The evil that men do

The evil that men do lives after them;

The good is oft interred with their bones.

– Marc Antony, in Julius Caesar, III 2, by William Shakespeare 

No, nobody has died. But I can't help thinking of Marc Antony's lines anyway. Wife is still poisonous, despite and after the separation.

I feared something like this when Son 1 first made plans to let her move in with him, though I never committed myself to particular details. Not that I claim any genius as a prophet. But this doesn't require genius. 

What happened is that we as a family started planning Christmas. Yes, it's only a week away — that's actually not abnormal for us. Son 2 will be driving into town from the faraway place where he now has a job: he plans to spend a couple of nights with me, a couple of nights with Wife, and several days at the home of my mom, including the afternoon of Christmas and then Boxing Day. Brother and SIL will probably cook up a big feast at my mom's place on the evening of the 25th. We'll all eat too much, drink too much, and sit around opening presents or just visiting. It should be fun.

What about Son 1? I emailed him to ask about his plans, and he said,

Ok, welp, this probably won't be popular but I wasn't planning to go anywhere or do anything for Christmas. We'll have Son 2 crash here for a couple nights, but that's about the limit of my planning.

When I inquired a little further, he explained,

It is my intention, while I live with [Wife], to abstain from all Tanatu family gatherings if she does not get an invite.

Oh. Got it.

There are so many things I want to say in response, and most of them aren't going to be helpful. The reply I sent him this morning just pointed out that he might find himself living with Wife for several years to come, and it would be a shame if he let himself drop out of touch with the family during that time; also — though I devoutly hope that this won't be an issue for some years yet — I asked him to make an exception for funerals.

Meanwhile inside my head I'm screaming.

Is this because you are trying to avoid us, or because you are trying to placate her? 

If you are trying to avoid us, I'm baffled, because Mother and Brother and SIL have never been anything but kind to you. 

If you are trying to placate Wife, I get it — but it will never work. I tried for thirty years to placate her, and she still inflicted misery on herself over and over. Finally I realized that placating her would never work — and I also realized that I had sub-contracted out all my decision-making to her when it touched any of the (all too many) issues that wounded her oversensitive vanity. I had allowed myself to stop doing things I enjoyed because Wife would be upset. 

So I broke with her and the break was total. If you want to have a good relationship with her in the long term, you have to start by setting some boundaries now. Otherwise it will take a lot of years — years when you avoid doing things you want to do, for her sake — and then one day you'll decide never to speak to her again.

I know that Wife gets whiny and emotionally manipulative around the holidays — any holidays. Whenever things unroll in a way that differs from the Perfect Holiday Script that she has in her mind — the foods aren't exactly what they were in her girlhood, the dramatis personae aren't quite right, whatever — she goes to pieces, weeping and wailing that the Holiday has been Ruined Forever. If you spend even part of the holiday with somebody else she'll claim that she has been Abandoned For Christmas, and that she has No-One to Spend It With. I've heard the same speeches from her for years. And I can kind of understand why you don't want to have to listen to it.

But why is she so alone? 

• Her birth family is a lot bigger and more extensive than mine is. Why isn't she spending Christmas with some of them? Answer: Because she has alienated them all. Every single one, so far as I know.
• She used to have a wide circle of friends that she called her "family of choice," and for years she talked about how "families of choice" are so much better than families by birth. Why isn't she spending Christmas with some of them? Answer: Same reason she's not with her birth family. One by one she has driven all of them away, or the friendships withered to the point that there was nothing in it to make it worthwhile for her friends to keep up with her.
• More recently she has talked a lot about how my family is "the only real family she ever had." But did they actually like her, or did they just put up with her for my sake? Seems to me that if they'd actually liked her, they would have made overtures to get together some time when it's not a holiday, just for the pleasure of hanging out. To the best of my knowledge that hasn't happened. So it kind of looks like they don't much care for her either.
• I totally agree that her isolation is sad. But it's like Greek tragedy. The fates of Oedipus, and Agamemnon, and Hippolytus were all sad too, but they were also self-inflicted. She has brought this on herself.

I don't know if Son 1 will reply to my short email. If he does, I don't know what direction the conversation will go. I may not say any of these things. But inside my head I'm still screaming.