Counseling 23 and 24

During our session with Counselor two weeks ago, we spent the time deconstructing an argument from the previous night over a big professional photo which Wife had bought of the family. This photo was and is important to Wife; I didn't want it in the house. Counselor asked me to talk about why I felt so strongly about it (and whether I thought there was room to negotiate with Wife on the subject) ... and I was really too embarrassed by even discussing the subject to get very far (much the same way that I am embarrassed by the photo in the first place). One highlight: I commented that I wasn't even that interested in negotiating the point because I took it for granted that I would lose and Wife would get her way. Wife said that makes no sense, because the night before I was adamant about not wanting the photo hanging in the house. I said, "That's right. I absolutely don't want it. I also take it for granted that I won't get what I want on this point." This baffled Wife; because, in her view of things, when I say "I want X" that means "X has been decided conclusively." (Needless to say we have different memories about how past arguments have turned out.) Anyway, so this was just incomprehensible to Wife and Counselor tried to discuss it for a bit.


Then last week, Counselor highlighted another circular dynamic between us: something happens --> Wife feels controlled --> she defends herself --> I feel like she is blaming me for controlling her --> I defend myself --> Wife feels even more controlled --> ... and so on.

And for what must be the hundredth time, he urged us to look at our interaction as if each of us were watching a (different) movie: so what shows up on Wife's movie screen really is real for her (because it is part of her movie) regardless of whether it shows up in my movie at all, or how. And vice versa. He urged us to name how we are feeling without connecting it to a broader story, so that (for example) I might say, "I'm really feeling blamed right now" if I am. And he asked if this seemed valuable.

I had to say no, I couldn't see the point. Oh sure, theoretically it makes loads of sense. But practically speaking I have a very strong expectation that if I tell Wife "I'm feeling blamed right now" her answer will be "No, I'm just defending myself against you because you are being so controlling and dominating." (In other words, "Yes, that's right, I'm blaming you.") And where is the profit in that?

Besides, I added, it is ironic that we are even talking about my hyper-controlling Wife about the laundry or whatever, since I have basically disconnected emotionally from all of that stuff. I no longer ask her about any of that but once in a blue moon. I have shut down caring about it. Let her do whatever she wants, let it be however it will be; I'm not going there. And I haven't been, for a long time now. True to form, Wife was able to fish out some really inflammatory things I had said in the last couple of weeks. And when she quoted them, yes I remembered saying them. But I also remembered that each of them had reference to a very specific context, in which alone it made sense. Deprived of context, so that this or that remark is no longer a comment on this specific thing but just a free-floating insult? Meaningless. I didn't bother saying any of this in Counselor's office, though, because he has made it clear long since that clearing one's name against one or another accusation is not the point of counseling. (I don't mean that he is insensitive. But he points out rightly that the cycle of incrimination and self-justification can go on for years -- has, in fact -- without getting anywhere. So let's not waste time on that in his office.)

So by the end of the session I have to admit I felt pretty apathetic and hopeless.

When I described this session to D afterwards, I added that I know this hopelessness is all wrong. Surely, whatever else it is or means, one promise of Easter (or of the Spring Equinox, if you prefer) is that we can always hope. So, I told her, my mind knows better and in a while I'll shake it off. I can't stay feeling this way for long, just because I never do. Somebody tells a joke or I get another cup of coffee, and it passes.

And it did.