped to the conclusion that it meant everything was fine, but only because he let himself be distracted by the careful irrelevance of my answer. So I think I know what HR Guy was reacting to; I also know that he doesn't know what triggered his foreboding, because if he had known he would have seen straight through my reply.
The reality, I'm pretty sure, is that he was not reacting to anything I said, but rather to one specific thing that I did not say. Never, in all these months from last August straight up to the present, have I said that I want to move to Sticksville. Not once.
Let me interrupt the story for a moment to point out that I can counter-argue every single thought here.
- It bothers me that New Boss is changing my job description and requirements to focus on things I'm not good at; it makes me feel like I'm being set up for failure. But you could also argue that I've gotten intellectually sedentary by doing the same damned things over and over again, and maybe it would do me good to have to learn some new skills.
- At an emotional level, I just don't trust New Boss. But you could also argue that I scarcely know him, and that I am overreacting to a bunch of little things instead of keeping my eye on the big picture and letting the little stuff slide.
- It makes me uncomfortable how seriously he reinterpreted my annual reviews to say that the goals which Old Boss agreed I'd achieved didn't count. In New Boss's eyes, only one of them rated "partly achieved" and the other two rated "nothing done." On the one hand, that indicates a pretty profound gap between how he sees the world and how I see it, and gaps like that can be problems for any working relationship. On the other hand, to fret over this feels a little bit like whining, "But Miss Jenkins always gave me an A, so why won't you?!"
It's true that I totally do not want to move to Sticksville. But early in my marriage to Wife we moved across the country to graduate school. We had each applied to two graduate schools, one in our home state and one across the country (the same two, to be clear). We agreed to go wherever we both got in, and in the end that meant the one on the other side of the country. Wife kicked and moaned and wept and stormed over "having" to move out-of-state. She had lived her whole life in the same state, and now it was like I had told her to enroll in the University of Hell. (To be clear, I got into both schools but she didn't. So going to this faraway school was the only way that she could a graduate program too, instead of -- say -- working to support me while I studied.) Once we got to the distant city -- which I loved -- she was chronically resentful. Every little bit of bad luck that we stumbled over was (in her mind) all the fault of our having moved to such a godforsaken town in a godforsaken state. And so when I recognize my own strong feelings against moving to Sticksville, I wonder if I am just being like Wife?
What do I do now? This meeting, and the new job description, are the opportunity if I want to change my mind: I can tell New Boss, "Sorry, dude, but now that you spell it out I really can't sign up for that." But I can't wait too long. So what do I say?
I discussed the situation with Marie on Wednesday. She was careful not to give advice, but she reflected back to me something about the tone of my voice. She said that when I talked about not moving, my voice sounded much more alive than when I talked about moving. And she suggested this might indicate something about what I really want. Sort of like John Eldredge's admonition, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
I discussed it with Debbie tonight. She, too, was careful not to give advice. But she did note a couple of things.
- First, she said that she had confidence in my ability to figure it out. That's great to hear. I only wish I felt the same confidence. 😀
- Second, after I told her that I feel one way but also argue myself out of it, she said that it is important for me to recognize and pay attention to my feelings.
- Third, when I suggested that maybe my antipathy to New Boss was just whining about little shit, she pointed out that little things can grow into big things; also that when you see things right at the beginning of any interpersonal relationship that disturb you, you should take notice. I replied that I had been thinking the exact same thing, with explicit reference to my marriage to Wife.
- When we were done with the call and signing off, Debbie straight up said "I love you." No quiet voice, no shyness. Just the complete reassurance of her love and support. I love you too Debbie. Always will.
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