Trying to understand the week

After the week-long Cleaning Project From Hell was finally over (see all the posts titled “Second date” for a detailed account), we all had a lot to think about. D and I tried to understand what had gone on by discussing it over e-mail. Wife did her processing partly through IM’s with one of Boyfriend 5’s friends (identified here as Friend), and partly through daily phone calls with D (described by D in e-mails to me). D and I also talked a lot at night (as I describe here), but obviously I don’t have transcripts for any of those conversations.

The discussion started simply. A day after she got back home, D wrote me an e-mail which said, in part:

Sigh* All I really want to do is write you, or better, hear your voice and plan to see you again. I have yet to really analyze what I experienced and learned while I was cleaning your home beyond what I have discussed with you. It's interesting; I find myself more grateful to have learned about how *you* react than how Wife reacts to various stresses in her life. My compassion is with her, but my intense curiosity and subsequent modification of my behavior-the creative endeavor that challenges me to examine myself and change-is all your doing. Guess that makes sense...it's not always easy to modify my approach or reaction, but it seems worthwhile and meaningful. Let's hope I become more sensitive to your needs and less misunderstanding and hurt occurs.

My reply was pretty pedestrian, but I was able to append part of a discussion between Wife and Friend, which I thought D might find interesting:

Friend: Did you have that serious talk with your friend yet. Or, if that were me, ex-friend? That would have really pissed me off. I mean for me, that's a deal breaker, right there.
Wife: I told her "thanks for coming out, and for all the hard work cleaning, but the next time we take on any kind of joint project I think we have to have expectations and boundaries clearly demarcated in advance, because I realize that Hosea is ecstatic with the results, but I feel disrespected and violated.
Friend: What did she say?
Wife: You know, she threw away my father's 1930's Parker fountain pen on the grounds that "it didn't look like I used it much"? It was dusty because I needed to buy a new bladder for it! She said that when she talked to me on the phone she had no idea of the scope of the project and once she saw it, she just realized it was going to have to be done faster (and with less regard for peoples' personal stuff, I suppose).
Friend: So she didn't apologise. That doesn't make sense. I'm sorry. It's not like she hasn't been to your house recently. She was there not that long ago as I recall. So she can't say that and be convincing.... I wouldn't do anymore joint projects unless I get a super, real, genuine apology. And do you think she and Hosea are involved? You'll know...Watch for sudden business trips. Not that that matters...much.
Wife: We won't be doing any more projects. I may continue to copy edit what she writes for her: thats it. Hosea...I don't know. Again last night he was gone in the middle of the night. He does this after I'm asleep -- just leaves for an hour or two on foot. They could be,. Their dynamic sure changed and I know she's unhappy in HER marriage just as he is unhappy with me. Sudden business trips actually happen for Hosea: but not in [the state where D lives] -- so watch for flights into [one big city near D] or [another big city near D]. Doesn't matter except that I know he's looking to frame me so as to better a divorce settlement.
Friend: Right. I'm sorry, but I think the friendship with Ms. D should end, but that's just me. She clearly didn't give a damn about your personal space, and as a friend for so many years, she could have at least said, "Where do you want X?" "What can I toss?" And what matters is that if they're having an affair, let them. Let them fuck like rabbits if they want, as long as you know about it.
Wife: No, she didnt apologise. She thought she did he right thing. For her, it's "out wit the old, in with the new". To me, her house is sterile; I could go to Ikea and replace it. To me, living among all the old stuff that has been passed on to me is what makes this "home" not just "house".
Friend: Especially since she didn't even have the good grace to say, "I'm sorry you felt violated. I never intended to make you feel that way." I would tell her you're not speaking/emailing/conversion with her till you get an apology, and a good one.
Wife: I feel violated and that both D and Hosea showed me a lack of respect. Hosea just says I set my boundaries in an insane place; .... [he also] invited me to take all my stuff with me to the Old Country. I pointed out that shipping was expensive and he said "Oh, well".
Friend: When did he say that? In other words, he wants you to leave. I'd take your stuff and move it back. Little by little so as not to be noticed.
Wife: Some of it I can, but much of it was THROWN IN THE TRASH CAN. I can't move it back in. The shelves that held my sewing stuff now hold the boys's trophies and Hosea's piles of papers. It was neatly organized, but the space to bring it back to is gone.
Friend: .... Well, still, I think you should tell her what I said. And I don't think you should be writing anything for her.
Wife: I will. And I'm still going to tell her that I feel very betrayed by having her go through my things and throw things away when she didn't even know what they were.
Friend: You should. And you should also tell her that you expect an apology or the friendship is over. Ok, I know I can't tell you what to do...I'm just saying.
Wife: I told her several times when she was here that she was crossing my boundaries and she kept doing so; therefore I dO deserve an apology. If only Hosea had backed me up....

To this, D responded (in part) as follows: ...

Dearest and beloved Hosea,I found your unabridged record of Friend/Wife's conversation fascinating. I don't suppose either of us is particularly surprised that she might have noticed that we seem to care for one another. It is interesting that she knew you were outside for hours; that's true, and given the circumstances, suspicious. The idea that you are waiting to frame her in some divorce settlement is pretty wild, but she never has had much sense of what the court really looks for when settling a high conflict divorce.

I'm humored by the idea that she edits my work extensively when she has edited exactly the same two pieces of work you commented on and edited. I appreciate her effort, and I've benefited, but it's not exactly like she's doing my job for me. How odd.

I know that she feels violated by my effort to bring some order into her life. I don't want to remind her that her constant complaining about you caused me to want to change the circumstances that prompted all the unhappiness. I also don't mind apologizing for causing her to feel violated and disrespected. Hosea, I did *not* respect much of what she said or wanted to do because it struck me as unproductive and incredibly self-centered. That does not mean that I won't take responsibility for what I did-I certainly threw a lot of her stuff away. Contra Friend, it is true to say that I had no idea the project would be so complex or difficult because I really couldn't know until I started working and began to understand why everything had fallen into such a state. Her need to be surrounded by things...incredible number of things that are useless and redundant says a great deal about her psychological state and helps explain why she could never leave you, even if she has fantasies about starting over.

I also know Wife won't break the friendship with me, particularly if she thinks we are involved. How could she possibly keep her eye on our relationship if she refuses to talk to me? It won't happen. And believe me, she hasn't begun to emotionally process the idea that you might be attractive to someone who is smart, physically well, and financially self-sufficient. For years, Wife figured you were incapable of love; you were "mechanical, all nuts and bolts," she used to tell me. Now she thinks that you are "more in touch with your feelings," but only because you hate Boyfriend 5 so much. The idea that you could actually love someone-and more importantly, be loved in return is a very new idea for her. It will change her view of you, and yes, cause her to feel betrayed by both of us. That's our responsibility to bear as well, and far more important than whether I threw away her father's pen.

Wife's fragile mental health concerns me. By definition, as a narcissist, Wife considers herself the center of your world, and to be fair, you have allowed her to do so for years. Wife has considered you unattractive, a nerd, only interested in ideas, and not capable of having friendships, let alone a romantic relationship that might be deeply satisfying to both partners. Yes, she has encouraged you to have an affair, but only a desperate mating without any genuine emotional content, certainly not a relationship of equals or a love relationship with a woman who is not a 'loser'. She has hoped you would move out and leave her everything...but I don't think she ever imagined you might stay for her sake, for the children, and yet find love somewhere else. She will feel victimized and she will feel confused. The confusion worries me because if Boyfriend 5 is not the person she hopes and believes him to be, she will demand your devotion and support. I also worry about her bringing the children into this situation, especially Son 2, and I worry about her telling [my husband]. I'll cross that Rubicon when I come there, but I don't look forward to that day. More relevant to your situation will be her resentment/insecurity, which is likely to make her even more difficult to live with than she is now. I am fully aware that you will never leave her, but that doesn't mean that your life will get any easier. I'm not sure how to react or quite what to do. Right now, I'm only deeply concerned.....

Sigh* It would be nice if Friend's rather rude comment about our sex life was true, but unfortunately, reality is considerably more difficult. Right now, only Friend seems capable of discussing our relationship; Wife is more concerned about the loss of her things, always more important than the persons in her life-you and the children are simply other things to be owned and bring her respect and admiration. When she begins to grapple with a very different reality and one that challenges her goals and assumptions...right now, I'm very concerned and sobered. I have to realize that none of this looks very promising for us. I remember at one point telling you that I left your presence to spare you the net of becoming involved with me. Now I find myself in a net of my own making, at least in part, and my courage quails. What you must be thinking...the distance I fear you will want to put into place between us if she truly insists upon your loyalty to her...and she will, if I am right ( for example, I imagine the celebration of your twenty-fifth year anniversary will be lavish and lovingly detailed to me. Sigh*). D, you signed up for this, knowing...but not knowing how much I would truly love you. That's the catch. When did the flame that has caught me become -- instead of the echo of lust -- the fire of love which expelled it forever?

When indeed? There’s no way I can answer D’s last question for her, but I do know we discussed it and nonetheless walked into it with our eyes open.

There is not time or bandwidth enough for me to post all the discussions that have ensued, but this sets up the themes that we have been talking about for the last month or so.