This afternoon I ran across an article someone posted on Substack, … umm … two days ago, called, "My 8 Best Techniques for Evaluating Character." You can find it here.
Self-understanding. Well, there is that.
And that's what I want to use this article for: to see how I answer its questions when I'm talking about myself. To see what the article says about me.
In what follows, I'll quote from the article, and then intersperse my own comments (indented). (In many cases the author introduces paragraph breaks that I ignore for simplicity.)
1. Forget what they say—instead look at who they marry.
"This is a sure-fire technique, and it tells you important things about people you can’t learn any other way. A person’s choice of a spouse—or if they aren’t married, their closest lifelong partner—is much more revealing than anything they say or do in public. This choice tells you about their own innermost longings, expectations, and needs. It tells you what they think of themselves, and what they think they deserve in life (or will settle for). It is, I believe, the clearest indicator of priorities and values you will ever find."
I remember hearing something like this from D, one time when she was wondering why I ever married Wife. When she posed the question it had to do with physical attractiveness: she said that "it was well known" that spouses are usually about equally attractive, because attractive people can command more in the sexual marketplace and therefore win attractive mates. This leaves the less attractive mates to be paired with less attractive competitors. But she also told me she thought I was a lot more attractive than Wife, so what was going on here?
Of course her assessment of our relative attractiveness may have been distorted by our affair, which was still a thing at that time. But D was always an astute judge of attractiveness in either sex, so maybe not. In any event, she mused, it was clear that whatever she thought of my relative attractiveness, clearly I didn't agree with her or I would have held out for someone more attractive than Wife.
And I think that's what this article is saying. Look at Wife, and I guess I can also say look at Marie, and you can see what I think I deserve in life, what I need and what I will settle for. Neither one is physically attractive. Wife was emotionally abusive (and financially and the rest of it); I absolutely believe Marie could be emotionally abusive if I hadn't learned my lesson with Wife and if I therefore didn't regularly push her back and refuse to let myself get into a vulnerable space. Both of them are, in some sense of the word, broken; and I have wondered from time to time why I feel such an attraction for broken women. I'm not sure I know why, but it's surely there.
I've said before that I used to joke to myself I had married Wife "as punishment for my sins." So … what I deserve? Probably.
2. See how they treat service workers
"People reveal their true natures when they deal with others who have no power and can never return a favor. They feel immune and free of all consequences—so they let it rip. Their true self comes to the forefront."
During my very first date with D, she said she watched me closely as I checked into the hotel, for exactly this reason—and also because Wife always made people around her feel embarrassed and uncomfortable. When she told me this, it was by way of telling me that I had been gracious, kind, and courteous. Had I? I wasn't aware of doing anything special. Maybe that's the author's point.
3. Discover what experiences formed their character in early life.
"This is [a story about a CEO who] … interviewed me for a project, and we later became quite close. … He started by asking me about my earliest experiences—entirely focused on what I did before reaching the age of twenty. I thought this was just small talk, and eventually he would change the subject in order to inquire about my qualifications and plans for the project. But he never changed the subject. We spoke for more than one hour, and solely about my childhood, my teenage years, and how I grew to adulthood. Later he explained … that people’s character and ability to handle challenges are almost entirely formed during the first two decades of their life. It’s an unusual case, he said, for people to change in any substantive way after that point—not impossible, but very rare. So those early years were always the focal point for his inquiries."
Umm … this is something I haven't thought a lot about. We moved a lot when I was a little kid, so I had to get used to fitting in with new people on a regular basis. I got a certain amount of bullying because I was small and young and ostentatiously smart. My home life was basically happy, but there were times that my (normally cheerful) relationship with my father made me squirm. I'm not sure what all this adds up to.
Or wait. If I think about my "challenges" at an early age, I should mention that I ran cross-country in high school for three years. To be clear, I was never very fast. But I wanted to run to get in better shape, and the coach (bless him!) was willing to have me tag along, provided that I gave it my all. So I did. The very first day I showed up, he sent the Varsity runners out on an 8-mile run; he sent the Junior Varsity runners on something shorter (maybe five miles); and he set me to run around the track until I had completed two miles. As I started off, he called after me, "Go slower!" His point was for me to run at a speed that was slow enough that I could actually complete the two miles. Well, I completed them. But it was really tough.
Over time I got better, of course. I really did get in better shape, at least as long as I kept running. (Not today, though.) But what was really important for me was to develop a sense of endurance for the long term. Years later, when I was confronting the disaster that my marriage had become, I often reminded myself of those three years running cross-country. I told myself, "You endured those long runs back then, so you can endure this now. It was painful back then, every muscle in your body was screaming, and nonetheless you kept at it—plodding steadily forward until you finished the run. And if you could do that back then, you can do this today. Just hang in there. Keep your eye on the long term. And just keep running."
I guess I never told that story here before now, did I? I haven't thought about it for years. But there were many years during my marriage when I held on tight to the memory that I had succeeded in running cross-country—even (at the end) in running one of those eight-mile routes!—and if I could do that back then, well surely I could do this now. It helped.
4. How do they invest their two most valuable resources?
"I write articles and books, but the two most revealing documents about me are my calendar and monthly budget. … Those reveal what a person is really all about."
You've heard me complain that I'm not good with time. Now that I don't have a full-time job, I piss away too much of my time on the Internet. As for money, I still live in a dinky apartment; but I buy books and I travel, so there's that. I buy food and liquor. I also talk about my sometimes (especially formerly) anxious and strained relationship with money in a little more detail here, here, and here. (The anxiety and strain related to the "What do you deserve?" discussion in point 1 above.)
5. Identify what irritates people the most in others—because this is probably the trait they dislike most in themselves.
"This is another instance in which people reveal things about themselves unintentionally. And I’ve seen it so often that it’s uncanny. The flaw people hate most in others is usually their own greatest weakness."
I've heard this before. And off the cuff I don't know what flaw irritates me most in others. I don't get nearly as mad as I used to get, so I don't have any recent blow-ups to use for reference. Maybe it could be the inability to listen, or to hear other people. That was the straw that made me finally decide the marriage was unsalvageable. And that brings us to …
6. Can they listen?
"When you encounter people in any kind of setting, from professional to social, they can choose to (1) talk, (2) listen, or (3) do neither. I have far more confidence in group 1 than 3, but group 2 is the rarest—I’ve met few great listeners in my entire life. But they are some of the most effective individuals I’ve ever encountered."
Years ago, I wasn't very good at this. Ask Marie: she'll tell you all about how frustrating it was to try to communicate with me back in the day. But this is an area where—over the long years I was married to Wife—I got better. (Or "had to learn to get better" … take your pick.) When Marie and I got back together seven years ago, one of the things she remarked on was that I was better at listening, and at difficult conversations. For that matter, I remember back when I was first getting involved with Debbie (this might have been back even before we first fucked) that after one long and delicate conversation she said, "Oh my gosh, Hosea, you are so good at listening to me! You could teach classes on the Fourth Mindfulness Training."*
Maybe all this means is that I'm good at listening to you if I want you in bed. But I hope it's broader and more general than that.
7. If they cheat at small things, they will cheat at big things.
" … if someone will break the rules for something as unimportant as a game, what will they do when higher stakes are involved?"
Oh my heavens. This one. You've heard me talk about this before, in almost exactly the same words. See, for example, here, here, and here. And what can I say? Even if I played golf I wouldn't surreptitiously move the ball. Sheesh, I'm fine with losing. I'm not quite that careful (about attribution and intellectual property) when it comes to downloading photos off the Internet that I then use to decorate this blog, so I have no excuse for any self-righteous pride over my own fastidiousness. But cheating to get ahead is just pathetic.
8. Watch how they handle unexpected problems.
"I heard of a peculiar technique used by a company hiring a senior executive. In the final round of interviews, the candidates are taken to lunch, and during the meal something goes wrong. … The purpose is to see how the candidate handles the situation. You fail the test if you over-react (for example, causing a scene yourself) or under-react (e.g., just letting things get out of control with no response)."
I would probably fail the test by under-reacting. In fact, once (almost 20 years ago, by now) I was sent to a week-long management training event, and one of the exercises was to pretend you were the manager having a "difficult discussion" with an employee who goes off on you. Later I was told that I needed to be more assertive and cut off the conversation before the "employee" got control of it. But in the moment it felt exactly like one of the many times Wife came unglued, and I was strategizing internally how to de-escalate. I just didn't think to use any of the authority that a boss would use.
On the other hand, this is essentially the same kind of test that this story provided for Marie. And she said she was glad I didn't over-react. So there's that.
So, does this tell you anything about me that you didn't already know? With all those links to previous posts, maybe not. Still, feel free to let me know.
__________
* You remember that Debbie is a Buddhist in the lineage of Thich Nhat Hanh. The Five Mindfulness Trainings are Thich Nhat Hanh's interpretations of the most basic Buddhist precepts. In particular, the Fourth Mindfulness Training reads as follows:
Loving Speech and Deep Listening
Aware of the suffering caused by unmindful speech and the inability to listen to others, I am committed to cultivating loving speech and compassionate listening in order to relieve suffering and to promote reconciliation and peace in myself and among other people, ethnic and religious groups, and nations. Knowing that words can create happiness or suffering, I am committed to speaking truthfully using words that inspire confidence, joy, and hope. When anger is manifesting in me, I am determined not to speak. I will practice mindful breathing and walking in order to recognize and to look deeply into my anger. I know that the roots of anger can be found in my wrong perceptions and lack of understanding of the suffering in myself and in the other person. I will speak and listen in a way that can help myself and the other person to transform suffering and see the way out of difficult situations. I am determined not to spread news that I do not know to be certain and not to utter words that can cause division or discord. I will practice Right Diligence to nourish my capacity for understanding, love, joy, and inclusiveness, and gradually transform anger, violence, and fear that lie deep in my consciousness.
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