Irritating workshop

At work today, HR put on a three-hour workshop about how to develop yourself and your career, and I spent much of the time clenching my teeth. I went because I thought I needed to go, but the whole thing made me feel irritated and profoundly uncomfortable.

Why?

One obvious little thing was that the presenter didn't listen to us. At one point she announced that "all" internal company job postings can be found in a certain database. One of my colleagues said softly, "No they aren't." And quick as a whip she replied "Yes they are," and went on. Really? Would it have killed her to listen to the possibility that maybe there's something she didn't know? Why couldn't she have said, "That's interesting -- during the break please come talk to me and tell me what you've found missing"? She could still have been privately certain that my colleague was an idiot, no harm in that -- but she would have sounded more open to her audience. As it is, ... well why should any of us trust an HR department that won't listen to us?

At another point -- right at the beginning -- she asked us to list the things we wanted to get out of the workshop. She wrote down on the board the ones that corresponded to what she wanted to say. But about half of the suggestions didn't fit her agenda, and she just dismissed each of them with a flip little remark and moved on to the next one. So at the end -- guess what? -- she could look at the board and say we'd met all the expectations.

But these aren't the real reasons. These are just excuses.

The real reason I was clenching my teeth is that the whole topic makes me feel deeply unsafe. I'm not sure why, so I'm writing this post in order to figure it out.

I mean, in the abstract you wouldn't think there would be anything wrong with the idea of planning your career, would you? If you can figure out that there's another job you'd like more than this one, why not apply for it? If it requires that you have some different experience first, why not arrange to get that experience? It all sounds pretty harmless at that level.

But that's not how I react to it. Every time the topic comes up I feel profoundly threatened.

Really? How interesting. So tell me ... what tools did she explain that the company makes available for your career advancement? Just list what she listed, in order.

First she mentioned the system of training classes available through the online HR portal. Many of these are web-based classes; some are conducted in-person, in a classroom. Your manager might assign you a class, or you can self-assign ... though of course if you assign yourself a class that requires you travel to another city and then be out of work for a few days in class your manager has to approve the budget and the time away. But there are quite a lot of these classes, covering a wide range of topics.

Do these classes make you nervous?

Heavens, no. I've taken quite a few of them. Many of them are actually pretty good.

What's next?

There's a mentoring program. I volunteered to be a mentor once, about three years ago, but the "mentee" assigned to me didn't really need a mentor. She had been with the company even longer than I had. But that was the fall of 2015, and since that time I've really felt my ambition in the company wilt pretty suddenly and significantly. I never volunteered again, nor have I volunteered to be a mentee. I think I even wrote a post once, wondering why my levels of ambition shifted so suddenly and trying to imagine whether it had anything to do with my father dying about then. That is, I can't think of a causal connection but there is a correlation in time so who knows?

So you haven't joined the program. Does it intrinsically bother you?

No, I guess not. I participated in a similar program at a (much smaller) company years ago. It was OK then. I suppose this one is too.

What's next?

Next she talked about a Buddy System that is supposed to align every new employee with a seasoned buddy who can show them the ropes. She stated flatly that this was in place everywhere, but none of us at our site had ever heard of it. Anyway it's for new employees, so it doesn't especially apply to me.

What's next?

The Career Development Discussion. This is a formal discussion that centers on you (the employee). The other attendees are HR, your manager, and his manager. Before the meeting you fill out an extensive set of forms all about what you enjoy doing and what you really want to do. Then the others tell you what they see as your strengths from the outside, and help you figure out what you have to do in order to get from where you are now to where you want to be.

Sounds useful. Have you ever participated in one of these discussions? Or do you want to?

I'd rather remove my own appendix with a kitchen knife.

Aha. Now we are getting somewhere. Why?

I don't want those people to know what I really want to do.

Why not? What DO you really want to do?

At work? In the context of this company? I don't even know. But there is no way that I would trust any of those people with that kind of information. I assume that the HR department will always be institutionally antagonistic to the kind of person I am. That is, not every single HR representative is necessarily evil (though the people who rise to the top sure look that way) but all of them want a rational system that allocates the people in the organization in an appropriate way to the functions that have to be done. Well any such allocation will start by firing people like me, because I don't belong there. I'm not sure where I belong instead -- it's easy to say I belong in a philosophy department somewhere, but that might not be true either and anyway probably none of them is hiring. But the work I do for this company isn't who I AM, it's just what I DO. Which means that according to any rational system for allocating talents to tasks, I am misallocated. To rationalize the system they should fire my ass. There's no way I want to let them know that! I need the job.

My boss ... well, he's a mensch, most of the time. He probably wouldn't fire me. But I assume he'd look at me askance and no longer know what to make of me. He'd probably respect me less. People get uncomfortable when they catch a glimpse inside me. It's like ... once, years ago I worked at a small company where everyone knew each other pretty well. I was knew, and so one of the developers sat down with me at lunch to get to know me, and asked what I was reading over lunch. It so happens that recently I'd decided I wanted to read Aristotle's Nicomachean Ethics, because it's well-known and I never had. So I had to tell him I was reading Aristotle. About ethics. "Oh, are you taking a class on the side?" "No, I just wanted to read it." "Oh." [Dead, uncomfortable silence.] "Well I'm really interested in ethics," he tried to suggest, lamely. [Further silence.] Finally I asked him what his hobbies were and we started talking about golf. I know bugger-all about golf, but I kept up a stream of questions and learned that golf was basically this guy's entire life outside of work. We pointedly did NOT talk about Aristotle. And that's not a performance I want to repeat.
This is part of why I hate the mantra to "bring your whole self to work."

My boss's boss? I assume he'd just have no time to waste on whoever I really am or whatever I really want to do.

I also assume that if I did identify anything else I wanted to do outside what I'm doing now, everybody would tell me I'm unqualified for it. In performance reviews I always ask what I can improve, but that's about finding specific flaws in a specific task. I don't really want to be told that I'm simply unqualified, lock, stock, and barrel. But I'm sure I would be.

Why are you sure you would be?

Because I don't fucking belong here! Because if I have managed by coincidence to find a specific task I'm good at, the best thing I can do is sit in the corner and do JUST THAT -- nothing else -- and hope nobody notices me.

Didn't you use to be ambitious? Didn't you use to want everybody to see you?

Yes and no. It's complicated.

Fine, what's next?

Well there is the annual goal-setting process. We do that every year. It's not exciting. Whatever. And there's a process where each boss has to rate his higher-level employees according to they potential: are they ready for the next step? are they better left just where they are? or what?

How do you feel about that?

Well now that I no longer have direct employees I am going to be slid backwards a step. Once you hit a senior level of expertise, the only possible "advancement" is by managing people. Ever since Laurence Peter and the Peter Principle I thought we all knew that some people are really good at DOING but not so good at MANAGING, so that "rewarding" a top performer by making him a manager is often counterproductive. But that doesn't seem to matter.

You've been a manager before. Do you want to do it again?

Not these days. I was always playing against type. I could do it, but it took a lot of work and was very hard for me.

So you just want your job to be easy? Do you think everybody else at work has an easy job?

No, of course not.

So why should you?

Ssshh, talk quieter. If they hear you they'll start wondering the same thing. I did mention, didn't I, that I don't want them to fire my ass?

You did. What's next?

Next she explained the whole concept of career bands, which is what I've just been talking about. She also explained that if you are at my level, basically the only way you will ever advance (back to management) is to leave town, because our office is so small there's nowhere to move to inside it. I asked, "What about advancing as a technical specialist?" She explained that there is such an option in other parts of the company, but our division has chosen not to implement it. Tough luck, except you can always look for a job in another division. Again, that will require moving. Also you are likely never to find out about such opportunities unless you network your little heart out.

Have you?

That sounds like a lot of work. Admittedly I know it is possible to fuel it with passion, but I haven't really gotten there yet.

Has it occurred to you that the reason the company would be likely to fire your ass if they knew the real You has nothing to do with your hobby of philosophy, and is actually because you are so lazy and entitled? That you rely on being smart to coast by doing enough that people are happy with your work, even though if you were graded on the effort you put in you'd be scraping the bottom of the bucket? Do you understand that?

Not until you said it just now. Gosh, thanks.

Are there more of these tools?

God yes, the notes in my notebook go on for another ... [flips quickly] ... five pages. Do we really have to talk about them all now?

No. Not now, at least. I think we've gotten a couple layers deeper into what makes this reaction of yours tick.

Yeah. Thanks a whole hell of a lot.

Any time ....