D felt much better today. All the anger and hurt from yesterday had dissipated, and what was left was a reflective and loving calm. I shouldn't be surprised, because it only makes sense that this is going to go in cycles, at any rate as long as the whole divorce process is under way. Probably longer.
And cycles were on her mind. After a long day of work, she wrote me in part: "I suppose what I am [mulling] is just the sheer creative energy it takes to love well. If love is creative, it isn't a continuous state, .... All creative energy has winters and summers, planting and harvesting, with time in between for growth. I feel guilty at times for my jealous feelings, my possessiveness, even though every part of my intellect knows that there is no reason for either. The literal coming and going which is unavoidably our lot reminds me of Martin Buber, who once said, "love is like a light breath, at times like a wrestling match." (You have I and Thou on your bookshelf in the study; you might want to re-read it.) [I suppose I should let her know I haven't read it even once. sigh.] He used the word 'meeting' to identify true encounter, and the word has a lovely sense of movement, a dance, advancing and receding. This morning, I spent hours on my work, only to turn and meet you again this afternoon [in e-mail]. Both can be wonderful; certainly both are necessary."
And so ends another day ....
Thank you for both postings, I love the contrast.
ReplyDeleteI am always touched when you talk about D's situation because, though there are many differences, the similarities with my own situation are notable. Married 30 years, now separated. Living alone in an apartment. Kids in college. And so on.
And then when she talks about not knowing how to do taxes and so forth, it is as if my own wife E were speaking and I feel her fear and disorientation.
One difference is that we still have not decided whether to divorce.
Another is that I really don't have a lover to confide in (but I do have a blog :).
And another is that E and I almost never argue. Odd, perhaps.