I have been reading more of Judith Wallerstein's What About the Kids? and have honestly found it kind of raining on my parade. One chapter is entitled something like "When is the best time to divorce?" [I may not have quoted that quite right ... I left the book at work this evening rather than risk bringing it home.] Anyway, she is non-committal about the best time, but pretty clearly says that the worst time (or one of them) is when your kids are pre-adolescents: 11, 12, 13 years old. In fact, she goes on to say that of course most people don't get to choose when to divorce: it is forced on them by circumstances, or by the other spouse, or whatever. But if your divorce is more or less optional -- or at any rate, if you have any say over when it happens -- and if your kids are in this age bracket, then maybe you should consider staying together "for the sake of the kids" for at least a few years.
Both boys are more or less in this age bracket, so naturally I was struck by this point.
I have spent the rest of the day mulling. Am I doing something fundamentally wrong or selfish by pursuing a divorce at this time? Will I ruin the lives of my children? It's a great way to spend an afternoon, let me tell you.
So tonight, once everybody was in bed and I had written my nightly letter to D, I went out for a walk. I wanted to mull some more: which choice is right? You could call it thought or prayer, I'm not even sure which it really was. But I wanted to know.
What I found is that I can imagine a dozen scenes involving a divorce; but I cannot for the life of me imagine what it would look like to stay married. I tried to imagine those scenes, and came up with literally nothing.
Does this prove or settle anything? Maybe not. It does seem to show that the divorce is already complete in my mind, but by itself it says nothing about what to do next.
But then I remembered this line that John Eldredge loves to quote (in, e.g., Wild at Heart): "Don't ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive, and go do that, because what the world needs is people who have come alive."
By that criterion, it's easy ....
Having come from a very disfunctional family, I feel very strongly that staying for the kids sake is not always what is best for them. Especially, as a young teen, they are learning from you and your (crazy) wife how to be a grown up; how a marriage looks; how to treat girls/women, etc. They will model what they've seen.
ReplyDeleteIt took me many years to get past the example my parents gave me of marriage and almost cost me my marriage.
Sign me Better Late Than Never. . .
That post is really timely because I've been having a tough patch. For my part, I can't formulate a picture of the future that works for me. And I also feel the clock ticking, but feel like my kids are way too young to be stuck with divorced parents... but by the time the youngest is "old enough", the oldest will be a pre-teen.
ReplyDeleteI think that in the end, there is never a good time. All you can hope for is a good result.
There is no good or best time.
ReplyDeleteI think that yopu need to move on.
The Eldredge quote is beautiful, and I think the other commentors also have very good insights.
ReplyDeleteAnd of course there's "I find out what I really want by seeing what I do."
Because when self sacrifice and the long-term good of multiple people are involved, it is very difficult to know the best course.
And do I have the courage to take anything other than the path of least resistance?
Everyone's right. There is no good time.
ReplyDeleteI too cannot formulate a vision of the future, other than just the day-to-day that already is. I too wonder if I can choose anything other than the path of least resistance. And yet the fact that my children are not yet at that age makes me think... And they are not far off. Maybe neither am I. It is so very difficult.
Hugs, K
From bitter experience, you will know when the time is right.
ReplyDeleteIt is when you can take no more. When your children show you the same lack of respect as your spouse.
Is it better to stop before all that happens? For me, no. I think to have gone before would have been devastating for my children. As teenagers, they are now capable of understanding that their parents are better off apart and that everyone has a better relationship as a result x