Meeting my Shadow, 2

Just a quick follow-up to this post from New Year's Day.

Ten minutes ago I was on the sidewalk out in front, stretching my legs for a few minutes, and I thought about this ongoing argument with Marie. And suddenly it occurred to me: one reason that Marie's moralism drives me so crazy is that I used to do the same thing. (Maybe I still do, but I try hard not to.)

At the moment that the thought struck me, there was an example to hand as well. Now, ten minutes later, I don't remember what it was. Oh wait, yes I do.

It was back when I was in high school, and my friend Dale was visiting me at home. I got out my coin collection to show him, and pulled out one item in particular. He looked at it, and then acted as if he was sliding it into his pocket (though in fact he cleverly dropped it on the floor). 

Let me clarify at this point that the item in question didn't have very much monetary value—maybe a couple of dollars is all. In case he really had taken it (and in case he had subsequently never given it back) it would have been inconvenient to replace, but no worse. 

Anyway, I got progressively more and more anxious and angry because It Was Mine and He Had Taken It! When he left a few minutes later, I was storming and furious. Then about an hour after that I found the article sitting squarely on my floor, and felt incredibly ashamed of myself for my reaction. I don't remember whether I ever apologized to Dale for how I reacted—I might have been too ashamed to do so.

[Ooh—an interesting thought occurred to me just now as I was typing this! Part of why I got so incredibly upset was that Dale's actions made me feel Weak, and like I had No Control over my environment. And that's another part of my Shadow that has always bothered me, so of course it was a trigger. Sorry, back to the main point of this post.]

Back then, that wasn't uncommon—I mean, for me to come completely unglued because something Wasn't Like It Was Supposed to Be, and to throw a fit over it whether or not the thing mattered to me at a practical level. And of course every time I threw such a fit, then in the aftermath I felt ashamed for overreacting so badly. It was a huge blessing when I learned to control my reactions, so that I could more often let things go unless they really mattered. (I suppose I had better not guarantee that I never get upset over trivia any more, but certainly it's a lot rarer than it used to be.)

What did I say in my earlier post? "Your Shadow consists of.... things you hate so much that you refuse to acknowledge that they are part of you.... And whenever you see someone else exhibit one of these behaviors, it makes you crazy."

That's just what I'm talking about right now.

And oh look! I used Marie as my example in my last post too.

Maybe there's a reason we are together, other than just random chance. Just maybe.