On lying, part 5

Several readers have pointed out that D is really in an impossible position, maintaining a friendship with Wife at the same time that she is involved in an affair with me. She has realized this, of course, but some days it is driven home to her just a little more powerfully than others.

Two days ago, I got a letter from D after she had gotten off the phone after a long conversation with Wife. She was pretty concerned about a number of things, and her letter began, ...

Dear Hosea,
After listening to Wife talk about your recent behavior, I can't help but wonder about your stress level and well-being. Below are some of the points she made, both about herself and about you. I'm concerned, and I question how transparent you are being with me.
Wife says you are drinking -- a lot -- and that this has been an on-going concern for years. If you are drinking anywhere near as much as she insists you are drinking, it seems reasonable to question your consumption. She says your snoring is directly related to your drinking. Yes, we split a bottle of wine, several times; you did not manifest any hostility and you did not snore. But an entire bottle, night after night? Scotch, three or four glasses? ... I don't understand.

The rest of the letter was in the same vein, and the accusations which Wife had made about me were just as dreary and just as implausible.

Wife reports that you are increasingly hostile and angry; ....
Wife says you told her last night about more job cuts, and you may be at risk....
Wife says that you are overwhelmed with financial concerns and are likely to incur more debt....

And on and on. Finally she ended with:

In short, I am worried. Perhaps you can reassure me, perhaps not. Let's just work towards honesty, our earliest promise to one another, and still sacred.

Now at one level I was fairly irritated at this; I mean, this was the kind of e-mail I was getting from D last fall (see here, et seq.) and I thought we were past it. But at another level, I know that Wife can be remarkably persuasive even when she is lying through her teeth -- persuasive enough even to make you doubt things you saw with your own eyes. So it didn't surprise me too much that she could make D doubt her own knowledge of who I am and what must be the truth. So I did reply to everything she said, item by item, although I fear that some of my pique showed through the surface:

Dearest D,
Oh good heavens, this is ridiculous. I don't drink anything like those quantities. One glass of brandy last night, period. I think two the night before. I haven't kept a list, but the quantities on days before that are comparable.... An entire bottle [of wine] a night, night after night? I would be far too ill to go to work -- the thing is absolutely impossible.
I am not aware of being increasingly hostile and angry, but Wife has been known to say I am "hostile and angry" when I am merely distracted....
I said *nothing* last night about more job cuts ... Holy cow, where did this come from?...

And so on. Item by item. I ended by saying something like what I said just above:

I am a little vexed that whenever you have one of these conversations with Wife, you write me asking about *my* honesty and *my* transparency, when your practical experience should suggest to you that the trouble does not often lie there. But I guess it is difficult to be really at ease when you are thousands of miles away from the situation, and that this is one of the tensions inherent in our relationship as it stands today.... [Then there followed a paragraph that was a lot more romantic, before I signed off.]

So far, there wasn't much in this exchange to warrant talking about it, except by way of random griping. But then the next morning, D sent me a letter that pondered the whole situation as follows:

I'm not sure what to think about my relationship with Wife. After writing you and receiving your letter back, I know I have wronged you and I don't know quite what to think about her. I have never had a 'friend' who literally lies about everything. You write about [a social event we went to recently that I haven't bothered to describe here], and it's clear that you know this woman [someone we met there], and enjoy her company. For Wife, she was a new acquaintance, who was a hairdresser, not a shop owner, and you weren't around for any of the conversation (I specifically asked). I don't mind disagreements over education; I've engaged in a few of those myself. But why lie about the small particulars? ... More disturbingly, she tells endless lies about you; everything from the way you speak to her, to your lovemaking, to your behavior with the boys, to your drinking...none of it has any basis in fact. She cheats on you like a tom cat. She doesn't discuss books, or music, or theater, or philosophy or religion. Our conversations center around the minutia of her life.

As a mother, Wife has no real regard for the boys. Her discipline, or lack of effective consequences bothers me, but many first year teachers [for example] have many of the same problems and I'm tolerant because they are dedicated to the kids; they can be taught how to manage a classroom. Wife is different; she just doesn't deeply care about her children. She has mapped out Son 1's future with a chilling casualness; [she thinks] he's beneath serious consideration because [she thinks] he's just not smart enough to be a real intellectual. Not only is that a completely unwarranted conclusion to draw about Son 1, but the idea that only 'intellectuals' are worthy people is offensive, extremely offensive. I feel she uses Son 2 for low level sexual satisfaction and she works to keep him dependent on her, refusing to either model or teach the social skills an adolescent boy needs in our society. I see no effort on her part to engage the boys or to learn about the challenges ahead as they enter manhood.

So exactly why do I spend any time with her? Most sensible people are more particular about their relationships. If I introduced you to my brothers and sisters, or to my colleagues, you would be impressed and you'd admire all of them. But neither of us admires Wife, and while I may not be as pessimistic as you are about the possibility of real change, the evidence is on your side of the discussion. I find myself questioning you unfairly and without foundation, and feeling unclean, dragged down to a level that is at once sad and yet also frightening and miserable. I realize why you stay with her, although it's not easy for me, and has certain drawbacks for you as well, but above all, I'm not sure how to befriend this woman. I feel pity for her, I remember what she used to be like and I mourn the loss of that person, and I'm sobered by the realization that Jesus' words about the choices we make having consequences we cannot undo are remarkably clear-eyed.

D took the discussion in another direction for a paragraph or so, and then said something that had never occurred to me: ...

I need to understand a great deal more if I'm to deal with her habitual lying, [but] it's clearly clinical in degree. It has occurred to me that she and Friend are actually enmeshed, rather than Wife being duped by this elaborate fantasy about Boyfriend 5 and his family. Rather, she has helped to create the fantasy; I realize she may be making up the stories she tells so often about the various members of this clan. Victim/perpetrator; the line is very blurred.

Maybe I should have thought of that, but I never did.

Anyway, then D wound up her long letter:

I owe you a deep and heartfelt apology for doubting you on any of the issues she raised yesterday, although I was glad to hear that the financial picture is workable, and that you are not awake at night worried about your job. I'm sorry, Hosea. It won't happen again.

Wow.

I'm really not sure how to summarize this. I know I have said that sometimes Wife seems more and more disconnected from reality, and this is part of it. But she is so convincing when she lies like this! So I have to wonder ... does she even know she is lying? (And if so, what could possibly be her motive for lying about irrelevant details?) Or does the truth simply get rewritten before it is written to her memory? Or what exactly is going on?

Most of the time I try not to think about this, and most of the time I can succeed. But some days it just mystifies me.