"I find out what I really want …," 3

A while ago, I wrote you about the possibility of a new job that had appeared on my horizon. I interviewed via MS Teams with the recruiter and the hiring manager, and then with the two senior employees in the department. The company made plans for me to fly there at the end of this week, to meet everyone in person and look around at the city. (You remember that this job is about 400 miles away from where I live today.)

Then this morning I sent an email to the recruiter and the hiring manager, saying that I'm really not prepared to move that far away, so I'd like to withdraw my application. I thanked them for their time, and said I was sad to miss meeting them in person. But it wouldn't be fair to let them pay for my travel if I knew I wasn't going to take the job. They were very understanding, and the hiring manager even added, "Wish you the very best in all your future endeavors. You never know, our paths may cross again." 

I had been tending in this direction for a while, and in fact I wrote the email last night. (But then slept before sending it.) What I was not prepared for was how much relief I felt after I clicked Send. Normally I think that words like "it washed over me" are just picturesque and a little over the top. But that's exactly how it felt.

"I find out what I really want by seeing what I do. That's what we all do, if we're honest about it. We have our feelings, we make our decisions, but in the end we look back on our lives and see how sometimes we ignored our feelings, while most of our decisions were actually rationalizations because we had already decided in our secret hearts before we ever recognized it consciously." (Ender to Miro, Children of the Mind, chapter 3, by Orson Scott Card.)

Why did I choose to withdraw? Well I've told you about the divination that was consistently against taking the job, but that wasn't all of it.* I also started to reflect on all the frustrations that I'd had with my work over the years. (See, for example, here and here, almost at random. You can probably find other posts in the same vein without too much trouble.) I realized that this new job would consist of just one part of my old job … and that was the part that was the most exhausting, the most draining. The part that involved the most wrangling over stupid stuff. That's what the new job would ask me to do, over and over. 

Of course, every job has frustrations. And as long as you have to keep the job anyway, you learn to live with them. You learn to ignore them. But I began to remember just how relieved I felt when I realized that I didn't have to put up with all the bullshit any more. Yes, I could do it. I even got pretty good at it. I could maneuver through large organizations like BehemothCo, and even thrive. But how much better not to have to! 

Another thing I thought about was, What is the cost of being wrong? If I moved 400 miles away and then the choice was wrong, it would be very hard to move back. I'm sure the rent in my current apartment would double if I moved out and then back in again, provided it was still vacant. So if the job had been local, I might have taken it, just because then the cost of being wrong would be a lot lower. (On the other hand, that reasoning doesn't address the profound relief I felt when I withdrew!)

I sent emails to my family to tell them what I'd decided. Also to Debbie and Marie. Son 2 called me to discuss it—along with a few other things—and I explained what I've said here in the last three paragraphs. (I didn't mention the divination.) I got emails back from Debbie and Marie. It sounds like both of them are quietly disappointed, but supportive. 

Now I need to find other ways to keep busy. But I'm glad that the decision felt so positive.

__________

* (As an aside, I reference the divination here, here, and here. But there was more. 

• "What does it mean for my life if I take the job?" Page of Pentacles reversed, Two of Swords, High Priestess: i.e., opposition, stalemate, and there's something I don't know.
• "If I take the job and move there, will I be happy with my choice?" N, N, and N. 
• "If I turn down the job and stay here, will I be happy with my choice?" N, N, and N.

Wow, it's nice to know that I'm so easy-going!)