Schmidt and the Hired Hand

I have one more story left over from my time this spring at the Schmidts. I've got the notes right here, and I keep planning to just sit down and type them, but ... well ... you know.

The story is about a former friend of Schmidt's, now dead. Because he worked for the Schmidts for a while, I'll call him the Hired Hand (or Hand, for short). I think Schmidt showed me a photo of him, but I don't remember what he looked like. Big and gregarious. Beyond that, I forget.

I don't know if Schmidt remembers this, but I remember once, many years ago, getting a letter from Schmidt where he talked about Hand. He said that in Hand he had finally found someone he could settle down with for the rest of his life—except for the awkward fact that Hand was romantically interested only in girls, not guys. To be clear, Schmidt said nothing directly about his own preferences in "plumbing." Wife claimed that Schmidt told her he was gay, and once upon a time I believed her. (See, e.g., the brief reference here.) Now I'm not so sure.*

What did Schmidt find so enticing about Hand? When we talked during my most recent visit, Schmidt said that he thinks Hand was probably bipolar (though never diagnosed). When I remarked that Wife was probably bipolar, and that her highs could often be delightfully charming, Schmidt agreed with the principle.

Anyway, Schmidt says that Hand was probably an undiagnosed bipolar, who self-medicated with "alcohol, methamphetamine, and bimbos in heat." But then he went on to explain that Hand was diagnosed with pre-cancerous polyps in his colon when he was in his early twenties. All the treatment options were terrible, so Hand just decided to live with them as long as he could—and then die. Since he had no idea how long he had to live, Hand never worried about the long term. He lived for today: fucking and drinking and toking like there was no tomorrow, ... because there might not be. (He took this to the extent of driving drunk, and was incarcerated for it several times.) Schmidt says that he wouldn't have made the same decisions Hand made, but he can understand why Hand made them. In a quick formula, Hand was reckless but not crazy.

The other thing Schmidt said about Hand is that he should have been born as a Labrador retriever. Hand was very friendly, winning, charming, and cheerful—also a good builder and contractor. Except for the building and contracting, these are all virtues that make Labradors so adorable. Plus, Schmidt added with a half-smile, if Hand had been born as a Labrador, he would have been neutered at an early age. He went on to say that this would undoubtedly have made Hand's life more manageable. 

In a nutshell, then, Hand was friendly, winning, charming, and cheerful. He was totally incapable of managing his own life, or his addictions, or his libido. And I think Schmidt still misses him. 

__________

* I see several possibilities here.

• Schmidt really did tell Wife he was gay, because he was.
• Schmidt told Wife he was gay because maybe she propositioned him, and he figured it was gentler to lie than to tell her outright that he thought she was disgusting. (I have no particular reason to think that she ever propositioned him, but I wouldn't put it past her. As for "disgusting," well, if he ever thought that it might have been either a physical judgement or a moral one. Physical: Wife was fat for much of her life, and Schmidt prefers thin, trim builds. Moral: she was his best friend's wife, for Pete's sake!)
• Schmidt never said anything of the kind, but Wife made it up for reasons unknown (the way she made up a lot of other stuff).

The reason I'm no longer "so sure" is twofold. 

• Schmidt remarked while I was there that he had never found someone to settle down with and have kids (so he's got no children who can inherit the land or the silversmithing business when he dies), and he said it in a way that suggests it might have been a realistic possibility but just never came to pass. Yes of course that might have been a cover story; but if he had told Wife he was gay years before then presumably he would have expected her to tell me. So why would he need a cover story?
• Over the decades I have come to suspect that sexuality is a lot more fluid and ill-defined than we normally give it credit for. So I think it's entirely possible that Schmidt might even have thought he was gay at one point (based on a strong emotional reaction to Hand, for instance), and then might have changed his mind later. 

All of this is speculation, and in the end it hardly matters.