The evils of rye bread, or, What the hell am I waiting for?

This will be short and to the point.

I have said that Wife and I hardly fight any more -- because we more or less ignore each other -- and that's true. But also the fights we do have are a lot shorter than they used to be. And I find that my own style has changed -- depending on your point of view, I am either more belligerent or just less tolerant of bullshit.

Tonight, for example, I was caught short of time for making dinner so I heated up a Moroccan stew from last week, boiled rice to go with it, and presto – ready to eat. Well the boys complained. "Not zucchini again!" I reminded them that they had more or less liked it last week and in any event that was what I'd fixed. Wife made some kind of sideways comment -- I don't even remember what it was -- and then inserted a whole series of complaints about the fact that I have been buying rye bread in addition to whole wheat lately, to get a little variety. (Wife hates rye bread.)

Update on Tuesday, September 8: I now remember what she said that set off the conversation below. She commented on the ingredients she saw in the refrigerator that I had bought for a dinner later in the week, and told the boys that would be "even worse than the zucchini" ... thus setting the meal up for failure before it ever happened. Back to the original post now.

When dinner was over I motioned her into the bedroom, closed the door, and then said: "Listen. You undercut me in the area of food at every turn. If I make the same things I always make, you complain about dinner being boring. If I make something different for a change you complain about that. But you need to set a good example for the boys -- as it is, they figure that if you get to whine about the food then it's OK for them to whine about it too. And it's not. So you are not going to complain about the food any more. That's over. As long as I am doing the grocery shopping and I am cooking the meals, you are going to be pleasant about whatever I fix. Or if you don't want to do that, then you are free to find room in your monthly budget to buy your own food and fix it yourself. I'll still feed the boys, but we'll give you a special shelf of your own in the fridge and you can have what you like. We won't eat your food and you won't eat ours. Those are your choices."

She responded by ringing various changes on "Why do you get to decide what we eat?"

Because I do the shopping and the cooking -- if you ever bothered to do either one, then you could buy and fix what you like.

"Everybody else in the house hates rye bread so why do we have to eat that and nothing else?"

I buy several different types of bread; and in fact Son 1 is merely indifferent to rye and Son 2 likes it as well as I do.

"No he doesn't -- Son 2 likes dark rye with cheese; other than that he hates rye. He's told me so."

Sure he's told you so ... because he figured out years ago that it's his job to look after you emotionally, so he just doesn't share his more general opinion with you. He tells you what he thinks you want to hear.

"Maybe he's just telling you what you want to hear!"

Well no, because I can watch his face and see him truly enjoy a lot of different foods. It's not about his words. Have you ever even seen Son 2's face?

Then she said something -- I forget what -- that led me to suggest to her there was another option besides buying her own food. She could find the money for an apartment.

"Why should I move instead of you?"

You'll pay the mortgage with what, exactly?

"If you divorce me you'll owe spousal support. And don't think you'll automatically get the boys, no matter what D has been telling you!"

D? What does she have to do with this?

"Oh, don't think I didn't see the two of you sitting close together staying up late when she was here ... talking together about me. I'm sure she told you that you'd automatically get the boys, but you'd better not believe it."

Actually I don't think anything is automatic once you step into a courtroom. Why? Do you think it's automatic the other direction?

"Well ...."

Because I assume that once you step into court all bets are off. I take nothing for granted there. You might want to think about that before you get too cocky.

Pulling the discussion back to food, I reminded her again that she could always do the shopping if she wanted to.

"Yes, and then you'll go over the receipt line by line to decide if you want to pay your share or not."

That's true, because I don't want to pay for the next time you buy five pounds of broccoli that we will never eat before it rots. But you have the same privilege when I shop.

"So I could refuse to pay for the rye bread if I want?"

You could. I don't know what I would do next, if you did. And so I might suggest that you think for a while if that's something you really want to do, before doing it. Anyway, that's all I had to say.

And I stood up from the bed and walked out.

I have admitted to you all that the Judith Wallerstein book spooked me, and that I became very quiet and thoughtful when I read that if you can choose and your kids are in pre-adolescence (as ours both are) then maybe you want to think about staying together "for the sake of the kids" just another few years. But then we have a night like this and I just can't believe that I would ever have any doubts about moving forward. I am certain that when Wallerstein talks about staying together during these years to preserve a stable atmosphere, this atmosphere is not what she has in mind.

I probably am becoming more belligerent. I know I am becoming more intolerant.

What a mess. I hope your day is better than that.