I drove past the house after work again last night. Wife had taken Son 1 to the doctor for his annual check-up, and there were some forms that the Hogwarts Health Center needed. The doctor had filled them out and so I was going to pick them up and turn them in. Other than that, the boys had spent the whole day at the house helping Wife pack. Meanwhile, Debbie is moving to the Big City a couple hours away from here, to enroll in a graduate program. Her movers arrived today, so she was out of town. Still, she’ll be back tomorrow to pick up some odds and ends, and we were in touch by text message.
Shortly before I got to the house, Son 1 texted me as follows:
Just thought you should be aware mom is making death threats at you and suicide threats. Admittedly alcohol influenced but made all the same. Don’t do anything but be aware all the same. Repeat, do not do anything.
Yes, well Wife always gets a lot less rational after a couple of martinis. And she loves martinis. So I texted back that I was on my way. I also forwarded his text to Debbie, with the same caution not to take any action … but just so she should know.
When I got there …. Well, hell, I already texted this whole story to Debbie after it was over. Let me just recopy to you what I wrote to her.
At the laundromat. The visit didn’t go so well, though it could’ve been even worse. I came over nominally to get some medical forms for hogwarts filled out this morn by s1’s doctor….
… So as soon as I got there (they were all in the driveway packing boxes) S1 said “let me show you where the forms are” and took me inside. There he urged me to take time off work and help her [Wife] because she’s becoming ever less functional. He also said he and S2 may be the [only] reason she is still alive, and if I don’t come help S2’ll have to do it all. [Because Son 1 goes back to school this weekend.]
I explained that there ARE houses in her price range (she fears homelessness) … even ones as big as our house. Just in [a small town about 35 minutes from here]. We went online and found one right then, which S1 thought would ease her mind a lot.
Then he told me to leave before W saw me, but no dice. She came in as I left, so S1 and I tried to buoy her mood with the news that she could afford a place plenty big enough, that welcomed cats.
“Come look!” It answered every fear she had been expressing.
But no. It’s in [that small town] and she reacted as if we had said it’s in the slums of Calcutta. Or the north pole.
There followed a long tirade about how her life sucks. (I’m abbreviating.) I kept my voice calm and quiet. S1 left in disgust or frustration. Finally I left. But I had printed out all the emails I’ve sent her lately, including my support offer, because her email hasn’t been working so she hasn’t seen any of them. I handed them to her before I left. In retrospect this was not a skillful move.
I should have given them to a boy to give her when she was sober, but oh well. Followed many texts as I drove home about how my proposal left her “below the poverty level.” (This is the same plan I described to you.)
[As a brief memo to my readers, my proposal would more or less match the disability check she gets every month from Social Security. My attorney said she thought it was fair. Debbie said, “That gives her as much per month to live on as I have, and I live very well.” Opinions obviously differ, but I think it’s safe to assume that Wife has not looked up where exactly the poverty line is really set these days.]
I will go to the house tomorrow morn to discuss it a bit, and be late to work. Really I think she should ask her attorney’s opinion.
Debbie asked: Is she still drinking?
She had one or more martinis tonight. S1 said the reason Monday went so well is that she didn’t drink at all. He clearly sees a correlation.
As for moving to any other town besides here, what she says tonight is that the distance from here makes it a nonstarter. Also there’s “nothing to do” anywhere else. Over the weekend she told S2 and me that she has to have a big place with all her stuff because she “never” goes out of the house. So does it matter that there’s “nothing to do”? No it only matters that she has a reason why anything anybody says is wrong. Wrong and hateful.
She also claims she has a romantic relationship going, the “only” one who is loyal or cares for her, and moving away means the end of it. She worked herself into tears at this. I just said that if he won’t drive to see her, she deserves better. I absolutely did not explain that my girlfriend is moving to Big City.
Debbie said: I feel concerned but don’t know what to say.
Don’t worry at not knowing what to say. There’s nothing to say. Her level of suffering just overwhelms anybody who tries to help.
It’s like the rule that you don’t swim up to help a drowning man because he’ll just pull you under and drown you too.
Her suffering and grief are THAT extreme and have been so for years. Maybe decades. Maybe all her life.
Either you learn to detach from the suffering around you and give up clinging to outcomes or she destroys you. In that way she’s a kind of dharma teacher.
Debbie added: Yes. You hear the same teaching in Al-Anon. But as long as the boys are there and trying to save her, it’s very difficult to detach.
So there you have it. Wife is either a drowning, neurotic basket-case, or a skillful and subtle Dharma teacher … or both at once, I guess. I am either learning how to preserve my own life and sanity inside a maelstrom of madness, or I’m an uncaring asshole who is callously leaving her to fall flat on her face over and over without even noticing. Or both at once, I guess. And the situation at the house is either steeply escalating drama, … or else it is steeply escalating drama. Not so many options on that one.
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