I know that I shouldn't have to ask this question. I'm sure that if somebody else asked it, I'd have the answer right away. But since it is me and not somebody else, my vision is no longer 20/20 ... and I can't be quite sure what I am seeing through the blur. Besides, after enough eggnog I no longer care how dumb the question sounds.
Finally -- after holding out for a couple of months -- D has asked to read my blog. She was very oblique in the way she phrased the request, but it was nonetheless clear: "I know that I am hesitant to violate anyone's privacy, and I probably am over-sensitive to those concerns, but that doesn't mean that I would not like to know you as well as possible, which means that I would like to read your blog. That said, if you never feel comfortable allowing me to do so, I will accept that too, and understand and support your decision."
So do I give her the URL?
Reasons against:
- Everyone knows you never mix your on-line life with your real life.
- Some day we may not be in the same romantic mist as today, and it might not be good for her to read what I write then.
- Truthfully, even now I have had periods of doubt about this affair; and if I weren't quite so pressed for time lately, I would have written about them by now. My goal is to tell the truth here, whatever else. Do I want her to read about that, if and when I get around to writing it?
Reasons for:
- She did ask awfully sweetly.
- For the moment I am in a mode of telling her anything she asks.
- It would save me a lot of time if I could write to her and you at the same time ... if (for example) I could answer her questions by posting to you. It would also mean my volume of posting would climb back up again, from the valley into which it has tumbled.
If I look at the whole question soberly (damn that eggnog!) I realize that the Reasons Against are way stronger than the Reasons For, at least in the abstract. But I'll ask anyway. Does anybody have anything more detailed to tell me, by way of advice here? Has anybody done exactly this? And if so, how did it turn out?
Is the question really as stupid as I think it is?
Inquiring minds want to know ....
.
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14 comments:
aww Hosea...
why did you have to tell her about the blog?
"when in doubt, take the safer route."
-ben franklin
oh and
Happy Holidays!
I would emphatically say NO. Once someone you care about has access to your blog, you will feel the need to censor your thoughts.
Just my two cents for what they are worth. :)
I would tell her this is your private place, and hopefully she will respect that and not push, and yes I have a tiny bit of personal knowledge. I refuse to censor my thoughts, but I do constantly wonder if what I am writing will hurt someone.
Umm, if it were me, I would not tell her.
It's totally up to you.
I've intentionally tried to keep it separate. But M doesn't even know about the blog, so he wouldn't ask. I also intentionally do not post about my email/cyber relationships, but those are far lesser attachments than with D. I just don't want to hurt the feelings of one friend by posting about another (or about that friend for that matter.) Other than that, I don't censor what I write knowing that those friends will read about M or PH or hopefully future relationships. My blog is more about me than the relationships anyway.
I like the separation. But that's what works for me. Do what works for you.
No. Nonononono. Once given, it cannot be taken back save for shutting down the blog.
And if you need to talk something out about her, ever, that she shouldn't take seriously? It's tougher to do that without an outlet.
No no no no no. :)
Oh why oh why did you even tell her about the blog?
Don't compound your error by directing her here, whatever you do.
Wow, I'm amazed at how much advice you are getting to withhold this from someone who is apparently someone who is significant in your life. I completely understand that relationships don't last forever (believe me!) and that a blog used to express feelings about relationship partners and issues becomes useless when an SO has access to it. That doesn't change the fact that you have a real dilemma here, and that is that now that she knows about the blog, your preventing her from reading it may well *cause* conflict in your relationship because what you consider private may raise suspicions that there are important matters about which you aren't being forthright. The only way poly relationships stay healthy is by keeping trust intact.
A couple of things could happen here. You could deny her access and hope that she will understand and respect your need to keep the blog private in order to use it to explore your feelings about your relationships. If she can also grasp that sometimes we need to vent feelings that need not ultimately cause a partner distress once they are worked through - back in the day the only option was privately to a good friend - and that your blog serves that purpose, maybe the trust issue can be resolved.
If you give her access you may well be correct that she will not like everything she reads. If she seeks access knowing this and has a good head on her shoulders, she may be able to accept responsibility for her own actions and see that she was forewarned and therefore entirely informed of what could happen.
And if you give hre access and she can't pull this off, then the relationship may crash and burn.
As long as you can live with it whatever happens, then do whatever feels best and roll with whatever happens as a result.
In future, I'd recommend two blogs - one for general life stuff that any love can see, and one where you keep your identity and those of your SOs private and can vent to your heart's content. You can always invite a few discrete friends to participate as long as they don't link to it and make the private blog discoverable by those you don't want to share it with.
Privacy and secrets - tough stuff to find a balance for in our complicated way of relating! If I were you I'd be asking myself how much the relationship means to me and whether a crisis in trust could bring about the end of the relationship. If the relationship is too important to me to jeopardize, then to hell with keeping the blog private. You can always either shut it down and/or start another one for your private use only.
The key ingredient in trust is truth - lies are relationship killers.
Hosea, did I miss a post where you told Wife about your relationship with D? A recent commenter implied that you're in an open relationship and I didn't think you were. If so, my advice might be different, I'm not sure.
Oh and if she is still married and considering divorce, if you do decide to give her the URL please make sure she follows very strong security procedures. You don't want to be dragged into a messy divorce.
No Kyra, you didn't miss anything. And as far as strong security procedures go, D is almost hopeless in front of a computer. I had to guide her by hand, very slowly and deliberately, through the comparatively intuitive process of setting up a Hotmail account.
I think for many of us, infidelity came first, then blogging. But for you it has happened the other way. As your relationship evolved, I can understand sharing with her that you blog. I presume it came up because of some dialogue here (or on another blog) and sharing the anecdote with her. Natural.
So before your only secret was blogging and you gave her knowledge of that secret. But now you have two: your blogging and your affair. You need to be super-protective of each because of the consequences of discovery. And since the blog chronicles the affair (as well as other things you've said about Wife that might hurt her to read), you need to be protective of its security.
If she's not careful that makes it more likely your wife will find out. If her husband found it and then shared it with Wife, what would happen? What might happen to her if Wife discovered it?
Act cautiously, especially because of her inexperience. Perhaps you can say that it is a security concern and would protect you both if she didn't read it.
No.
Sorry.
Don't.
Definately DON'T! But.....be aware, she might find it anyway.....
Late to the party - catching up post holidays.
I'm still dealing with the new relationship & the person's awareness of the blog. More than 75% of my posts have been unpublished while I decide what I want to write about him knowing he can view it. You can always share later, but you can't take it back once you do...
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