An airport is as good as a cave

I know I have promised to write a couple of different posts, and I still will, but this is just in. Yesterday I e-mailed D, Wife's best friend, to tell her some of my concerns about the situation between Wife and Boyfriend 5, and her reply shed a whole new light on it. I will have to think about this for a while, actually, because she points out that this romance may be meeting needs for Wife that I never guessed at. Both e-mails are long, so I will try to edit them a bit.

Yesterday, I sent the following e-mail to D:

Dear [D],

I have wanted to reply to your e-mail below for ... well, I guess it has been over a month since you sent it ... but I have never been quite sure how to get under way. I keep being sure I am going to go off the rails somewhere. But let me give it a try.

I'm glad to know we agree about the transforming power of truth, .... In this spirit, I have recommended "Speaker for the Dead" to [Wife] ... partly because it is a fine book in its own right, and partly because the question of honesty and truthfulness is one that she and I have struggled with for twenty years or more.

During that time, I have tried to communicate ... [all the stuff that I say in “On lying”].

In practical terms, [Wife] does not appear to agree with me. I don't know if she agrees at a theoretical level. But the blunt fact is that she doesn't live as if she agreed....

I've been thinking about the issue lately because of [Wife]'s ongoing (long-distance) love affair with [Boyfriend 5]....

What bugs me about the romance with [Boyfriend 5] is that ... I have strong reasons to believe that [Boyfriend 5] is lying to her.... And I think that at some level [Wife] even recognizes this fact and doesn't want to know it.... I fear that she may be walling herself into a fantasy world that has less and less connection to reality. But to her ears, this sounds like I am being jealous and controlling and interfering. And so it just drives her farther away....

Just as a point of reference, [Boyfriend 5] is the same fellow who asked her for money last summer. Do you remember when you were visiting us, that we had a long conversation over the advisability of paying other people's bills for them? This is the same guy. That wasn't the first thing that made my ears perk up, but it was a big one.

Since then, I have accumulated a certain amount of data that makes it look clear to me he has lied to her about living in [the Old Country]. I can almost prove that he lives in [the Midwest]. Now he has told [Wife] that he frequently travels to [the Midwest] on business, but that's not what I mean. I believe -- and can almost prove -- that he out-and-out lives there. That would mean, in turn, that the whole story about [the Old Country] is nothing but a story. And if something that basic turns out to be false, I would ask how she can trust anything else that he says, period.

I might be wrong.... For this reason, when [Wife] talked tentatively several months ago about maybe flying to [the Old Country] to visit [Boyfriend 5], I didn't object.... After all, that would be one way to prove conclusively that he really exists, and that he really lives there....

The only caution from my side was that I didn't want to pay for the ticket (or spend my Frequent Flyer Miles on it). Here is my line of thought:

• If [Boyfriend 5] is who he says, and if he really lives in [the Old Country], and if he really loves [Wife] to the ends of the earth (like he says), then he would be willing to pay for her trip if it were at all possible.
• If [Boyfriend 5] is NOT who he says, and if he really lives in [the Midwest], he might play along with the idea of a trip but he will try to discourage her when the time comes (because a trip to [the Old Country] would prove him a liar).
• If [Boyfriend 5] is NOT who he says, and if he really lives in [the Midwest], AND IF [Wife] insists on making the trip anyway, he might play along and even let her fly out there ... but then she would just be stranded at the [Foreign City] airport with nobody to meet her. And he might be willing to let that happen. But I assume that he would NOT be willing to do that if he also paid for the ticket.
• Therefore, if [Boyfriend 5] paid for her ticket to [the Old Country], I would have a strong reason to believe he was genuine ... and, of course, that would be confirmed when [Wife] met him in person. If he refuses to pay for the ticket, it might mean just that he cannot possibly scrape together the money ... but it also encourages my suspicions that he is a charlatan or a shyster, and that he is playing with [Wife]'s affections either for his own amusement or so that he can use her.

Of course I am not happy that she so obviously prefers him to me; nobody would be. But I really, really hope I am wrong about him. I would far rather that [Boyfriend 5] be a rival or even a threat -- but genuine! -- than that he be a shyster who is just using [Wife] or toying with her. But so far I have not seen any evidence to prove that I am wrong. And this disturbs me.

One thought is that it might be simpler for me just to show her the data I have about where he actually lives, .... But I can't rule out the possibility that the facts could be stretched in such a way that they look like they mean something else .... [And in general, Wife will extend the most outrageous benefit of the doubt to a boyfriend because she wants so badly to believe him.]

An example: one day [Wife] was IM-ing with [Boyfriend 5], and he mentioned being in [the Old Country]. About an hour or two later, he let it casually drop that he was in [the Midwest]. [Wife] picked up on the discrepancy immediately and asked him to explain it. After all, even if he had business reasons to travel to [the Midwest], no aircraft travels that fast. [Boyfriend 5]'s answer was that he and his father are accomplished magicians, and so he teleported.

Can I PROVE this is false? No, strictly speaking I suppose that I can't.... [But] I think any reasonable listener who heard that explanation would guffaw, .... And [Wife] accepts it.... As near as I can tell, the logic goes like this:

1. It makes sense that [Boyfriend 5] can teleport, because after all he is a powerful magician.
2. I know that [Boyfriend 5] is a powerful magician because he tells me he can teleport.

[D], I remember when [Wife] would have poured bitter scorn on an argument as feeble as that. So do you. And it breaks my heart to see her taking it seriously now. The only way I can explain it is to conclude that [Wife] has been devoting a lot of energy to telling herself that this makes sense, because she wants so badly for it to be true. But that means she is lying to herself. Or maybe it is just that the constant effort to keep up a facade for my benefit means that she can no longer tell the difference between what is plausible and what is absurd.

So at one level, I hope "Speaker for the Dead" will be a salutary corrective, encouraging her to start telling the truth to HERSELF and therefore to those around her. Then I look at where she seems to be with [Boyfriend 5], and I wonder if it is already too late. I hope and pray that it is not....

I love [Wife] deeply and always have; but at this point I am very concerned for her.

Love as always,

[Hosea]

Late the same evening, D replied to me as follows:

Dearest [Hosea],

I can only imagine the courage it took you to confide in me, .... I hope I can be the friend you trust me to be. I will start by being honest...not always the same as being true, but you have forced me to make the uncomfortable distinction....

[Hosea], I offered [Wife] my sister's frequent flyer miles to go see [Boyfriend 5] in [the Old Country] if she thought it best. She does not know, of course, that I have now told you, and I will not tell her. I would ask that you let her tell you about her proposed trip ... [which] she has not yet firmly scheduled. I asked her today if she had told you of her plans; she sighed and said she had not. She promises me that she will return to America, but acknowledges that it will be difficult. I already know that, as do you. I will not deny her love for [Boyfriend 5], although for very different reasons, I find the drama in his life more fictional than believable. Is he a terrorist living in [the Old Country] and visiting condemned prisoners for eighteen hours during a prison riot? I have no evidence either way, but my experience, however limited ... suggests that such a situation is highly unlikely. I cannot know for sure, but I am not without resources and reason.

Reason will not serve me now...and my deepest fear is that you will not understand that everything I say below is said with love and support for you. But [Hosea], I have long felt that [Wife] does not know you. And perhaps honesty, the honesty Card writes about and you crave, is not possible without genuine knowledge, without love. It is not a matter of [Wife] superficially knowing what you have done or left undone or said or not said, it is something far deeper and perhaps beyond words. It is that sense you get when you are at exactly the right place to glimpse what a person truly can be, the laughter and song and sheer energy that lies at the core of a person and reveals who they really are when everything false has been stripped away. That -completely unexpected- view of you came to me several years ago one morning when you were discussing the Greeks, and I suddenly saw you...as though I had never seen you before. I was frankly astonished. I have known [Wife] for nearly twenty years, and I certainly know about her relationships...but not about /you/. I should hasten to remind you that I am well aware of your complexity and struggles; there were some dark times. [J], my son, remembers your anger and fury during the long days of isolation and unemployment. Yet when I saw you this summer, it was clear that you have tasted happiness somewhere ....

The possibility that [Boyfriend 5] lives in [the Midwest] is surprising, but after the financial discussion we had at dinner and your careful investigation, I have every reason to believe you may be right. And yet, perhaps the truth is besides the point. You may want to solve the mystery, but mystery and intrigue are exactly what [Wife] desires. You cannot tell her what is real because that would be unbearable. Surely you realize that her escapism, her belief in magic, stem from her desire to somehow defeat her despair and fear of a premature and painful demise that daily haunt her. You cannot break that spell or in any way soften or postpone her eventual reckoning with death. If you cannot do it by love, surely you know that honesty, however well meant, will not resolve the problem. You are right when you assert that lies do not simply distort and damage those who listen to false words and experience deception, but they also deeply wound the innermost being. In addition, Scripture says that lies and deceit also transform our relationship with God and with the natural world. Such a fall from grace is beyond your ability to prevent or remedy. Sometimes I think that all we can do is stay awake and watch with compassion and understanding, deeply feeling the personal rejection and confusion without turning away or leaving when those we love act in ways that are clearly destructive. My guess is that you knew, on some level, how hurt and betrayed [Wife] has been since earliest childhood when you married her, and you decided to defy the odds. That ... [might be] admirable, but it doesn't promise success. I have always seen a large measure of Greek tragedy in your relationship with your wife, and with all the sound and fury....what is truly valuable, of course, is the still, small voice. A [Foreign City] airport is as good as a cave, and I have to believe-and do believe- that she is not as alone as she fears.

I have to get up at 2:00am and write lessons. Energy, fortunately, is still abundant, although I would love to be clever enough to truly do my job well and allow my students the success they want. I will write again soon. Please forgive me if I have said anything hurtful or unkind; I would do almost anything to avoid either. My love for you is constant, my compassion and support yours forever. Take care; Godspeed.

Love,
[D]

I have to admit that D raised points I had not thought about. I have been prepared to believe that Wife wants romance, that we have communication problems, that she feels unappreciated or belittled (although I don't mean her to), and so on. In the past, when she has been involved in a physical romance with somebody, I have been prepared to believe that it was about the fucking. But that she would actively seek "mystery and intrigue" -- regardless of whether any of it was even true! -- as a medication for her physical pain and relentless depression ... this honestly had never occurred to me. I am going to have to think about it a lot more.

And I owe D a reply.