When I e-mailed Aunt J asking her what happened with Father that brought about his refusing to speak to them for a couple years, she wrote me as follows:
The incident in question probably occurred between 2000 and 2004. As I remember it was around Christmas and Aunt C was staying with our family. (Probably her, Cousin 1 and Cousin 2). We all drove over to your parents’ house for some event around the holidays, and I thought everything was normal (whatever) until we got back and Cousin 2 was very quiet. Finally she burst into tears and reported that your father had "felt her up." We had a long conversation and Uncle was nominated to talk to him. I don't know if it was in person, by phone or by email but the result was anger and a period of a couple years of not having any contact. Things got patched up and went along in a manner of co-existence for a while until the Thanksgiving after which Aunt C, your mom and I made a short " girl" trip. That ended rather badly when we met the men at the music center and then had dinner nearby. I remember your father as being particularly offensive and I let him know, I think via email. He answered that I was too sensitive and should grow up. I answered that I was not going to argue about the past. The only thing I asked was that in the future, if I asked him to stop a line of conversation or behavior, that he would. That apparently was the wrong thing to have asked because that produced a very long period of non communication.
On another note, what did Brother say about his health, other than that it is not good. I am feeling a little bit guilty because I still harbor resentment and anger, but I want to be supportive in a difficult time.
I replied as follows:
OK, so the reality was somewhere in between his version and what I imagined: not so organized or structured an event as I imagined, but clearly referencing concrete behavior rather than the evanescent nothings that show up in his version. Thank you.
Under the circumstances, I think anger and resentment are completely natural. Of course it’s good if you can avoid getting stuck in them forever, but the real reason it’s good is that anger and resentment are icky and unpleasant things to feel. Finding a way to extricate yourself from them isn’t so much an obligation, the way I see it, as it is just a happier way to live. What has helped me is that I finally came to understand that he really, truly, deeply, profoundly cannot see the other person’s point of view. At all. For a lot of years this frustrated me very much, because I really felt strongly that he OUGHT to be able to see the other person’s point of view. That’s a fundamental part of what it is to be an adult human being. Of course it is. But finally I came around to the point of view that asks, “All this frustration you’ve been feeling all these years, … what good is it doing you? All this moral indignation you’ve been feeling that your father refuses to grow up … is it making him grow up? Do you see any changes?” Putting the question that way, I realized that no, in all that time I had seen no changes. So was it doing me any good to expect it of him? Well if he hasn’t learned to grow up in the last four-to-five decades that I’ve known him, and if he hadn’t done it in the two-and-a-half decades before I was even born, then the odds are heavily against his finally seeing the light in the last couple of years before he dies. So I’ve decided to reclassify his behavior as a handicap. Some people have physical handicaps, because their eyes or legs don’t work right. Well, my dad has a moral handicap because his empathy gland doesn’t work right. That doesn’t mean I have to put myself in his path and allow myself to become a victim – quite the reverse! Just as – when you see a man walking down the street sweeping the ground in front of him with a white cane, you don’t stand squarely in front of him and expect him to go around you – so likewise with my father no reasonable person should put him- or herself into a position where you have to rely on his having empathy for you or your situation. On the other hand I’ve tried to give up feeling angry. For some reason (and I have theories – but no more than that – what that reason might be) he just CANNOT see the other person’s point of view or feel himself inside the other person’s skin. He OUGHT to, yes, but it ain’t gonna happen. So I don’t expect it any more. I’m sadder but less angry, and I think it’s an improvement.
All Brother told me about his physical situation is what I saw myself at Christmas only maybe more so. For years and years as he aged, he looked basically unchanged; but now it’s as if all the years have caught up with him at once. He looks like a very old man. He’s weak. He has no energy. He’s got a ton of medicines to take at different times throughout the day; and while Jim says he is NOT experiencing dementia or confusion, it’s hard for him to care enough about keeping them all straight. He’s very tired all the time and just doesn’t feel like doing anything. That’s what he was like at Christmas, and Brother tells me it’s much the same now only more so. It’s the kind of physical appearance that makes people start asking themselves how much time he has left, and saying things like, “Well I’m not saying he’ll go any time soon; he might have years left. I just don’t know.” It’s true, of course – nobody knows. But with some people it never even occurs to you to ask the question even when they are in their nineties. Looking at my dad these days, it occurs to you to ask the question.
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