For the past week, D has been staying with us again. This time she is actually staying in the house, on the floor of our study; her thought is that by not staying in a hotel, she'll save enough money that we can see each other again later in the summer as well. The thought was that she would help with just cleaning. She arranged this visit with Wife (although Wife later insisted that the visit was against her will), and promised up front that she wouldn’t throw anything away. In the end, a lot of stuff has (deservedly) gotten thrown out, although it has been perhaps something of a technicality who threw it away. Any way you look at it, it has been a really intense week.
I don’t know how to describe what has happened, how to make sense of it, how to explain plausibly the things we all have said and done, the choices we all have made. I am struggling to find a narrative angle that will allow me to narrate coherently how the week has gone ... how we have unloaded bags of trash, dozens of shirts, and somewhere over a thousand books ... how I have seen D at her best on waves of ecstatic bliss, and at her worst shrieking like a harpy at Wife ... how I have seen Wife sink deeper and deeper, from sullen resentment through systematic lies into a world that has no visible connection with this one ... how I have listened to D accuse Wife of deep-seated evil, and of betraying the bright and promising woman she used to be; and accuse me of aiding, abetting, and enabling that evil and that betrayal for decades ... how I have listened to Wife accuse D in turn of betraying their friendship, me of betraying our marriage, and both of us of tyrannizing over her ... how in the last two days I have confiscated Wife’s wallet, her cell phone, and her Smith & Wesson ... how my parents finally had a chance to meet D (who was enchanted by them – I haven’t heard from them yet), and how I finally allowed them to see the sick and damned space that Wife’s mind has come to inhabit ... how I have come to guess that the charade (D’s and mine) may well be over, and how I have come to be convinced that the marriage (Wife’s and mine) is almost certainly over.
The visit isn’t over yet (D leaves on Monday), but I am shell-shocked by it. My own mood has been bouncing around up, down, and sideways. At times I have found it scary to be with either woman, and have just longed for a little peace and quiet. But my longing for peace and quiet may be at the heart of the enabling and abetting that D correctly sees I have practised for so many years.
I fear that the bare facts of the narrative will make me look bad. I can only say they made sense at the time. I hope I can make them make sense to you.
To be continued ....
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4 comments:
Hosea,
You know that I love you, and that I respect what you are trying to do. But you are doing your sons no favor by keeping them in this inter-co-dependent mess, ruled alternately by the whims of two strong women in a love-hate relationship.
I had a husband who confiscated my wallet, out of love, he said. When it comes to that, it is no longer love. It is power and obligation and any number of things, but not a single one of them beautiful.
Act. If you can't do it for yourself, do it for your sons. Protect them from the ugliness. Give your wife some dignity in their eyes. Seek wise counsel from places other than your lover and the infidelity blogosphere.
Talk to your couselor alone, and another couselor for a second opinion. Talk to your pastor.
Please. For your sons. Do something. And do it soon.
In the end, when we open our eyes to the ugly truth, we all look bad. And I don't just mean the Unfaithful among us. All.
Writing helps. Though for me it easily becomes another self-justification or narcissism, yet it's a way of getting at the truth.
Mags' comments bring tears to my eyes. It's better advice than anything I might say right now.
My own instinct was a comment bred from the amazement I feel at this little glimpse of D's visit.
I am also amazed (and in a part of my heart, a tad appalled) that you would have your wife and lover under the same roof, one controlling the other in some way in turns, and their dysfunctional relationship on display. I also continue to be amazed (and more than a tad appalled) at D brazenly coming into her lover's home and continuing the charade of friendship with Wife. Yes, it was a friendship much longer than your affair. And yet, I cannot help but put myself in Wife's shoes. I would feel beyond betrayed. More so by her actions than yours.
I am not one of those women who blame the mistress. So it's not about that. The bonds of female friendship (for me) have surpassed any other bond I've had in my life, beyond blood or marriage (with the exception of my sisters with whom I share both blood and the bond of female friendship.)
(The bond of mother and child may surpass it, but it is so entirely different that it cannot really be compared.)
Seeing her betrayal of her female bond with Wife in that way, I cannot help but question all her other motives. Is D cleaning house in more ways than with garbage bags and disinfectants? Is she manipulating situations to convince you of something that will drive a bigger wedge between you and Wife? Is she putting herself in a position of starting to mother your boys?
All is in question for me. I could be friends with a woman who cheated on her husband or was another woman's husband's mistress. I could not be friends with a women who became her friend's husband's mistress.
I'm sorry to sound so harsh.
All of that ran through my head, but I wasn't planning on writing it. And then I read what Mags said. It is very eloquent and rings true to me. So much that I thought I should go ahead and share these thoughts.
Whatever the outcome of D's visit, I hope that at some point you will begin an ascent from the hell you are in now.
Well, I don't know what to think of this, even from my comfortable situation of being not at all personally involved.
I think Mags and Kyra make an exceptionally good point about the presence of your lover in your home. Trust me that I don't come at this from any sort of moral high ground (my lover was not ever staying under my roof, but she was a regular part of our life -- though not as a personal friend of my wife), but rather from the perspective that it does indeed make everything even worse than it already is. I've any number of regrets about my affair, this is far from the least of them.
I will diverge from Mags in one area though: if your wife is indeed as unstable as you say (and I've no reason to believe she's not) relieving her of certain things (financial instruments and in particular instruments of death) is just a smart thing to do. I wouldn't feel like I was part of the patriarchy or that I was holding anyone down under such a scenario.
Then again, the gun is the thing that's really striking me, moreso than the wallet. Admittedly I'm not a part of the gun culture (believing, as I do that the "militia" part of the second amendment actually means something). Plus I have the perspective of having read your next post and seeing that access to money and mobility are not affected by this...
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