Another view of Thanksgiving

I wrote yesterday that I thought Thanksgiving had gone pretty well because Wife and my father had not started screeching at each other.  This morning I picked up an e-mail from my dad which acknowledged that part but had a slightly different evaluation all the same.  He wrote (in part) as follows:

Our visit to the Durmstrang Thanksgiving Dinner was an interesting excursion. I think the school looks like a pretty wonderful place and I'm glad that Son 2 is so happy there and that they are so happy with him. Your mom and I felt very welcomed by the faculty: they seem like a truly wonderful and dedicated team who are devoted to their students and the learning ideals of the school. We felt considerably less welcome by Son 2. I got the feeling that he wished we had not come. I was utterly unable to engage him in any conversation at all, although not for want of trying. As we left, I thanked him for inviting us; he replied curtly, "I didn't!" With that kind of welcome I don't think we'll plan on returning for any more such adventures. Maybe when he graduates in 2016 ... ? 

As you know, Son 1 undertook to keep the peace between Wife and me by extracting promises on both sides that we would avoid any confrontation or anything that might conceivably lead to a confrontation. I believe I fulfilled my part of the bargain. I uttered no negative criticism of anything that I thought she might hold dear, and I feigned deafness whenever she made an uncalled-for snarky remark to me. It seemed to work. No shouting from her. I don't know if her disparaging comments are delivered out of malice or if it is just a habit she got from her mother. When Son 1 was having supper with us on Tuesday, he responded sarcastically to something I'd said and then joked "I learned sarcasm from the best of them: my Mom!" Except in Son 1's case there was humor in his remark and not any malice.

I don't mean to add to your emotional burdens -- they are heavy and numerous enough already -- but I related the above as an explanation for why your mom and I are having second thoughts about hosting any sort of big family get-together this Christmas. It hardly seems worth the trouble.

Right.  I guess there are levels of success in anything, and while we reached at least the bottom rung of bare civility we may not have gotten much farther.  I wrote back as follows:

Glad you got home safely, and yes I was pleased that the day went off as smoothly as it did.  I am grateful that you were able to be so careful and indulgent with Wife; on this side I tried to reinforce Son 1's message a couple of nights before.  I think at this point that she doesn't even hear herself (so to speak) and therefore has no idea how malicious the things she says are.  But at least she didn't start hollering.

Not sure quite what to say about Son 2.  We didn't get much of a chance to talk to him either.  Yesterday we went back up for the parent events and then checked him out for the afternoon to go to the movies.  (We saw "Skyfall".)  But we had to hurry him back to get him checked back in on time, leaving Wife lamenting that she didn't get "any" (read "much") time with him.  The thing is, I'm well aware that Son 2 doesn't want to spend a lot of time with us either, and I joke with him about it; but I don't especially blame him.  I can see plenty of reasons he might not want to.  I try to be more pleasant and engaging than Wife is, but it is still easy for me to imagine that the whole Family Thing just doesn't appeal to him a lot.  So I don't push it; and when he comes up with reasons that he "has to" get back to campus earlier rather than stick around, I tend to support him rather than arguing with him.

So what about Christmas?  I admit it had not occurred to me that you might bow out completely, though your reasons make lots of sense.  I had been thinking that it would be most prudent to circumscribe rather carefully the amount of time Wife spent visiting, in much the same spirit that animated Son 1's proposal this time; and so I had imagined that she (and I, as driver) should not plan on spending the night but rather on driving down and back the same day.  My thoughts were more fluid concerning the boys, since I was musing vaguely (in the mode of several years ago) that they might like to stay on and visit you for a while.  But perhaps we shouldn't plan for that either.  I don't know.  I can't say that you are wrong, but my thinking had not proceeded that far ahead yet.

It's not a solid answer, I guess, but what you say makes some sense to me.

But it leaves me wondering what exactly we are seeing here?  Is this a kinder-and-gentler version of some Tennessee Williams script about the decay and collapse of a family that has rotted from within?  Or what is it?

Happy Thanksgiving

Actually it wasn’t bad.  After all Son 1’s worries about a “shit-storm” between Wife and my dad, they were pretty civil to each other.

Of course, part of the credit goes to Son 1.  Because of his (all too natural) worries, he took the initiative to talk with my father and with Wife separately to broker a deal that each of them would be on their best behavior.  My dad wouldn’t make feminist jokes or quote Rush Limbaugh (both of which annoy Wife), not would he start singing old show tunes (which deeply embarrasses Son 2, whose school we were visiting for Thanksgiving).  Wife, in turn, would not take the bait and start carping in case my dad slipped up, and she would otherwise be sweet and presentable.  I had been thinking in the back of my head I would have to have this conversation with both of them, but Son 1 beat me to it.  Good for him.

I tried to reinforce this message in a long conversation with Wife Tuesday night, one that may in retrospect not have done much good but I felt I ought to try.  I was trying to encourage her not to feel so combative about her life in general, using my father as a test case, and asked her “Even if he starts saying stupid shit, trashing your political opinions or lobbing worn-out personal barbs in your direction, why do you take it seriously? Why not just figure he’s talking but it’s only talk? Does it buy you anything to prove to him that you are right? Does it feed you or pay your bills?”  No, of course not.  “Then why do you care? What do you lose if you just let him blather on aimlessly?”

“Face.”

Oh.  Right.  Whatever.  The conversation took a lot longer than that, but that was the gist of it.  Anyway, she did promise to be nice on Thanksgiving Day.

And so it was a pleasant day.  There was no bickering.  We got to see Son 2, whose school always puts on a huge feast for Thanksgiving, inviting families and friends to come there rather than sending the students home.  My brother and his girlfriend visited too, and we all wandered around and overate.  It was fun, especially considering how other family visits have gone.  The only downside from my point of view was that Wife never stopped talking for the whole trip, and so there was a running patter of the sound of her voice on the edge of my consciousness for hours.  When we got home I had to go out to walk around the block for an hour or so, just to clear my head and get some quiet.  But I suppose this might be at least partly because I never talk to her and she doesn’t have a lot of people to talk to most days.  Maybe the prospect of having human interaction made her feel like a kid in a candy store.  I could spin other theories, but that’s the most generous so I’ll stick with it ….

"She took you away from me!"

During the same dinner when Wife complained about making salads -- this was Monday night -- she started complaining about D again.  But the lead-in was a little roundabout.

It started when Wife complained that I hadn't done something or other that she wanted (I don't remember what) and I replied that she had never asked me.  How was I supposed to know?  By reading her mind?  She replied that of course she had never asked me, because she knew perfectly well that my answer would be No.  And I told her, ...

Hosea:  You know, every time you say you know perfectly well what I'm going to say, you always turn out to be dead wrong.  Maybe you should give up trying to second-guess me.  I know that way back when you used to claim to be psychic.  [She did.]  But it's obviously not working any more, if it ever did.  Because you are never right about what you think I am going to say.

Wife:  That's just because you have changed so much.  Nowadays you are not the man I married, and you are not any man I ever knew.  You have changed every single aspect of your personality that I ever knew before, into something I don't know at all.  And you did it just to hate me, just to make me suffer by not having any idea who you are any more.

Hosea:  Gosh, I hardly know what to say.  I guess I'm flattered that you think I have changed every single aspect of my personality.  Most people I know don't think that's possible; they think that if you try really, really hard maybe you can change this or that little surface habit or characteristic.  But to change a whole personality?  That would take real mastery.  I don't think I'm nearly that good, but I'm flattered you do.

Wife:  Yeah, well you didn't change everything.  [She tried to make it sound venomous.]  But I know when you started.  It was the second day that fucking D was here, and you just started to model every single thing she did.  That's when you decided to become vegetarian, and that's when you decided all my books could get thrown in the trash, and that's when you drove her back to her hotel every night which was only ten minutes away and you'd stay there for two hours!  Oh I know you'd make excuses but I also know perfectly well you were spending all that time plotting with each other over exactly how much of my stuff you'd let me keep, and how you were going to screw me over by throwing away the rest of it.  And that's when you'd split bottle after bottle with her of the good wine we got from our wine club.  You never split any of that wine with me, but it was fine to pour it for that fucking D! 

Hosea:  I can guarantee you we weren't spending any time plotting against you.  Good God, the cleaning job was bad enough when it was going on ... the last thing we wanted to do was keep talking about it afterwards.  We were probably discussing philosophy or something.  [I didn't add that actually D and I were fucking like bunnies, and I'm a little surprised that Wife has never accused us of that. Then I went on.]  As for sharing the good wine, you never asked.  Look, do you remember the story of the Prodigal Son, in the Bible?  [She nodded.]  There's a line in there that's so short everyone misses it, but it's really important.  The father is making all these preparations for a big feast as the prodigal son comes home, and the good son -- the one who stayed there all along -- pouts, "You never threw a party like this for me."  The father answers him, "You never asked."  You can't expect me to read your mind.

Wife:  So if I'd been as pushy as that fucking D, then maybe you would have shared some of the good wine with me?  Because that's all she was -- just pushy!  And she made you change every single thing about yourself, so that I'd never know you any more and you'd hate me and want nothing to do with me!  She made you change your personality so that she could take you away from me and I never had you for myself again for a single minute after that!  I hate her so much if I ever see her again I'll put a kitchen knife between her ribs.

By this point the veins were standing out prominently on Wife's forehead, her face was dark red, and she was weeping freely.  I didn't know what to say and I felt like a ninny saying anything.  My first attempt to pull her out of it was a total failure.

Hosea:  You know, I really don't think I changed all that many of my opinions then.  I think there was a lot more continuity in how I felt than you are painting.

Wife:  Well you sure didn't act like it!  You used to act like you cared about me, and now you do everything you can to get as far away from me as possible.

Hosea:  And as for eating less meat and more vegetables, you know part of that dates back to when my dad had his quadruple-bypass.  [This was really weak, because it truly was D who inspired me to change how I eat. My father had his bypass surgery in 2002, and it was another six or seven years before I started eating differently.]

Wife:  Well if that's what made you change, then you deserve to die of clogged arteries and a heart attack and cancer all at once for what you've done to me.

Wow.  What do I say to that?  I had no idea, so I tried a different tack.

Hosea:  Can I ask a question?  Why are you still so upset over things that happened so many years ago?  Most people, if they are angry over something, find their anger dissipates after a while.  Why are you still so worked up over something so old?

She didn't have a clear answer apart from repeating her grievances, but my question did kind of derail her.  And after a while she did calm down enough to say, ...

Wife:  I'm really, really scared.  Two and a half months ago I knew what the future looked like.  Back then I figured even if we didn't have a great marriage we could stick it out and stick together.  And now I'm looking at being all alone and I don't know what to do.  When Christmas rolls around I guess I'll go buy a magazine and just wait it out.  You'll visit your parents with the boys, but you won't want me there.

Hosea:  You know, Babe, none of us knows the future.  None of us knows what is coming our way.  Any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow.  So you were never as secure as you thought you were.  But the flip side is that things aren't guaranteed to be bad any more than they are guaranteed to be good.  You think you'll be alone because right now you can't foresee who you'll be with.  But you won't really be alone.  I have too much confidence in you for that.  You'll meet new people, make new friends.  You'll have somewhere to be for Christmas: maybe at your nephew's house, or maybe with some new friends you haven't even met yet.  There's never any absolute security outside of God and Heaven.  But I have confidence that you can weather it.  Have some confidence in yourself.

Wife:  I don't.

Hosea:  I know.  But work on it.

And with that we picked up dinner and Wife headed off to bed.

So controlling ...

You all know that Wife has long complained about how controlling I am.  For the last few years I have been making a conscious effort to control less and less of what she does -- especially now that she will have to be on her own in the forseeable future.  You might think she would like this.

What I find ironic, though, is that she hates it.  It makes her very nervous.  And so more and more and more she asks me what to do.  What do you want for dinner?  Gosh, Babe, I dunno.  It's your week to cook.  You decide.  When do you want dinner on the table?  I dunno.  Since you're cooking, why don't you tell me?  Yes, but when do you want it?  Really it's up to you ....

Ironic also is that this doesn't stop her from complaining about "having" to do things just so.  This evening, as she was making a salad, she started complaining about how much work it is to make a salad ... because of all the chopping, I guess.

OK, but you're the cook.  You decide on the menu.  Make what you want.

But I know you always want a salad.

Yes, but you're the cook. You decide on the menu. Make what you want.

But if I don't make a salad you'll just look at me like I'm too lazy, and then you'll sulk off to the kitchen and make one yourself.  

Ummm ... I don't think I do those things, but never mind.  Suppose I do.  Isn't that the best outcome, then?  Because that way we both get what we want?  That way I get a salad (if I feel like it) and you don't have to fix it.  What could be better?  

But then you'll be unhappy.  

Maybe or maybe not, but isn't that my problem?  Why do you care?  

Because I only ever cook to make you happy!  God knows, we never have any of the food I like, or that I want to eat!  No, we all have to eat vegetarian because that's what Hosea wants, even though everybody else in the family thinks it's shit!  But we can never have anything else, because you make all the meals be vegetarian!  

But you're the cook. You decide on the menu. Make what you want.   

(It was on the tip of my tongue to point out that if she were really cooking only what I like, she'd use a lot more mushrooms; also that it's a little odd to talk about my preferences versus "everybody else in the family" when the boys are away at school so there are only the two of us. But I figured neither of those would be a useful point just now ....)  

Anyway, I'm not sure what puzzles me more: her desperate pleading for me to tell her what to do (now that I'm not doing it) or her firm conviction that I'm controlling every aspect of her existence even when I refuse to tell her what to do.  Honestly both of them are kind of strange.

Thoughts on marriage and divorce

You may remember that some years ago I wrote a piece on the meaning of sex. 

Well here is one I posted to my public (philosophical) site on the meaning of marriage.  For what it's worth ....

The last thing I need

Quite a few weeks ago -- I don't quite remember when, but probably in September some time -- Wife made a remark about the possibility of my getting or having a girlfriend.  I think she said something to the effect that, since we are divorcing anyway (and since she has some number of boyfriends herself, plus an active account on OKCupid), it would naturally be fine with her if I were seeing somebody too.  This was after I had broken up with D (although for a while D actually kept writing me as affectionately as ever, thinking perhaps that I didn't really mean it).  And I just chuckled and said, "The last thing I need right now is a romantic relationship."

Wife was plainly a little confused at my answer, and asked, "Really? I'd think with everything that's going on you would want a girlfriend to help support you through this time."

I didn't really answer her -- more just blew it off -- and the conversation went somewhere else.  But only a couple of weeks ago the conversation came back to me, and I understood more clearly why I had said that.

Really there are two reasons.  One is the mundane practical reason that I think I will be in a stronger position with respect to the courts and in the eyes of the boys if I am not currently dating.  Logically it shouldn't work that way, maybe, but in practice I think it does.  (A corollary is that when I am in love my judgement and common sense go completely to hell; so maybe it's not a good thing to invite when I need my wits about me.)

But the other reason is more interesting, and it speaks directly to Wife's question.  When I have a lot going on, why wouldn't I want to be involved with a girlfriend who could help me carry the burdens?

Why not?  Well, because I have no idea what that would look like.  What suddenly hit me, recently, is that the only picture I have in my mind of what a romantic relationship looks like is that it involves me supporting her through her problems, not the other way around.  So of course when I have a shitload of my own burdens to carry I'm not going to be eager to pick up someone else's too.  And so I'm going to be pretty skittish about another girlfriend just now.

I'm happy that I understand my reaction better now.  But I'm a bit disturbed at what I now see about how I perceive romantic relationships.  Maybe this gets back to my old question, "What is it with me and high-maintenance women anyway?" (see also here or really any of these.)

Movie meme, 3

This evening we saw "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel" (courtesy of Netflix) and I have a new movie image for me and Wife.  Just think of us as Douglas and Jean Ainslie, and you'll have us about pegged.  That makes her the harridan who dominates the marriage; and me the timid, henpecked nebbish who hates his lot in life but goes along with it anyway.  Maybe it's not perfect (at any rate any more), but it once was.

Towards the end of the movie, Douglas speaks to Jean and says:

Look. Can you hear yourself? Can you? Do you have any idea what a terrible person you have become? All you give out is this endless negativity, a refusal to see any kind of light and joy, even when it's staring you in the face, and a desperate need to squash any sign of happiness in me or... or... or... anyone else. It's a wonder that I don't fling myself at the first kind word or gesture that comes my way, but I don't, ou... ou... ou... out of some sense of dried-up loyalty and respect, neither of which I ever bloody get in return.

After the movie, as we were picking up, Wife volunteered that she found it a very painful speech to hear.  Why painful?

Wife:  Because in my mind I can just hear you saying the exact same things to me.

Wow.  Is it that obvious?  Of course, I guess I have said things like that before.  (Even Son 2 once blew up at her in very similar terms.)  But then I have to wonder, ... does she see herself doing the things that call out that reaction in us?

Or ... a more disturbing thought ... has she seen those behaviors and stopped doing them, but I have totally failed to see she's made any progress because I am no longer invested in paying attention or even seeing her any more at all?

Memo: When I first wrote this it was missing the last paragraph, and the next-to-last was also weaker.  But then, I wrote it after finishing off an entire bottle of red wine during dinner and the movie.  Red wine is supposed to be good for you, right? 

Eating meat does what?

A new Indian hygiene textbook aimed at 11-12 year olds says that eating meat makes you cheat, lie, steal, and turn to violence and sex crimes.

Here is the article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/17/indian-textbook-meat-eaters-violent-dishonest-sex-criminals_n_2150611.html

I can hear it now:

"Dude, let's score some Big Macs, then find some babes and knock over a liquor store."

"Your Honor, my client pleads Not Guilty by reason of meatloaf."

"The first rule of KFC Club is not to talk about KFC Club."

The possibilities are endless ....

Don't try this at home, 2

The last one of these I posted was pretty bizarre -- I mean, that people would let themselves get caught doing such stupid things -- but there's an argument that people are just stupid.  Sorry, but there it is.

Anyway, here are a couple more things you probably want to avoid: masturbating in a Starbucks (while high), or fucking on the table at an expensive restaurant (and then not paying the bill).

Did I mention people are stupid?

And three cheers to the New York Daily News for its fearless investigative reporting of both important stories.  Say, I just noticed both of these took place in Florida.  Any theories about this? 

Why nice guys lose in relationships

Found this article while browsing the Internet at work, killing time and pretending to get something done.  The title I give it is a little harsher than what he really says; but then the author's title has the same problem: "Why Nice Guys and Gals Finish Last in Love".  Either way, it's another one of these articles I post from time to time that I wish I had known before.  Not that I'm quite sure how to put the advice into practice, but at least I would have been forewarned.

The basic idea is that if you are always doing inconvenient things for your partner and you don't ask her to do inconvenient things for you, then you become more invested in the relationship than she is.  If you are always available to her but she gets away with being unavailable to you, then you both perceive that she is a "scarcer resource" than you are ... and thereby a lot more valuable.  And so on.

He also says, never expect that one day she will suddenly realize all those nice things you have been doing for her, and change her personality instantly in gratitude.

Anyway, here's the link:  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-attraction-doctor/201211/why-nice-guys-and-gals-finish-last-in-love

The great thing about HR

OK, this is purely silly and has nothing to do with any of the stuff I normally discuss here, but what the hell?

One of my friends at work is our HR Manager.  You'd think that befriending the HR Manager would be politically astute, but in this case I'm not so sure because I can't tell if anybody in senior management ever listens to her.  Still, we have fun swapping stories about the craziness we have to put up with.

But lately I think she's winning.  The other day she got a call from the head office of our parent company telling her that she has to go help with layoffs at some plant neither of us had ever heard of ... in a city that's three or four hours away by car. 

Oh, and it's not just one or two layoffs, but they have closed the entire plant so the employee exit interviews will have to be held in a Burger King nearby. 

Oh, and it's tomorrow.

Why exactly does she have to drop everything and go do this?  "Well, you're so nearby and we really need someone there who is an expert in the labor law of your state, because the other person doing this will be flying out from headquarters."

As she told me this, it was obvious that she was torn between shock and disbelief.  I just asked her if she has ever seen "Up in the Air."  (She hasn't.)

Then I decided to make her a little graphic to take with her or otherwise cheer her up ....