Dearest Hosea,
My husband showed up on my doorstep this morning, with a new computer monitor and keyboard. [Remember that D lives is another town from her husband, because it is close to her work. Her husband does all of her IT work for her because it frankly baffles D.] You and I may think surprises are problematic; my husband seems not to suffer from the same dislike. He went through my files with a fine tooth comb; he discovered your photos, and a couple of passionate letters; one about Cavafy and one discussing Martha Nussbaum. Both must have been written when I reverted to writing [my e-mails as] Word documents [and then copying them into mail] after something went wrong on the internet account. They were fairly well hidden, but he opened them anyway. He was here for nine hours; you can well imagine everything he found. He discovered my secret e-mail account and tried to delete it, but did not; I protested too much. He did not get into the account; he needed the password, and I refused to give it to him. However, there is no question in my mind that he knows about our relationship. Hosea, it is impossible to think he does not know we are lovers.
At the end of the day, I have a new computer set-up, including a new printer (paid for on my card; the old one would not plug into my little computer). Everything is sorted and filed and organized; I'm left nerveless and not knowing what to do or think. He never said a word, never paused, never commented on any of it, including your pictures or my letters that began "Dearest, beloved Hosea...". I don't know what to think. Does he not care as long as the status quo is maintained? Does he plan to use this information in some way? Is he stunned and does he need time to process it? I have no idea. Our time together was relaxed, outside the few times he was frustrated with my technical incompetence, which is understandable and usually deserved. Hosea, I don't know. I just don't know. But our affair is no longer secret, that much I comprehend. What that means for the future, for us, I have no idea. Like yourself, I find it difficult to predict the future. But I am filled with apprehension and I'm not sure what I would say if confronted. Ideas are welcome.
Let's take a collective breath, and remind ourselves that this was inevitable. We need to think about what steps we should take to maintain our freedom, and yet still give me the opportunity to love you when the fall-out becomes difficult. What will he tell the children? My adult daughter warned me that my love for you could harm innocent people needlessly; I know that is true, but today's situation was out of my control. There is a message in here somewhere....
My dearest darling, I wish you were here to hold me and tell me that you love me. Thank you for saying the same so often in your last letter; I couldn't help but feel your warm arms around me and see your tender smile. Whatever the future brings, I have no regrets loving you; I only wish I could be with you more often. Somewhat like the hero in Babylon 5, I think we have twenty years together. And ever after, one of us will watch the sun come up every day, thinking of our love ....
I love you, now and forever,
D
A rather precarious position for her. I don't envy it, but the reality of it being possible for many of us is all to real.
ReplyDeleteI hope this works out for both of you. The bond appears very much worth it.
CW
beautiful, sweet letter. For most of us, discovery is part of what we crave. It relieves us of the responsibility to inform our mates directly. And sometimes they are foolish enough to take such action as we have only dreamt.
ReplyDeleteWas it really out of her control?
ReplyDeleteIs her husband someone you know who could use this information to affect your life?
CW -- It is precarious, although D tells me that her husband hasn't said a word about it since then. So she is prepared to be fatalistic about the whole thing: whatever happens, happens, and then it is up to her to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteApollo -- I'm not sure I would say that D craved discovery, although you are absolutely right that it is a beautiful, sweet letter. On the other hand, she has felt all along during our affair like she has been wronging a man whom she respects as decent, honest, a fine human being, an excellent father, ... and until the last five years or so a very good husband. So maybe if he knows and doesn't blow up, she'll be able to interpret that as tacit acceptance ...? As I mentioned, he has said nothing so far, at any rate.
Kyra -- I have met him a few times (over the last twenty years) and I like him. He is a nice guy: very friendly, very outgoing, very willing to make friends with you even if he has just met you. And D tells me that on the whole he likes me. She's not worried about him doing anything horrible to me ... her big worry is about how badly she thinks she'll hurt him, when she thinks so well of him that it would pain her deeply to do so.
Why then, you might ask, is she cheating on him? Well, ... he has let himself go to the point where she is totally unable to be attracted to him any more; and it is unclear to me whether he can still respond sexually. His life is completely sedentary and he eats all wrong, and the result is that he now cannot even climb a flight of stairs to the second storey of their house without stopping on the landing to catch his breath. And D is totally incapable of being attracted or responsing to him. She has berated herself for being shallow, she has pleaded with him to take better care of himself -- both for his own sake and so that they can have sex again. And it's no go. She can't make herself find him attractive, and she can't persuade him to change how he lives. So the result is that they have no sex.
And honestly, D is simply not built to live a life without sex. Think "Michael Phelps without water," or "Secretariat without racing." The concept is an absolute non-starter.
I better add a bit of clarification, because I realize that this story may hit a nerve. It is true that physical attractiveness matters very, very much to D. It is true that even she fears this is shallow, but she can't get past it. On the other hand, we are not talking about needing to lose a pound or two. Kyra, dear heart, I am reasonably sure that I weigh more than you do, and D still finds me attractive. So while I don't know the numbers, all I can conclude is that her husband must weigh far more even than that.
Hosea, I take no issue with her reasons for wanting a divorce. I am also not attracted to my husband (for different reasons.) But even a physical issue is understandable. I don't assume her instantly shallow. And whether my husband is in comparison or not also doesn't matter.
ReplyDeleteIn fact, as I enter the world of Ashley Madison I have found that I easily discard the 'few extra pounds' guys even though my own profile says I am that (and that might be generous some days.)
My issue is twofold (and forgive me but too much wine makes me speak my mind):
1) She claims this was outside her control and has reasons why she did the things that got her caught. It was, in fact, totally in control and she has put you at risk. I don't hear remorse on her part for that possibility. If he knows you he knows how to reach your wife. He could reveal this and that would not be good for you. I think she wants to be caught. And I don't think she would mind you being caught.
2) She wants a divorce. And while I have often thought you slightly insane for it, you never really did until you started your affair with her. You were willing to accept your wife for all time. And very little has changed with her that you wouldn't have expected. And so it is you who have changed. And while personally I might agree with your decision in that matter, I think D has manipulated you toward it. And that worries me for you personally. Any relationship you might have with her post-divorce will be tricky. And will only work with complete and total honest about feelings, thoughts and motives. I don't trust hers. I think she doesn't want to be alone. And hell, I don't blame her.
Oh and I'll just add one other. And you can roast me for it, I'm ready. She's pretentious and I've never cared for that.
So sorry to be so blunt. The nerve struck was nothing to do with weight. It was about you being her exit strategy and her wanting to be yours. Tread lightly, friend. I think she is not to be trusted. Shit, I can't believe I'm saying all of this and yet I'm gonna hit submit.
Hugs and all that, K
My darling Kyra, you must know that this is the kind of comment I absolutely love: it is long and detailed, and it makes me think. On the other hand, my last comment was almost the length of a short post; so at this point I figure I'll just go ahead and write a regular post to follow up from here. Naturally some of these issues are things I have been thinking about anyway, so it is totally fair to ask about them. Don't touch that dial, ... we'll be back with a new post after these words from our sponsor.
ReplyDelete