I attended Sangha this evening – not the UU Sangha I attend regularly but another one in town that I also go to when I can – and once the meditation was over, instead of listening to a dharma talk, we did an exercise. First, we split up into pairs. One of the pair asked the other a question, the second replied, and the first said "Thank you." Then the first person (yes, the same one) asked the very same question again, the second person (who answered before) answered again (this time differently), and the first person again said "Thank you." And so on. For ten minutes. After ten minutes, the two switched roles: the questioner started to answer and the answerer started to question. For another ten minutes. The idea is not to take too long with your answers, but to say what comes into your head and then watch how your answers change over ten minutes. This can show you what thoughts, ideas, beliefs, or desires are lurking in the recesses of your mind where you might not be aware of them.
And in honor of Christmas, the question was: "What would you like someone to give you?"
So theoretically one pair might start off like this:
A: What would you like someone to give you?
B: A new car.
A: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
B: A house on the beach.
A: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
B: More time with my kids.
A: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
… and so on for ten minutes. Then finally, …
B: Whew! Now it's finally my turn to ask. What would you like someone to give you?
A: Enlightenment.
B: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
A: World peace.
B: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
A: Actually your house on the beach sounded pretty good. Can I have one too?
B: Thank you. What would you like someone to give you?
… and so on for another ten minutes.
And then we discussed what we discovered about ourselves.
Some people found it really revealing of things they hadn't known about themselves. One woman said she found there were a whole lot of things she wanted, even though she realizes she already has a lot of things and doesn't have anywhere to put them all. So why does she want more? But she does. There was a man who said he wanted some resolution to arguments with people from ten years ago. He had thought that those were ancient history and that he had lost all interest in them, but apparently not. Another woman said she found that all the things she wanted were things only she could give herself, like self-acceptance. And so on.
For myself, I wasn't very surprised by the things I wanted. And all the way home I was congratulating myself on knowing myself so well that I wasn't surprised. Some of the things I said I wanted, for example, were:
Travel
Art
Scholarships to pay for the boys's educations
Time and quiet
Nothing
For the people I have difficulty with [thinking here of Wife and Father] to feel true love and acceptance
To be able to see to the bottom of quandries and make decisions more quickly
To know what I want to do next
To know that the boys will both grow into the fine men I know they have the potential to be
To have someone over for dinner
To be able to ease someone's mind
… and so on.
I don't remember all of them – it went on for ten minutes, after all – but I answered slowly and none of the answers would have surprised you. I asked for a few material things – my car needs some body work, and most of my dress shirts are looking pretty ratty these days – but not many. And it didn't occur to me to ask for things like a final separation agreement, because I know that's plugging along and it will happen when it happens. Anyway, as I say, I was preening myself on knowing myself so well that none of these was a surprise.
But then once I was home, as I started getting myself some dinner, I began to think that maybe my lack of surprise didn't indicate deep self knowledge. Maybe, in fact, it was a consequence of recycling the same old stories I tell you folks over and over. I answered most of the questions slowly, so maybe I was trying to remember, "What have I thought before about wanting?" instead of spontaneously spitting out what I really want.
Maybe. And maybe this is just classic second-guessing of myself. But I don't think it's only that, even if that's a part of it. And the reason is that after I got home, I thought of something that I didn't mention, … that I really do want … but that hasn't been on my lips or in my blog posts. I haven't talked about it a lot, so it took a while to burble up to the surface. But it's real, and that makes me wonder if the faster answers weren't, or at any rate if they are just more superficial. My new answer is this:
More friends
Merry Christmas, everybody.
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