“You’re being childish and cruel!”

A few days ago Iwrote a post in which I speculated that the reason Son 1 was planning to stay away from celebrating Christmas with the rest of us was that he was being emotionally blackmailed by Wife. Son 2 is staying with me for a couple of days, and last night we talked about it. I suppose the good news is that I was completely wrong.

No, the point is that Son 1 believes – and Son 2 agreed with him on this – that I am being childishly vindictive and cruel in my repeated refusal to let Wife visit my family for holidays. And he decided he no longer wants to dignify what he sees as petty game-playing on my part with his presence. So either I grow the hell up and drop my resistance, or he won’t show up. Son 2 said he agreed with the moral stance, but chose to come anyway precisely so that he could discuss this with me in person. Several times he said, “I know this isn’t pleasant to hear, but I want you to understand”; and I assured him that I would rather understand what is true than be placated with what is pleasant.

Actually, in a sense this story is more pleasant for me than the one I believed before. There’s a part of me that doesn’t especially mind being hated: I figure it’s only fitting punishment for my sins, or something like that. (In the past I have explained that attitude in one way, for example here. Now I am starting to think that story is really too glib and not deep enough. But the phenomenon is a reality anyway.) As I say, there’s a part of me that doesn’t especially mind being hated. But it alarmed me to think of Son 1 victimized by Wife’s abuse and emotional manipulation. So yeah, hearing that it’s really all my fault is actually an improvement.  

After that, Son 2 and I talked for a couple of hours. I tried to explain, in a kind of fumbling, ham-handed way, that my attitude towards spending holidays with Wife comes not from cruelty, but from thirty years of abuse. I conceded that I had never talked about this with him or his brother (and that in a sense I was glad they hadn’t already figured it out) because all the advice I had read from Judith Wallerstein and others said that it is a terrible thing for children of divorcing parents when the parents bad-mouth each other to their kids. Son 2 agreed that it is indeed terrible when that happens; but he added that one of the consequences has been that for years they have heard all of Wife’s complaints against me but never the other side of the story. And when you only ever hear one side of the story, well, what are you supposed to think? Besides – and on this point we both agreed – the boys are now adults. Rules that applied when they were still kids don’t have to apply any longer.

Son 2 still thinks that I haven’t handled my damage from the marriage in any kind of useful way (seems to me I remember Debbie telling me the exact same thing years ago), and that there is a lot of room for improving the current situation. But he no longer condemns my attitude on straightforward moral grounds. It’s progress. He wants me to write a short email to Son 1 summarizing the same points, and then the two of them will discuss it some more.

Two days ago I did a Tarot reading where I asked “What do I need to understand about today’s events?” I dealt three cards: for my Self, the World reversed; for my Situation, the Fool reversed; and for my Outcome, the Five of Pentacles reversed. I looked up the card meanings from an online site. At the time I wasn’t sure how to put together the suggested meanings, but in retrospect it looks as if the cards were telling me something like this:

Self: The World reversed: I am seeking closure on a personal issue.

Situation: The Fool reversed: I am acting recklessly.

Outcome: The Five of Pentacles reversed: There is a possibility that this might not end with my losing the relationship with both boys, or (figuratively) being shut out in the cold. In other words, there could be a way forward. But don’t fuck it up, bubbeleh.

I suppose it’s easier to read a divinatory message when you already know what’s going to happen, isn’t it?