Banquet dinners

Dear Son 2,

 

When you called Saturday, you said that at one point Mom [this means Wife] claimed she thought she'd "have to spend Thanksgiving alone eating a Banquet dinner." At the time I just rolled my eyes because that sounded so familiar. But since then I have thought about it some more, and I've begun to get ... worried ... at how manipulative a remark it was.

 

Do you see it the way I see it? I asked Son 1 [his brother] how he saw it, and he just kind of shrugged. So I think maybe I should explain. If this is all obvious to you, please forgive me.

 

Also please note that nothing I say here is meant to sound like I'm bitching about Mom. The things I talk about -- I don't think she's doing any of them on purpose. But let me explain.

 

Mom's mother -- your grandmother -- tried to keep people close to her by making them feel sorry for her. And it worked for a while. It kept your Mom hooked until the day her mother died. But at the same time that she (I mean Mom -- your mom) felt so much duty toward her mother, she also hated her mother, and was miserable over the relationship. Other people stuck close to this lady for a while (because they felt sorry for her) but then burned out and quit. They stopped calling, they stopped coming by -- maybe a card at Christmas but otherwise they cut her out of their lives because they hated the way that she used pity to blackmail them.

 

And I think those are the two most common options, in the long run, when somebody tries to hold onto others through pity. Either those "others" end up miserable (and hating the one they pity), or else they burn out and quit. Those are both terrible ways to live.

 

When Mom says she expects to spend Thanksgiving alone eating a Banquet dinner, it's the exact same technique her mother used. (I assume she doesn't realize that's what she's doing.) So I worry about you and Son 1, because I don't want you to end up miserable or burned-out.

 

Just as an aside, it's natural to think, "Oh it's no big deal, really. I can take it." That's what Son 1 said (more or less) when we talked a couple days ago. And it's what I thought, when I was a lot younger. For many years I worked hard to make things better for Mom so she would be happy. Mostly that was before you were born or when you were very young. I assume the only part you remember was at the end, when -- guess what? -- I burned out. But for 20 years before, it wasn't like that. And all I'm saying is that I was way too optimistic when I thought it was no big deal.

 

So fine -- when I say I don't want you and Son 1 to end up miserable or burned-out, what that really means is I WISH Mom wouldn't say things to make you feel sorry for her. But I can't make her change that. The next best thing is that I want to warn you (and Son 1) so you don't get hooked by it. If you can side-step the hook, not get dragged underwater by the emotional rip-tide ... maybe you can keep your peace of mind. Maybe you can avoid both the misery and the burn-out.

 

That's the key.

 

I am NOT saying you have to be mean. Not at all. You can keep right on being as kind and generous as ever. Just remember that it's NOT YOUR job to make OUR lives turn out OK -- either of us. It's up to us (Mom and me, respectively) to do that for ourselves. Of course we love you and enjoy your company. Each of us appreciates spending time with you. But NONE of that loads a DUTY on your back.

 

Just to be clear: This ISN'T about Thanksgiving next month. You want to go to Durmstrang's Thanksgiving this year. I totally get that. And the easiest, most efficient, most practical way to go to Durmstrang Thanksgiving is to spend the holiday with Mom so the two of you can go to Durmstrang together. I get that too.

 

But SOME year, you'll no longer be going to Durmstrang Thanksgiving. When that year rolls around, I hope you can choose your venue based on what YOU want, not on some kind of heavy obligation.

 

Because it's not your job to make our lives turn out OK.

 

All this means is that -- over the years ahead -- I want you to be free and to live in a way that gives you real value. So think about it slowly in the back of your head. Please. Keep your eyes open. Be aware of the issue. And that's all I can ask.

 

Thanks.

 

Love as always,

Dad [Hosea]