The day after Wife fell asleep so abruptly, we had another session with Counselor. Wife arrived late, so I spent a few minutes briefing Counselor on the previous week. I did mention D’s thoughts about narcissistic personality disorder, but I think I didn't have the right examples to make it clear what led her to that conclusion ... his response was "Well it sounds more like 'hoarding' than narcissism, from what you said."
When Wife arrived, Counselor started over as if we had discussed nothing, and asked how we are doing. (That's always his opening question.) Wife explained for the umpteenth time what happened last week, and how she felt violated and disrespected and infantilized and ignored. The antique fountain pen made it into the story, as did the bobbins and sewing machine feet. Same basic story as always.
What struck me was listening to the terms in which Wife -- and Counselor -- discussed D and me. Wife rang several changes on the theme, "Hosea never backed me up, but he took D's side and D took his side." Interesting ... first, that it was a conflict with sides; and second, that she and I were obviously on the same side. I made a very careful point, whenever I spoke about my motivations, to say "Now I can't speak for D, and I have no idea what her motivations were; but my motivation in this case was ...." Of course I did know exactly what her motivations were, because she and I had discussed it so much. But I thought it prudent to insert verbal space between us whenever I could.
Counselor did a lot of rephrasing back to Wife what she said to him, and at one point he formulated it in a way that really threw me. Inside my head, I did a double-take; but I am reasonably sure I did no such thing visibly. Wife was talking on and on about how "sterile" she finds D’s house because "everything is new" which makes it "just like a Best Western"! (Since when did Best Western start hanging Kandinskys??) And Counselor said, "What I think I'm hearing you say is that it is as if Hosea were saying, 'Out with the old and in with the new; out with your values and in with her values; out with Wife and in with D ...." ulp? Did he just say that?
So I started thinking that Counselor is a pretty sharp and perceptive guy, and I wonder how much he had already read in just half an hour. How many levels did he mean that on? Or was it a trial balloon, to test and see how either of us would react? I would swear that my mention of D was as dispassionate as I could make it, and I tried to disguise any enthusiasm my segueing immediately into a discussion of how great it is that the house is so clean now. But still I wonder how much he meant ....?
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Overcome by sleep
One afternoon (January 7, in case you care) I spoke with Wife on the phone. There had been some discussion this morning whether she would pick up Son 1 from school, for a variety of reasons. And I called to ask if she felt up to it or not.
In the course of her answer, she mentioned that she had been late getting Son 2 because she had fallen asleep during the afternoon and didn't wake up in time. That sounds unexceptionable as a story, ... except that 15 minutes before he was due to be picked up she was IM-ing me. And at that moment she signed off saying "I have to go get Son 2 now." So how was it POSSIBLE that she could have slept through his pickup?
Her answer was that after she signed off of IM with me, she went into the bedroom to get dressed (because apparently she hadn't gotten dressed yet). Once there, she took off her robe (or whatever) and lay down on the bed ... AT WHICH POINT she fell asleep for an hour.
So should I have been frustrated, irritated, ... or alarmed? I formulated questions in my mind like "Why would you lie down when you know you have to leave right away?" "Why weren't you dressed yet at 2:30 in the afternoon?" "Were you really overcome by sleep THAT FAST or did you somehow forget in the space of 90 seconds that you had to go pick up Son 2?" (either option looks bad) And so on. But of course I didn't ask any of them. I just told her, "Don't go get Son 1. Stay home and rest."
In the course of her answer, she mentioned that she had been late getting Son 2 because she had fallen asleep during the afternoon and didn't wake up in time. That sounds unexceptionable as a story, ... except that 15 minutes before he was due to be picked up she was IM-ing me. And at that moment she signed off saying "I have to go get Son 2 now." So how was it POSSIBLE that she could have slept through his pickup?
Her answer was that after she signed off of IM with me, she went into the bedroom to get dressed (because apparently she hadn't gotten dressed yet). Once there, she took off her robe (or whatever) and lay down on the bed ... AT WHICH POINT she fell asleep for an hour.
So should I have been frustrated, irritated, ... or alarmed? I formulated questions in my mind like "Why would you lie down when you know you have to leave right away?" "Why weren't you dressed yet at 2:30 in the afternoon?" "Were you really overcome by sleep THAT FAST or did you somehow forget in the space of 90 seconds that you had to go pick up Son 2?" (either option looks bad) And so on. But of course I didn't ask any of them. I just told her, "Don't go get Son 1. Stay home and rest."
Am I an umbrella?
In the previous post, I sketched out how our conversations – mine with D, D’s with Wife, and Wife’s with Friend – began the process of unravelling the week of D’s visit. One thread may be worth a little more comment.
In her mail that I quoted in the earlier post, D wrote in part:
I also know Wife won't break the friendship with me, particularly if she thinks we are involved. How could she possibly keep her eye on our relationship if she refuses to talk to me? It won't happen. And believe me, she hasn't begun to emotionally process the idea that you might be attractive to someone who is smart, physically well, and financially self-sufficient. For years, Wife figured you were incapable of love; you were "mechanical, all nuts and bolts," she used to tell me. Now she thinks that you are "more in touch with your feelings," but only because you hate Boyfriend 5 so much. The idea that you could actually love someone-and more importantly, be loved in return is a very new idea for her. It will change her view of you, and yes, cause her to feel betrayed by both of us. That's our responsibility to bear as well, and far more important than whether I threw away her father's pen.
My answer to her was a little puzzled:
I know that Wife has talked for years and years about my being "incapable of love" but I have never understood what she meant by it. How did she picture to herself our first year together, before we were married -- did that not look like love? How did she understand my decision to leave graduate school for her -- as duty? or cowardice? or what? Most importantly, how has she understood my relation to the boys? Is it not obvious that I love them and they me? In the last decade, I have often given Wife a pass on many of her other vices or character defects, even as they have grown ever more prominent, because I have given her credit for loving the boys and being loved by them ... and I have figured that counts for a lot. Has she truly never seen the same thing on my side?
More importantly, though, I am trying to understand how or why she will feel betrayed by our loving each other. I have written an essay on the subject of love and betrayal -- specifically, on the question "Why should I feel betrayed if my spouse has sex with somebody else? i.e., what sense does that make?" -- but the provisional conclusions that I came to don't seem to fit this case. If my love were a roof or an umbrella under which she felt she could take shelter from the storms of the World, then I could understand it: when you run to the one safe place that is yours alone and you find somebody else already there, you are going to feel pretty upset. But that can't be what is going on with Wife, can it? Surely I am a PART of the World, FROM WHOM she wants to seek shelter! Not so? In which case, why should it make the slightest difference who loves me, or whom I love in turn? If she feels about me as she does, why should she care? She might possibly feel betrayed by you, since you would be a friend who has made league with the enemy ... but no more betrayed than she feel now, over fountain pens! :-)
Am I misunderstanding something important here?
And the answer appears to be yes, I was missing something. D’s elucidation came only an hour later:
Hosea, if you are loved for any reason outside of history shared, you are loved for the security you provide. You know this; you simply don't mention it here, for reasons unknown. Wife loves you because you stay with her when she is ill and weak, holding her hand, talking to the medical personnel, reassuring her that everything will work out. You are the umbrella in her life; you are the one person who has never left her or torn her down in front of others or insisted that she is worthless and mistaken to dream of a better life. I have not read your essay, so I don't know what you said, but I know she would feel completely abandoned if she really thought that you no longer loved her exclusively. Story... I remember when Son 1 was born and how intensely she loved him; he was the center of her world. I also remember how betrayed she felt when he transferred his affection to you. She will never forgive him, because Wife has never felt that anyone, outside yourself, has really loved her. Of course, she also scorns that love, and has gone out of her way to deny and betray that love because she does not feel as though she is a person worthy of love. Therefore, you are a fool...or geek...or incapable of love...or hopelessly incompetent in some way if you do love her. Do you not realize that one of the greatest gifts we *must* give our children is the sense that they are loveable? That not only are they loved, but that they can leave us, love another, and be deeply loved in return? Surely you know that. It's knowledge that Wife does not have, which is why she both rejects you-and can't imagine leaving. It's not about the children, my dearest darling. It's about you. For all the wrong reasons and a love that is stillborn on her part by definition. Sigh* There is no happiness to be had here...there is only wilderness.
This mail also included an account of D’s most recent telephone conversation with Wife, one part of which made me sit back in amazement:
Finally, we talked a long time about the fundamental difference between you and her involving material possessions. She raised the topic, and I let her talk. She realizes that you don't care about material goods and she married you for them, at least in part. (Your academic success v. her more limited options also play into her understanding of why she married you. It's weird, because as a single man, you could have gone anywhere. Yet you married and went to the graduate school you actually chose because she could also attend. It's ironic, therefore, that she blames your academic skills and options for her marriage) Wife is clearly searching for an identity she has never found, and yet believes might be found though objects. I'm guessing that your intense desire for home and hearth was understood by Wife to mean you wanted a place, an elegant, well furnished home, to call your castle. Quietly, I think she is wrong. You do want family, and the insider/outsider division may indeed be important, but it's not dependent on property or a lavish home. It's relational; it's good books, long talks, games, jokes, activities with the children. It's not dependent on material possessions. Twenty-five years later, she realizes that all the material things she has collected mean almost nothing to you. And they are all she has to prove that she is a cultured person who has risen above her ignoble, if not illegitimate birth. Powerful material, Hosea. She feels illegitimate, the base born child of fourth rate heritage. No wonder she wants to grab both of us, spin us around and unlease her fury and despair.
Wow. Powerful stuff indeed, and I had never put it together that way.
I ought to have some idea of where this is going from here, but I frankly confess to none. All I can do is describe the scenery as I travel.
In her mail that I quoted in the earlier post, D wrote in part:
I also know Wife won't break the friendship with me, particularly if she thinks we are involved. How could she possibly keep her eye on our relationship if she refuses to talk to me? It won't happen. And believe me, she hasn't begun to emotionally process the idea that you might be attractive to someone who is smart, physically well, and financially self-sufficient. For years, Wife figured you were incapable of love; you were "mechanical, all nuts and bolts," she used to tell me. Now she thinks that you are "more in touch with your feelings," but only because you hate Boyfriend 5 so much. The idea that you could actually love someone-and more importantly, be loved in return is a very new idea for her. It will change her view of you, and yes, cause her to feel betrayed by both of us. That's our responsibility to bear as well, and far more important than whether I threw away her father's pen.
My answer to her was a little puzzled:
I know that Wife has talked for years and years about my being "incapable of love" but I have never understood what she meant by it. How did she picture to herself our first year together, before we were married -- did that not look like love? How did she understand my decision to leave graduate school for her -- as duty? or cowardice? or what? Most importantly, how has she understood my relation to the boys? Is it not obvious that I love them and they me? In the last decade, I have often given Wife a pass on many of her other vices or character defects, even as they have grown ever more prominent, because I have given her credit for loving the boys and being loved by them ... and I have figured that counts for a lot. Has she truly never seen the same thing on my side?
More importantly, though, I am trying to understand how or why she will feel betrayed by our loving each other. I have written an essay on the subject of love and betrayal -- specifically, on the question "Why should I feel betrayed if my spouse has sex with somebody else? i.e., what sense does that make?" -- but the provisional conclusions that I came to don't seem to fit this case. If my love were a roof or an umbrella under which she felt she could take shelter from the storms of the World, then I could understand it: when you run to the one safe place that is yours alone and you find somebody else already there, you are going to feel pretty upset. But that can't be what is going on with Wife, can it? Surely I am a PART of the World, FROM WHOM she wants to seek shelter! Not so? In which case, why should it make the slightest difference who loves me, or whom I love in turn? If she feels about me as she does, why should she care? She might possibly feel betrayed by you, since you would be a friend who has made league with the enemy ... but no more betrayed than she feel now, over fountain pens! :-)
Am I misunderstanding something important here?
And the answer appears to be yes, I was missing something. D’s elucidation came only an hour later:
Hosea, if you are loved for any reason outside of history shared, you are loved for the security you provide. You know this; you simply don't mention it here, for reasons unknown. Wife loves you because you stay with her when she is ill and weak, holding her hand, talking to the medical personnel, reassuring her that everything will work out. You are the umbrella in her life; you are the one person who has never left her or torn her down in front of others or insisted that she is worthless and mistaken to dream of a better life. I have not read your essay, so I don't know what you said, but I know she would feel completely abandoned if she really thought that you no longer loved her exclusively. Story... I remember when Son 1 was born and how intensely she loved him; he was the center of her world. I also remember how betrayed she felt when he transferred his affection to you. She will never forgive him, because Wife has never felt that anyone, outside yourself, has really loved her. Of course, she also scorns that love, and has gone out of her way to deny and betray that love because she does not feel as though she is a person worthy of love. Therefore, you are a fool...or geek...or incapable of love...or hopelessly incompetent in some way if you do love her. Do you not realize that one of the greatest gifts we *must* give our children is the sense that they are loveable? That not only are they loved, but that they can leave us, love another, and be deeply loved in return? Surely you know that. It's knowledge that Wife does not have, which is why she both rejects you-and can't imagine leaving. It's not about the children, my dearest darling. It's about you. For all the wrong reasons and a love that is stillborn on her part by definition. Sigh* There is no happiness to be had here...there is only wilderness.
This mail also included an account of D’s most recent telephone conversation with Wife, one part of which made me sit back in amazement:
Finally, we talked a long time about the fundamental difference between you and her involving material possessions. She raised the topic, and I let her talk. She realizes that you don't care about material goods and she married you for them, at least in part. (Your academic success v. her more limited options also play into her understanding of why she married you. It's weird, because as a single man, you could have gone anywhere. Yet you married and went to the graduate school you actually chose because she could also attend. It's ironic, therefore, that she blames your academic skills and options for her marriage) Wife is clearly searching for an identity she has never found, and yet believes might be found though objects. I'm guessing that your intense desire for home and hearth was understood by Wife to mean you wanted a place, an elegant, well furnished home, to call your castle. Quietly, I think she is wrong. You do want family, and the insider/outsider division may indeed be important, but it's not dependent on property or a lavish home. It's relational; it's good books, long talks, games, jokes, activities with the children. It's not dependent on material possessions. Twenty-five years later, she realizes that all the material things she has collected mean almost nothing to you. And they are all she has to prove that she is a cultured person who has risen above her ignoble, if not illegitimate birth. Powerful material, Hosea. She feels illegitimate, the base born child of fourth rate heritage. No wonder she wants to grab both of us, spin us around and unlease her fury and despair.
Wow. Powerful stuff indeed, and I had never put it together that way.
I ought to have some idea of where this is going from here, but I frankly confess to none. All I can do is describe the scenery as I travel.
Trying to understand the week
After the week-long Cleaning Project From Hell was finally over (see all the posts titled “Second date” for a detailed account), we all had a lot to think about. D and I tried to understand what had gone on by discussing it over e-mail. Wife did her processing partly through IM’s with one of Boyfriend 5’s friends (identified here as Friend), and partly through daily phone calls with D (described by D in e-mails to me). D and I also talked a lot at night (as I describe here), but obviously I don’t have transcripts for any of those conversations.
The discussion started simply. A day after she got back home, D wrote me an e-mail which said, in part:
Sigh* All I really want to do is write you, or better, hear your voice and plan to see you again. I have yet to really analyze what I experienced and learned while I was cleaning your home beyond what I have discussed with you. It's interesting; I find myself more grateful to have learned about how *you* react than how Wife reacts to various stresses in her life. My compassion is with her, but my intense curiosity and subsequent modification of my behavior-the creative endeavor that challenges me to examine myself and change-is all your doing. Guess that makes sense...it's not always easy to modify my approach or reaction, but it seems worthwhile and meaningful. Let's hope I become more sensitive to your needs and less misunderstanding and hurt occurs.
My reply was pretty pedestrian, but I was able to append part of a discussion between Wife and Friend, which I thought D might find interesting:
Friend: Did you have that serious talk with your friend yet. Or, if that were me, ex-friend? That would have really pissed me off. I mean for me, that's a deal breaker, right there.
Wife: I told her "thanks for coming out, and for all the hard work cleaning, but the next time we take on any kind of joint project I think we have to have expectations and boundaries clearly demarcated in advance, because I realize that Hosea is ecstatic with the results, but I feel disrespected and violated.
Friend: What did she say?
Wife: You know, she threw away my father's 1930's Parker fountain pen on the grounds that "it didn't look like I used it much"? It was dusty because I needed to buy a new bladder for it! She said that when she talked to me on the phone she had no idea of the scope of the project and once she saw it, she just realized it was going to have to be done faster (and with less regard for peoples' personal stuff, I suppose).
Friend: So she didn't apologise. That doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. It's not like she hasn't been to your house recently. She was there not that long ago as I recall. So she can't say that and be convincing.... I wouldn't do anymore joint projects unless I get a super, real, genuine apology. And do you think she and Hosea are involved? You'll know...Watch for sudden business trips. Not that that matters...much.
Wife: We won't be doing any more projects. I may continue to copy edit what she writes for her: thats it. Hosea...I don't know. Again last night he was gone in the middle of the night. He does this after I'm asleep -- just leaves for an hour or two on foot. They could be,. Their dynamic sure changed and I know she's unhappy in HER marriage just as he is unhappy with me. Sudden business trips actually happen for Hosea: but not in [the state where D lives] -- so watch for flights into [one big city near D] or [another big city near D]. Doesn't matter except that I know he's looking to frame me so as to better a divorce settlement.
Friend: Right. I'm sorry, but I think the friendship with Ms. D should end, but that's just me. She clearly didn't give a damn about your personal space, and as a friend for so many years, she could have at least said, "Where do you want X?" "What can I toss?" And what matters is that if they're having an affair, let them. Let them fuck like rabbits if they want, as long as you know about it.
Wife: No, she didnt apologise. She thought she did he right thing. For her, it's "out wit the old, in with the new". To me, her house is sterile; I could go to Ikea and replace it. To me, living among all the old stuff that has been passed on to me is what makes this "home" not just "house".
Friend: Especially since she didn't even have the good grace to say, "I'm sorry you felt violated. I never intended to make you feel that way." I would tell her you're not speaking/emailing/conversion with her till you get an apology, and a good one.
Wife: I feel violated and that both D and Hosea showed me a lack of respect. Hosea just says I set my boundaries in an insane place; .... [he also] invited me to take all my stuff with me to the Old Country. I pointed out that shipping was expensive and he said "Oh, well".
Friend: When did he say that? In other words, he wants you to leave. I'd take your stuff and move it back. Little by little so as not to be noticed.
Wife: Some of it I can, but much of it was THROWN IN THE TRASH CAN. I can't move it back in. The shelves that held my sewing stuff now hold the boys's trophies and Hosea's piles of papers. It was neatly organized, but the space to bring it back to is gone.
Friend: .... Well, still, I think you should tell her what I said. And I don't think you should be writing anything for her.
Wife: I will. And I'm still going to tell her that I feel very betrayed by having her go through my things and throw things away when she didn't even know what they were.
Friend: You should. And you should also tell her that you expect an apology or the friendship is over. Ok, I know I can't tell you what to do...I'm just saying.
Wife: I told her several times when she was here that she was crossing my boundaries and she kept doing so; therefore I dO deserve an apology. If only Hosea had backed me up....
To this, D responded (in part) as follows: ...
Dearest and beloved Hosea,I found your unabridged record of Friend/Wife's conversation fascinating. I don't suppose either of us is particularly surprised that she might have noticed that we seem to care for one another. It is interesting that she knew you were outside for hours; that's true, and given the circumstances, suspicious. The idea that you are waiting to frame her in some divorce settlement is pretty wild, but she never has had much sense of what the court really looks for when settling a high conflict divorce.
I'm humored by the idea that she edits my work extensively when she has edited exactly the same two pieces of work you commented on and edited. I appreciate her effort, and I've benefited, but it's not exactly like she's doing my job for me. How odd.
I know that she feels violated by my effort to bring some order into her life. I don't want to remind her that her constant complaining about you caused me to want to change the circumstances that prompted all the unhappiness. I also don't mind apologizing for causing her to feel violated and disrespected. Hosea, I did *not* respect much of what she said or wanted to do because it struck me as unproductive and incredibly self-centered. That does not mean that I won't take responsibility for what I did-I certainly threw a lot of her stuff away. Contra Friend, it is true to say that I had no idea the project would be so complex or difficult because I really couldn't know until I started working and began to understand why everything had fallen into such a state. Her need to be surrounded by things...incredible number of things that are useless and redundant says a great deal about her psychological state and helps explain why she could never leave you, even if she has fantasies about starting over.
I also know Wife won't break the friendship with me, particularly if she thinks we are involved. How could she possibly keep her eye on our relationship if she refuses to talk to me? It won't happen. And believe me, she hasn't begun to emotionally process the idea that you might be attractive to someone who is smart, physically well, and financially self-sufficient. For years, Wife figured you were incapable of love; you were "mechanical, all nuts and bolts," she used to tell me. Now she thinks that you are "more in touch with your feelings," but only because you hate Boyfriend 5 so much. The idea that you could actually love someone-and more importantly, be loved in return is a very new idea for her. It will change her view of you, and yes, cause her to feel betrayed by both of us. That's our responsibility to bear as well, and far more important than whether I threw away her father's pen.
Wife's fragile mental health concerns me. By definition, as a narcissist, Wife considers herself the center of your world, and to be fair, you have allowed her to do so for years. Wife has considered you unattractive, a nerd, only interested in ideas, and not capable of having friendships, let alone a romantic relationship that might be deeply satisfying to both partners. Yes, she has encouraged you to have an affair, but only a desperate mating without any genuine emotional content, certainly not a relationship of equals or a love relationship with a woman who is not a 'loser'. She has hoped you would move out and leave her everything...but I don't think she ever imagined you might stay for her sake, for the children, and yet find love somewhere else. She will feel victimized and she will feel confused. The confusion worries me because if Boyfriend 5 is not the person she hopes and believes him to be, she will demand your devotion and support. I also worry about her bringing the children into this situation, especially Son 2, and I worry about her telling [my husband]. I'll cross that Rubicon when I come there, but I don't look forward to that day. More relevant to your situation will be her resentment/insecurity, which is likely to make her even more difficult to live with than she is now. I am fully aware that you will never leave her, but that doesn't mean that your life will get any easier. I'm not sure how to react or quite what to do. Right now, I'm only deeply concerned.....
Sigh* It would be nice if Friend's rather rude comment about our sex life was true, but unfortunately, reality is considerably more difficult. Right now, only Friend seems capable of discussing our relationship; Wife is more concerned about the loss of her things, always more important than the persons in her life-you and the children are simply other things to be owned and bring her respect and admiration. When she begins to grapple with a very different reality and one that challenges her goals and assumptions...right now, I'm very concerned and sobered. I have to realize that none of this looks very promising for us. I remember at one point telling you that I left your presence to spare you the net of becoming involved with me. Now I find myself in a net of my own making, at least in part, and my courage quails. What you must be thinking...the distance I fear you will want to put into place between us if she truly insists upon your loyalty to her...and she will, if I am right ( for example, I imagine the celebration of your twenty-fifth year anniversary will be lavish and lovingly detailed to me. Sigh*). D, you signed up for this, knowing...but not knowing how much I would truly love you. That's the catch. When did the flame that has caught me become -- instead of the echo of lust -- the fire of love which expelled it forever?
When indeed? There’s no way I can answer D’s last question for her, but I do know we discussed it and nonetheless walked into it with our eyes open.
There is not time or bandwidth enough for me to post all the discussions that have ensued, but this sets up the themes that we have been talking about for the last month or so.
The discussion started simply. A day after she got back home, D wrote me an e-mail which said, in part:
Sigh* All I really want to do is write you, or better, hear your voice and plan to see you again. I have yet to really analyze what I experienced and learned while I was cleaning your home beyond what I have discussed with you. It's interesting; I find myself more grateful to have learned about how *you* react than how Wife reacts to various stresses in her life. My compassion is with her, but my intense curiosity and subsequent modification of my behavior-the creative endeavor that challenges me to examine myself and change-is all your doing. Guess that makes sense...it's not always easy to modify my approach or reaction, but it seems worthwhile and meaningful. Let's hope I become more sensitive to your needs and less misunderstanding and hurt occurs.
My reply was pretty pedestrian, but I was able to append part of a discussion between Wife and Friend, which I thought D might find interesting:
Friend: Did you have that serious talk with your friend yet. Or, if that were me, ex-friend? That would have really pissed me off. I mean for me, that's a deal breaker, right there.
Wife: I told her "thanks for coming out, and for all the hard work cleaning, but the next time we take on any kind of joint project I think we have to have expectations and boundaries clearly demarcated in advance, because I realize that Hosea is ecstatic with the results, but I feel disrespected and violated.
Friend: What did she say?
Wife: You know, she threw away my father's 1930's Parker fountain pen on the grounds that "it didn't look like I used it much"? It was dusty because I needed to buy a new bladder for it! She said that when she talked to me on the phone she had no idea of the scope of the project and once she saw it, she just realized it was going to have to be done faster (and with less regard for peoples' personal stuff, I suppose).
Friend: So she didn't apologise. That doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. It's not like she hasn't been to your house recently. She was there not that long ago as I recall. So she can't say that and be convincing.... I wouldn't do anymore joint projects unless I get a super, real, genuine apology. And do you think she and Hosea are involved? You'll know...Watch for sudden business trips. Not that that matters...much.
Wife: We won't be doing any more projects. I may continue to copy edit what she writes for her: thats it. Hosea...I don't know. Again last night he was gone in the middle of the night. He does this after I'm asleep -- just leaves for an hour or two on foot. They could be,. Their dynamic sure changed and I know she's unhappy in HER marriage just as he is unhappy with me. Sudden business trips actually happen for Hosea: but not in [the state where D lives] -- so watch for flights into [one big city near D] or [another big city near D]. Doesn't matter except that I know he's looking to frame me so as to better a divorce settlement.
Friend: Right. I'm sorry, but I think the friendship with Ms. D should end, but that's just me. She clearly didn't give a damn about your personal space, and as a friend for so many years, she could have at least said, "Where do you want X?" "What can I toss?" And what matters is that if they're having an affair, let them. Let them fuck like rabbits if they want, as long as you know about it.
Wife: No, she didnt apologise. She thought she did he right thing. For her, it's "out wit the old, in with the new". To me, her house is sterile; I could go to Ikea and replace it. To me, living among all the old stuff that has been passed on to me is what makes this "home" not just "house".
Friend: Especially since she didn't even have the good grace to say, "I'm sorry you felt violated. I never intended to make you feel that way." I would tell her you're not speaking/emailing/conversion with her till you get an apology, and a good one.
Wife: I feel violated and that both D and Hosea showed me a lack of respect. Hosea just says I set my boundaries in an insane place; .... [he also] invited me to take all my stuff with me to the Old Country. I pointed out that shipping was expensive and he said "Oh, well".
Friend: When did he say that? In other words, he wants you to leave. I'd take your stuff and move it back. Little by little so as not to be noticed.
Wife: Some of it I can, but much of it was THROWN IN THE TRASH CAN. I can't move it back in. The shelves that held my sewing stuff now hold the boys's trophies and Hosea's piles of papers. It was neatly organized, but the space to bring it back to is gone.
Friend: .... Well, still, I think you should tell her what I said. And I don't think you should be writing anything for her.
Wife: I will. And I'm still going to tell her that I feel very betrayed by having her go through my things and throw things away when she didn't even know what they were.
Friend: You should. And you should also tell her that you expect an apology or the friendship is over. Ok, I know I can't tell you what to do...I'm just saying.
Wife: I told her several times when she was here that she was crossing my boundaries and she kept doing so; therefore I dO deserve an apology. If only Hosea had backed me up....
To this, D responded (in part) as follows: ...
Dearest and beloved Hosea,I found your unabridged record of Friend/Wife's conversation fascinating. I don't suppose either of us is particularly surprised that she might have noticed that we seem to care for one another. It is interesting that she knew you were outside for hours; that's true, and given the circumstances, suspicious. The idea that you are waiting to frame her in some divorce settlement is pretty wild, but she never has had much sense of what the court really looks for when settling a high conflict divorce.
I'm humored by the idea that she edits my work extensively when she has edited exactly the same two pieces of work you commented on and edited. I appreciate her effort, and I've benefited, but it's not exactly like she's doing my job for me. How odd.
I know that she feels violated by my effort to bring some order into her life. I don't want to remind her that her constant complaining about you caused me to want to change the circumstances that prompted all the unhappiness. I also don't mind apologizing for causing her to feel violated and disrespected. Hosea, I did *not* respect much of what she said or wanted to do because it struck me as unproductive and incredibly self-centered. That does not mean that I won't take responsibility for what I did-I certainly threw a lot of her stuff away. Contra Friend, it is true to say that I had no idea the project would be so complex or difficult because I really couldn't know until I started working and began to understand why everything had fallen into such a state. Her need to be surrounded by things...incredible number of things that are useless and redundant says a great deal about her psychological state and helps explain why she could never leave you, even if she has fantasies about starting over.
I also know Wife won't break the friendship with me, particularly if she thinks we are involved. How could she possibly keep her eye on our relationship if she refuses to talk to me? It won't happen. And believe me, she hasn't begun to emotionally process the idea that you might be attractive to someone who is smart, physically well, and financially self-sufficient. For years, Wife figured you were incapable of love; you were "mechanical, all nuts and bolts," she used to tell me. Now she thinks that you are "more in touch with your feelings," but only because you hate Boyfriend 5 so much. The idea that you could actually love someone-and more importantly, be loved in return is a very new idea for her. It will change her view of you, and yes, cause her to feel betrayed by both of us. That's our responsibility to bear as well, and far more important than whether I threw away her father's pen.
Wife's fragile mental health concerns me. By definition, as a narcissist, Wife considers herself the center of your world, and to be fair, you have allowed her to do so for years. Wife has considered you unattractive, a nerd, only interested in ideas, and not capable of having friendships, let alone a romantic relationship that might be deeply satisfying to both partners. Yes, she has encouraged you to have an affair, but only a desperate mating without any genuine emotional content, certainly not a relationship of equals or a love relationship with a woman who is not a 'loser'. She has hoped you would move out and leave her everything...but I don't think she ever imagined you might stay for her sake, for the children, and yet find love somewhere else. She will feel victimized and she will feel confused. The confusion worries me because if Boyfriend 5 is not the person she hopes and believes him to be, she will demand your devotion and support. I also worry about her bringing the children into this situation, especially Son 2, and I worry about her telling [my husband]. I'll cross that Rubicon when I come there, but I don't look forward to that day. More relevant to your situation will be her resentment/insecurity, which is likely to make her even more difficult to live with than she is now. I am fully aware that you will never leave her, but that doesn't mean that your life will get any easier. I'm not sure how to react or quite what to do. Right now, I'm only deeply concerned.....
Sigh* It would be nice if Friend's rather rude comment about our sex life was true, but unfortunately, reality is considerably more difficult. Right now, only Friend seems capable of discussing our relationship; Wife is more concerned about the loss of her things, always more important than the persons in her life-you and the children are simply other things to be owned and bring her respect and admiration. When she begins to grapple with a very different reality and one that challenges her goals and assumptions...right now, I'm very concerned and sobered. I have to realize that none of this looks very promising for us. I remember at one point telling you that I left your presence to spare you the net of becoming involved with me. Now I find myself in a net of my own making, at least in part, and my courage quails. What you must be thinking...the distance I fear you will want to put into place between us if she truly insists upon your loyalty to her...and she will, if I am right ( for example, I imagine the celebration of your twenty-fifth year anniversary will be lavish and lovingly detailed to me. Sigh*). D, you signed up for this, knowing...but not knowing how much I would truly love you. That's the catch. When did the flame that has caught me become -- instead of the echo of lust -- the fire of love which expelled it forever?
When indeed? There’s no way I can answer D’s last question for her, but I do know we discussed it and nonetheless walked into it with our eyes open.
There is not time or bandwidth enough for me to post all the discussions that have ensued, but this sets up the themes that we have been talking about for the last month or so.
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Second date 7, "I'm glad you came"
Saturday dawned. The job -- as it had been scoped -- was done. There was some talk of doing more, maybe taking down the Christmas tree or vacuuming the dining room or something. But I insisted that we were through. We had cleaned the kitchen, the study, both bathrooms, ... and the boys' bedroom in the bargain. That was enough and it was time to rest.
So we spent Saturday morning just visiting, as if we were friends getting together over the Christmas holidays and nothing more. D and Wife spent some time together talking, D and I spent some time walking around the block talking, we went out for lunch before D had to go to the airport ... and it was all in all a pleasant and relaxing day, after a week like no other. It was tempting to hope that all the animosities and hurt feelings had vanished, but of course it never works like that. But for that day, we were all just too tired to sustain them.
As D and Wife were talking, Wife said, "I'm glad you came, because it gave Hosea somebody to talk to. You know, he always wants to talk about things like politics and philosophy and stuff like that, and it just bores me to tears. But you think about those things too, or at least you were willing to humor him. So it gave him somebody to talk to, and I'm glad." D smiled to herself and said merely, "Oh I could sit and listen to Hosea talk for hours."
A little later, D and I were walking around the block talking, and I expressed the fear which had been nagging at the back of my head all week -- namely, that this was a hell of a way for her to spend her Christmas vacation, and I was worried that she would regret it. Oh no, she told me, she wouldn't have traded this for the world. She learned so much about us by staying with us for a week -- far more than she had learned in 19 years of being Wife's friend -- that she found it absolutely invaluable. So that was another fear quieted.
And then it was lunchtime. D had been promising to take the boys out for dessert ever since Monday, as a reward for all their hard work, but it had never worked out. So she asked them where they wanted to go for lunch. They picked a spaghetti restaurant nearby, so that's where we went. Then after lunch, we walked down the street a few doors to an ice cream parlor, and D bought us all whatever decadent ice cream dessert our hearts desired. Wife and I each stuck to something simple (as did D herself), but the boys went all out -- and in fairness, they had been waiting almost a whole week for this treat, and they had worked hard to earn it. I no longer remember all the extras they ordered; all I remember is that Son 2's looked truly weird. But he enjoyed every bite.
Then to the airport. D checked in for her flight, we all hugged, and she went off to the gate. And we went home. There was still a day and a half left in the weekend, but we were all exhausted The week was over.
.
So we spent Saturday morning just visiting, as if we were friends getting together over the Christmas holidays and nothing more. D and Wife spent some time together talking, D and I spent some time walking around the block talking, we went out for lunch before D had to go to the airport ... and it was all in all a pleasant and relaxing day, after a week like no other. It was tempting to hope that all the animosities and hurt feelings had vanished, but of course it never works like that. But for that day, we were all just too tired to sustain them.
As D and Wife were talking, Wife said, "I'm glad you came, because it gave Hosea somebody to talk to. You know, he always wants to talk about things like politics and philosophy and stuff like that, and it just bores me to tears. But you think about those things too, or at least you were willing to humor him. So it gave him somebody to talk to, and I'm glad." D smiled to herself and said merely, "Oh I could sit and listen to Hosea talk for hours."
A little later, D and I were walking around the block talking, and I expressed the fear which had been nagging at the back of my head all week -- namely, that this was a hell of a way for her to spend her Christmas vacation, and I was worried that she would regret it. Oh no, she told me, she wouldn't have traded this for the world. She learned so much about us by staying with us for a week -- far more than she had learned in 19 years of being Wife's friend -- that she found it absolutely invaluable. So that was another fear quieted.
And then it was lunchtime. D had been promising to take the boys out for dessert ever since Monday, as a reward for all their hard work, but it had never worked out. So she asked them where they wanted to go for lunch. They picked a spaghetti restaurant nearby, so that's where we went. Then after lunch, we walked down the street a few doors to an ice cream parlor, and D bought us all whatever decadent ice cream dessert our hearts desired. Wife and I each stuck to something simple (as did D herself), but the boys went all out -- and in fairness, they had been waiting almost a whole week for this treat, and they had worked hard to earn it. I no longer remember all the extras they ordered; all I remember is that Son 2's looked truly weird. But he enjoyed every bite.
Then to the airport. D checked in for her flight, we all hugged, and she went off to the gate. And we went home. There was still a day and a half left in the weekend, but we were all exhausted The week was over.
.
Monday, January 26, 2009
News links from D ....
OK, these links have nothing to do with any of the story lines in this blog, but the first one is funny and the other is fascinating ... and they were both sent to me by D.
A little background: last week I was chatting with a couple of women from our Human Resources department. As an aside, one of them mentioned a luncheon they had both gone to, where some specialist gave a speech full of gloomy economic prognostications. And the other added that she had heard that Larry Flynt has made a public statement to the effect that the porn industry needs a bailout -- or at any rate, he has said that if all these other industries are getting free money, he wants some too. So she started riffing on how absurd this was: after all, she speculated, surely if any industry were recession-proof it would be the porn industry. In tough times, when people are feeling depressed and in need of a quick pick-me-up, she went on, surely porn would be flourishing. In the middle of this, the first one suddenly pointed at me to say, "Look how red his face is getting!" And I excused myself to go back to my desk and get some work done.
Or at any rate to write my girlfriend all about it .... So I sent my story to D and she replied back with a link to an article about this very issue. You can find it here.
Then this morning, she sent me a link to an entirely different article -- an extended review of the current sexological research into the question "What Do Women Want?" Her accompanying e-mail was a bit more cautious this time:
Beloved Hosea,...I send you this article with some trepidation, but it's so interesting, and, with some embarrassment, but recognition, I acknowledge much of what the researchers discuss...see what you think. I love you, so much, in every way.
Here's the link.
I am, of course, powerfully curious which findings she recognizes so well, but I may have to wait for a more auspicious time to ask her -- for example, in person and not over e-mail. Maybe a good motive for me to find an occasion to get away, as if I needed another motive ...?
.
A little background: last week I was chatting with a couple of women from our Human Resources department. As an aside, one of them mentioned a luncheon they had both gone to, where some specialist gave a speech full of gloomy economic prognostications. And the other added that she had heard that Larry Flynt has made a public statement to the effect that the porn industry needs a bailout -- or at any rate, he has said that if all these other industries are getting free money, he wants some too. So she started riffing on how absurd this was: after all, she speculated, surely if any industry were recession-proof it would be the porn industry. In tough times, when people are feeling depressed and in need of a quick pick-me-up, she went on, surely porn would be flourishing. In the middle of this, the first one suddenly pointed at me to say, "Look how red his face is getting!" And I excused myself to go back to my desk and get some work done.
Or at any rate to write my girlfriend all about it .... So I sent my story to D and she replied back with a link to an article about this very issue. You can find it here.
Then this morning, she sent me a link to an entirely different article -- an extended review of the current sexological research into the question "What Do Women Want?" Her accompanying e-mail was a bit more cautious this time:
Beloved Hosea,...I send you this article with some trepidation, but it's so interesting, and, with some embarrassment, but recognition, I acknowledge much of what the researchers discuss...see what you think. I love you, so much, in every way.
Here's the link.
I am, of course, powerfully curious which findings she recognizes so well, but I may have to wait for a more auspicious time to ask her -- for example, in person and not over e-mail. Maybe a good motive for me to find an occasion to get away, as if I needed another motive ...?
.
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Second date 6, The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come
Friday morning, D was scrubbing the bathrooms while I sorted papers in the (now usable) study. At one point she came into the study for a moment and said, "This should really be the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come for you." I looked up quizzically but she had gone back to work.
A little later, I stuck my head in while she was working and asked "The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come"? She agreed without breaking her concentration for a moment, "Yes, exactly."
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I didn't think it was a good time to ask her to explain.
It might have been a long time before I had a chance to ask her what she meant, were it not -- oddly enough -- for Boyfriend 5. Now, I haven't written a lot about Boyfriend 5 for a long time, and indeed he hadn't been in evidence this whole week. Honestly I had given no attention to his disappearance, because there was so much else going on that I hadn't noticed one way or the other. But Wife had been doing a lot less of the work during this week -- and had spent a lot more of her time lying in bed with a headache -- so she was painfully aware that it had been days since she had heard anything from Boyfriend 5, since before Christmas in fact. Where was he? Why hadn't he been in touch with her? Why was there no word from him at all?
I had no idea that Wife was going through these agonies; but when D took a break between bathrooms, Wife poured out her heart to her. She was desperately worried, she was lonely, she was afraid something had happened, she didn't know what to think -- but where was he? Why hadn't he contacted her in all this time? What was she going to do?
Wife was crying by this time. D asked her, Have you tried to IM him?
Yes, and I've heard nothing.
Have you tried to call him?
I don't have his phone number, and anyway he is in the Old Country so the call would be way too expensive.
Do you know anybody else you could call?
Oh sure, I have the phone number of a close friend of his in the States ... but I haven't called him either.
What? If you are this upset, why haven't you called Friend?
Hosea would never allow it. I've told you how controlling he is, and he has such an irrational hatred of these people that he would forbid me to make the call.
He'd forbid it? How could he do that?
Oh, D, you don't have any idea how awful Hosea can be.
D smiled to herself, and then asked, How about if I get him out of the house for an hour? Could you call Friend then?
Yes, oh please, I would love to. But Hosea is so awful and so controlling -- do you think you could possibly pull him away from this clean-up task?
Let me try.
Oh thank you D, you're a true friend!
D walked into the study where I was still sorting papers, oblivious to the drama that was playing out in the next room. She said peremptorily, "Hosea, come with me. Walk and talk." I had no idea what was going on, but of course I was glad to take a break and spend a little time with D ... so I dropped what I was doing and we went out to walk around the block.
Of course my first question was, To what do I owe the break? D filled me in briefly on the situation with Boyfriend 5, and how Wife wanted to call Friend. This told me we had at least an hour to walk around ... not enough time to go back to D's motel, but plenty of time to talk.
So my second question was, What did you mean by your remark about the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?
D said, Oh that. All I meant was that having someone else scrubbing your bathrooms for you should be like the Ghost appearing to talk to you. Sorry, I thought that was clear.
I'm still mystified.
Let me try to spell it out. Do you remember Dickens's story A Christmas Carol? The three Ghosts appear to Scrooge, and they show him Christmases Past, Present, and Future. But there is more to it than just showing him these scenes. The message that they keep repeating is "You have to change the life you have been leading. If you don't amend your life -- your whole life -- then this is how it is going to be from here on out." And Hosea, that's how it is for you. You have been living a certain way, and I have seen more of your life in this week than I ever saw before in nineteen years. And you can't keep living like this! Or you can, ... but if you do then this is the way your life is going to look, on into the future forever. Hosea, life can be glorious and golden and rich and joyful -- and you are missing all of that. And the state of your house just shows this so plainly. You can't keep waiting. You can't keep waiting for Wife to change, for her to be more responsible around the house, for her to feel more joy in her own life or to communicate any more joy to the people around her. If you keep waiting, nothing is going to happen. If you keep waiting for her to take some initiative around the house, you will never be rid of the squalor. And if you keep waiting for her to feel joy before you let yourself feel any joy, then life is going to pass you by completely. And it doesn't have to be like that.
Do you remember, she went on, how you once told me that for you love is not an emotion? You used the metaphor of the ocean, and you said that love isn't the splashing and spray up on the surface, which come and go with the weather, be it calm or storm. You said love is more like the rock floor underneath, which is absolutely solid and which stays the same always -- regardless of the storms up above. It's a perfect metaphor, but you missed the most important part. After all, the most vital part of the ocean -- the part that gives life to our whole planet -- are the currents, which are between the surface and the floor. They are permanent too, or almost -- the Gulf Stream has flowed the same way for hundreds of years, if not thousands. But they aren't static, like the rock floor. The are always in motion, always surging, always alive. That's what love really is! Yes, it is stable and steady; no, it doesn't come and go with trivia. But it moves, it is alive, and it gives life to everyone around it. This is what you have been missing from your life, and you have got to change your life before it's too late -- so you don't continue to miss it forever.
I hardly knew what to say at this point. D was no longer just talking as we walked -- she had turned to me directly, practically pinning me to a hedge by the sidewalk, and was urging me passionately, from the heart. But it was hard for me to translate this into concrete advice, something I could start doing tomorrow. Did she mean that I should be more diligent in cleaning the house, or that I should run away with her to Australia?
I tried to ask, somewhat feebly, what all this meant for me in daily life.
Hosea, she replied in a tone halfway between exasperation and pleading, you have CDs in your cabinet that were Christmas gifts a year ago, that are still wrapped in cellophane. This doesn't have to be mysterious -- if you want somewhere to start, rip off the damned cellophane and play the music! Music was made to be enjoyed, to be lived -- this is the stuff that love is made out of! Don't leave it wrapped up in the god-damned cellophane for eternity. Don't make your boys grow up their whole childhoods in silence. Fill your house with music! That would be a start, at least ...!
OK, that I can do.
This walk gave me a lot to think about. D spoke with such passion and urgency that I'm not at all sure I understood it all. I'm not even sure I remember everything she said. But the part I do remember? I'm going to have to think about this for a long time before I am confident I understand it. I also know that it is important.
A little later, I stuck my head in while she was working and asked "The Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come"? She agreed without breaking her concentration for a moment, "Yes, exactly."
I had no idea what she was talking about, but I didn't think it was a good time to ask her to explain.
It might have been a long time before I had a chance to ask her what she meant, were it not -- oddly enough -- for Boyfriend 5. Now, I haven't written a lot about Boyfriend 5 for a long time, and indeed he hadn't been in evidence this whole week. Honestly I had given no attention to his disappearance, because there was so much else going on that I hadn't noticed one way or the other. But Wife had been doing a lot less of the work during this week -- and had spent a lot more of her time lying in bed with a headache -- so she was painfully aware that it had been days since she had heard anything from Boyfriend 5, since before Christmas in fact. Where was he? Why hadn't he been in touch with her? Why was there no word from him at all?
I had no idea that Wife was going through these agonies; but when D took a break between bathrooms, Wife poured out her heart to her. She was desperately worried, she was lonely, she was afraid something had happened, she didn't know what to think -- but where was he? Why hadn't he contacted her in all this time? What was she going to do?
Wife was crying by this time. D asked her, Have you tried to IM him?
Yes, and I've heard nothing.
Have you tried to call him?
I don't have his phone number, and anyway he is in the Old Country so the call would be way too expensive.
Do you know anybody else you could call?
Oh sure, I have the phone number of a close friend of his in the States ... but I haven't called him either.
What? If you are this upset, why haven't you called Friend?
Hosea would never allow it. I've told you how controlling he is, and he has such an irrational hatred of these people that he would forbid me to make the call.
He'd forbid it? How could he do that?
Oh, D, you don't have any idea how awful Hosea can be.
D smiled to herself, and then asked, How about if I get him out of the house for an hour? Could you call Friend then?
Yes, oh please, I would love to. But Hosea is so awful and so controlling -- do you think you could possibly pull him away from this clean-up task?
Let me try.
Oh thank you D, you're a true friend!
D walked into the study where I was still sorting papers, oblivious to the drama that was playing out in the next room. She said peremptorily, "Hosea, come with me. Walk and talk." I had no idea what was going on, but of course I was glad to take a break and spend a little time with D ... so I dropped what I was doing and we went out to walk around the block.
Of course my first question was, To what do I owe the break? D filled me in briefly on the situation with Boyfriend 5, and how Wife wanted to call Friend. This told me we had at least an hour to walk around ... not enough time to go back to D's motel, but plenty of time to talk.
So my second question was, What did you mean by your remark about the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come?
D said, Oh that. All I meant was that having someone else scrubbing your bathrooms for you should be like the Ghost appearing to talk to you. Sorry, I thought that was clear.
I'm still mystified.
Let me try to spell it out. Do you remember Dickens's story A Christmas Carol? The three Ghosts appear to Scrooge, and they show him Christmases Past, Present, and Future. But there is more to it than just showing him these scenes. The message that they keep repeating is "You have to change the life you have been leading. If you don't amend your life -- your whole life -- then this is how it is going to be from here on out." And Hosea, that's how it is for you. You have been living a certain way, and I have seen more of your life in this week than I ever saw before in nineteen years. And you can't keep living like this! Or you can, ... but if you do then this is the way your life is going to look, on into the future forever. Hosea, life can be glorious and golden and rich and joyful -- and you are missing all of that. And the state of your house just shows this so plainly. You can't keep waiting. You can't keep waiting for Wife to change, for her to be more responsible around the house, for her to feel more joy in her own life or to communicate any more joy to the people around her. If you keep waiting, nothing is going to happen. If you keep waiting for her to take some initiative around the house, you will never be rid of the squalor. And if you keep waiting for her to feel joy before you let yourself feel any joy, then life is going to pass you by completely. And it doesn't have to be like that.
Do you remember, she went on, how you once told me that for you love is not an emotion? You used the metaphor of the ocean, and you said that love isn't the splashing and spray up on the surface, which come and go with the weather, be it calm or storm. You said love is more like the rock floor underneath, which is absolutely solid and which stays the same always -- regardless of the storms up above. It's a perfect metaphor, but you missed the most important part. After all, the most vital part of the ocean -- the part that gives life to our whole planet -- are the currents, which are between the surface and the floor. They are permanent too, or almost -- the Gulf Stream has flowed the same way for hundreds of years, if not thousands. But they aren't static, like the rock floor. The are always in motion, always surging, always alive. That's what love really is! Yes, it is stable and steady; no, it doesn't come and go with trivia. But it moves, it is alive, and it gives life to everyone around it. This is what you have been missing from your life, and you have got to change your life before it's too late -- so you don't continue to miss it forever.
I hardly knew what to say at this point. D was no longer just talking as we walked -- she had turned to me directly, practically pinning me to a hedge by the sidewalk, and was urging me passionately, from the heart. But it was hard for me to translate this into concrete advice, something I could start doing tomorrow. Did she mean that I should be more diligent in cleaning the house, or that I should run away with her to Australia?
I tried to ask, somewhat feebly, what all this meant for me in daily life.
Hosea, she replied in a tone halfway between exasperation and pleading, you have CDs in your cabinet that were Christmas gifts a year ago, that are still wrapped in cellophane. This doesn't have to be mysterious -- if you want somewhere to start, rip off the damned cellophane and play the music! Music was made to be enjoyed, to be lived -- this is the stuff that love is made out of! Don't leave it wrapped up in the god-damned cellophane for eternity. Don't make your boys grow up their whole childhoods in silence. Fill your house with music! That would be a start, at least ...!
OK, that I can do.
This walk gave me a lot to think about. D spoke with such passion and urgency that I'm not at all sure I understood it all. I'm not even sure I remember everything she said. But the part I do remember? I'm going to have to think about this for a long time before I am confident I understand it. I also know that it is important.
.
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