Emails with Debbie, 1

I explained here that within the space of three lunches spanning a month and a half (and with a prolonged silence of a month between the first two lunches), she and I have gotten to the point of holding hands and whispering "I love you."  Sounds like quick work, all in all,  Honestly I think part of the explanation has to be that we had gotten to know each other quite well years ago, when we worked together; and I now think that she must have had feelings for me back then similar to mine for her, or she could not have fallen this fast.

But some of the progress in closing the gap has been done in e-mail; so it is only fair that I back up to just after our second lunch, and fill in the story from there.

Anyway, after that second lunch (where we admitted that we were "responding emotionally" to each other), Debbie wrote me this:

I just want to say that I really enjoyed our time together at lunch

today.  While there is a great sense of familiarity, there is also much

new in the getting to know you again, and I am enjoying the energy

between us.  I especially appreciate how you ask questions to clarify

your understanding of something I have said or done.  It gives me

permission to be open and authentic, and how you have received what I

have said makes it continue to be safe.  You have done it a couple of

times now and I find myself admiring you for it and also wishing I could

be brave enough to do the same.  So maybe this is something I can learn

from you.

I wrote back:

Your kind words are sweet to hear, especially as I wasn't aware I was doing anything special.  But I think part of what makes it possible is that there has been time between our meetings (two weeks from the grocery store to our first lunch, and four from our first lunch to today) ... and I have been able to spend that time thinking.  I suppose in the last four weeks I must have stepped through that part of our conversation in my imagination ... well, any number of times.  Since I didn't know how you would answer, I tried to prepare myself for the worst (unnecessarily as it turned out, for which I am exceedingly grateful).  But this also meant I had to look at myself from all sides and really think about what was going on with me, too.  Because I knew that would be a part of the picture -- how could it not? -- and I knew I had to be honest about reporting what I saw, if I expected anything good from the discussion.

As for "brave enough" ... well I've never thought of myself as especially brave.  In some ways, as I told you over lunch, I see my life as marked by a kind of timidity that often doesn't serve me but that can be hard to shake.  But I don't feel that way so much when I'm talking with you.  It seems to me that was even true way back when ... unless I am just seeing the past through the eyes of the present.  But that's how I remember it.

I'm going to remember this lunch fondly for a long time.  And yes, I very much look forward to the next one.

I'm going to break this dialog up into several posts, both because that was how it unfolded in real life and because otherwise the post will become prohibitively long.  Stay tuned.