On the whole Burkett's message is very sex-positive, provided you don't get wrapped up in craving or any of the other bad mental spaces that Buddhism is supposed to free you from. There's one brief obligatory reference to sex being unhealthy if it's not in the context of a "committed relationship"; but he says enough other favorable things about casual or recreational sex that this one paragraph cannot be any more than a formalistic hommage to the Buddha's Third Precept or some kind of politically-careful ass-covering.
But craving is still bad, and so he draws a distinction between casual or recreational sex (which he regards as benign, on the one hand) and what he terms "promiscuity" (which he identifies with craving and therefore deplores, on the other). And when I read his remarks on promiscuity, my ears perked up:
Promiscuity is associated with carelessness and indiscriminate, obsessive behavior. Or, promiscuity may be a manifestation of neediness. When a person is promiscuous, there's often an underlying emotional issue that is being avoided. The close association between promiscuity and suffering should not be overlooked.
If we use sex to mask our insecurity or loneliness, then we feel cut off from everyone. If promiscuity is concealing an underlying fear of intimacy, then we are using sex to avoid commitment. Or maybe it's the opposite extreme: we are promiscuous because no one fits our vision of an ideal partner. Both extremes are fear-based, and both diminish the intrinsic joy of sex.
You may remember that I started this blog, over eleven years ago, because I was troubled and baffled by Wife's serial infidelities, and because I needed a place where I just just come out and say "My wife has had all these lovers and I don't get it." But I think that Burkett may explain it all, right here.
"Neediness"? Wife is incredibly needy, and was throughout our marriage. Even back when she was excitingly high-functioning in some respects, she was still very needy in others.
"Underlying emotional issues"? That's easy: think of the depression, the bipolar disorder, the borderline personality disorder, the profound self-hatred and sense of victimization.
"Suffering"? Wife has always suffered, more or less continuously, both physically and mentally. Whatever else I have said about her, I have never denied that. For many years I hoped that if I only loved her hard enough I could make it all better, but no such luck. And there were only a few things that brought her temporary surcease. Victory did, but victories were few and far between. Alcohol did, until it made her moody and morose and even more miserable than when she started. And the dance of flirtation did. Orgasm did. Not so much with me, but that gets to the next point ....
"Underlying fear of intimacy"? Surely that is why she always had better sex with strangers ... why her romances inevitably decayed over time until her lovers wanted nothing to do with her nor she with them. Because intimacy means exposing yourself for others to see, and she hated letting anyone else see her. She hated letting me watch her come. And I think this is because she hated who she was; and exposing herself to others meant letting them see -- in her eyes -- how hateful she really was. (She felt deep pain whenever I would tell her I found her beautiful.)
"No one fits our vision of an ideal partner"? I think for Wife the "ideal partner" would be someone who made her stop hurting. But nobody else can make us stop feeling that kind of hurt, not in the long run. So no one fits that vision. Simple as that.
It's amazing how much he packed into how little space here.
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