Wife continues to have trouble keeping awake in the afternoons. I haven’t taken any concrete action because I don’t know what to do or if, indeed, there is anything I can do. But it continues to trouble me.
The other day, Wife called me maybe an hour before I left work. She had collected both boys from school earlier in the day, and had dropped Son 1 at an appointment before going home. She called to ask me to pick up Son 1 on my way and to get a couple of things at the store. OK, no big deal. At that point, she sounded fine.
While at the store, I suddenly wondered if we had enough pet food. Since Son 2 is responsible for feeding the pets, I called home to ask him if I needed to buy more. (This is now 90 minutes since she called me.) The conversation went like this.
Wife: Hullo?
Hosea: Hi, it's Hosea. Can you please put Son 2 on the phone?
Wife: Son 2's not here.
Hosea: What?? Where is he?
Wife: I don't know.
Hosea: What do you mean you don't know? You brought him home from school didn't you?
Wife: No. Maybe he's still at school. I never brought him home.
Hosea: What???? Why not??
Wife: I don't know.
Hosea: Look, this is not possible. Can you just put him on the phone?
Wife: He's not here. I don't know where he is. I don't know why he didn't come home from school.
I whisper to Son 1, who is standing next to me, "Was Son 2 in the car when Mom picked you up?" He said, "Yeah, of course."
Hosea: Look, can you just call out his name loudly?
Wife: Huh?
Hosea: Call "Son 2" loudly.
Wife: S - O - N - 2! [pause] OK, he's coming. He's on his way. [pause] Here he is.
Son 2: Yeah dad?
Needless to add, I lost no time paying for the stuff I had bought, and getting home. I also asked Son 1 what kind of shape Wife was in while driving. He said she was nodding, and at one stop light the boys had to announce to her that it had turned green. When I got home, she was sound asleep, and when I called her for dinner (another 90 minutes after that) she was still pretty unsteady on her feet.
The week before there was another event just like it. One of the boys had a birthday party. Wife had made a cake and bought pizza for him and his friends; after dinner they were going to sit around watching movies till all hours. The boys are at that great age where you no longer have to worry about them breaking stuff (out of not knowing any better) and you don’t yet have to worry about them breaking stuff (out of drunkenness). Besides, at this age they still think there is something intrinsically fun about staying up late at somebody else’s house. (And no, I don’t mean like that!)
Anyway, Wife called me at work to ask me to pick up a couple of odds and ends on my way home. Again, no problem. But by the time I got home she was more or less totally incoherent: she couldn't articulate words, she couldn't walk without help. She looked just like Boyfriend 4 used to look when he was totally drunk off his ass. So as I started heating up the pizzas, I asked the other boy to check her out as well; he and I agreed that we should let Wife sleep, and that she shouldn't come out to socialize. Partway through dinner, she woke up; I went back into the bedroom to tell her to stay there. Nor was I terribly kind about it. Later, after the boys had eaten and were outside playing, I brought her back a couple of pieces of pizza but still told her to stay in the bedroom, ... because honestly, it would just have been embarrassing. I mean, she's been like this a bunch of times over dinner when it is just us; we all understand and we adjust around her. What is more, the boys love her enough that they would be sure to defend her in case anybody said anything. But they shouldn't *have* to defend her, not at a birthday party! She should be willing to stay in the back of the house, if she is in the kind of shape that a normal person would feel ashamed of being seen in.
Along about midnight, Wife finally came toddling out to taste the cake she had made. After she got a slice (the boys, guests included, were all long since asleep) I shepherded her back to our room and explained some of this. (She was lucid for the first time this evening.) Wife wanted to talk a lot about how it wasn't her fault; I kept replying that "fault" doesn't matter ... the important part is that it would have been embarrassing for her to come out.
Long-term readers have seen stories like this before. It is very much like what happened here, for example. Also here and here. But what causes it? What makes her so exhausted that she regularly checks out by mid-afternoon?
Traditionally, Wife has always said this is caused by her illnesses, but lately she has been getting better. At any rate, her rheumatologist says that her tests look better than they have for a long time. So if it’s not her lupus, what then? Her depression? She suffered from depression for decades without these symptoms. What has knocked the stuffing out of her? What turned her from Bette Davis into Allison Janney?
D proposed a theory recently. D thinks Wife might be abusing – and addicted to – her pain medication.
The other day, Wife called me maybe an hour before I left work. She had collected both boys from school earlier in the day, and had dropped Son 1 at an appointment before going home. She called to ask me to pick up Son 1 on my way and to get a couple of things at the store. OK, no big deal. At that point, she sounded fine.
While at the store, I suddenly wondered if we had enough pet food. Since Son 2 is responsible for feeding the pets, I called home to ask him if I needed to buy more. (This is now 90 minutes since she called me.) The conversation went like this.
Wife: Hullo?
Hosea: Hi, it's Hosea. Can you please put Son 2 on the phone?
Wife: Son 2's not here.
Hosea: What?? Where is he?
Wife: I don't know.
Hosea: What do you mean you don't know? You brought him home from school didn't you?
Wife: No. Maybe he's still at school. I never brought him home.
Hosea: What???? Why not??
Wife: I don't know.
Hosea: Look, this is not possible. Can you just put him on the phone?
Wife: He's not here. I don't know where he is. I don't know why he didn't come home from school.
I whisper to Son 1, who is standing next to me, "Was Son 2 in the car when Mom picked you up?" He said, "Yeah, of course."
Hosea: Look, can you just call out his name loudly?
Wife: Huh?
Hosea: Call "Son 2" loudly.
Wife: S - O - N - 2! [pause] OK, he's coming. He's on his way. [pause] Here he is.
Son 2: Yeah dad?
Needless to add, I lost no time paying for the stuff I had bought, and getting home. I also asked Son 1 what kind of shape Wife was in while driving. He said she was nodding, and at one stop light the boys had to announce to her that it had turned green. When I got home, she was sound asleep, and when I called her for dinner (another 90 minutes after that) she was still pretty unsteady on her feet.
The week before there was another event just like it. One of the boys had a birthday party. Wife had made a cake and bought pizza for him and his friends; after dinner they were going to sit around watching movies till all hours. The boys are at that great age where you no longer have to worry about them breaking stuff (out of not knowing any better) and you don’t yet have to worry about them breaking stuff (out of drunkenness). Besides, at this age they still think there is something intrinsically fun about staying up late at somebody else’s house. (And no, I don’t mean like that!)
Anyway, Wife called me at work to ask me to pick up a couple of odds and ends on my way home. Again, no problem. But by the time I got home she was more or less totally incoherent: she couldn't articulate words, she couldn't walk without help. She looked just like Boyfriend 4 used to look when he was totally drunk off his ass. So as I started heating up the pizzas, I asked the other boy to check her out as well; he and I agreed that we should let Wife sleep, and that she shouldn't come out to socialize. Partway through dinner, she woke up; I went back into the bedroom to tell her to stay there. Nor was I terribly kind about it. Later, after the boys had eaten and were outside playing, I brought her back a couple of pieces of pizza but still told her to stay in the bedroom, ... because honestly, it would just have been embarrassing. I mean, she's been like this a bunch of times over dinner when it is just us; we all understand and we adjust around her. What is more, the boys love her enough that they would be sure to defend her in case anybody said anything. But they shouldn't *have* to defend her, not at a birthday party! She should be willing to stay in the back of the house, if she is in the kind of shape that a normal person would feel ashamed of being seen in.
Along about midnight, Wife finally came toddling out to taste the cake she had made. After she got a slice (the boys, guests included, were all long since asleep) I shepherded her back to our room and explained some of this. (She was lucid for the first time this evening.) Wife wanted to talk a lot about how it wasn't her fault; I kept replying that "fault" doesn't matter ... the important part is that it would have been embarrassing for her to come out.
Long-term readers have seen stories like this before. It is very much like what happened here, for example. Also here and here. But what causes it? What makes her so exhausted that she regularly checks out by mid-afternoon?
Traditionally, Wife has always said this is caused by her illnesses, but lately she has been getting better. At any rate, her rheumatologist says that her tests look better than they have for a long time. So if it’s not her lupus, what then? Her depression? She suffered from depression for decades without these symptoms. What has knocked the stuffing out of her? What turned her from Bette Davis into Allison Janney?
D proposed a theory recently. D thinks Wife might be abusing – and addicted to – her pain medication.
But how can I tell for sure?
Arguing against this theory, Wife never seems to run out of pain medication before it can be refilled. But I should add (in the interests of full disclosure) that she has at least two different doctors prescribing pain medication, and she built up a stockpile over several years.
And the theory would account for a lot of data.
Arguing against this theory, Wife never seems to run out of pain medication before it can be refilled. But I should add (in the interests of full disclosure) that she has at least two different doctors prescribing pain medication, and she built up a stockpile over several years.
And the theory would account for a lot of data.
- Wife is frequently unconscious, staggering, or drooling, at hours of the day when she used to be awake and alert. [But see the Postscript below.]
- Wife talks about her pain a lot more than she used to, but in a very business-like way. “Well, I’m in pain again, so I’m going to lie down and take something for it.” You would never know from the conversational tone of voice that we were talking about something that hurts.
- Wife never leaves the house without making sure she has a bottle of pain medication with her.
- Wife seeks out the company of addicts – in this case, Boyfriend 4, Boyfriend 5 [also here], and probably B5’s Friend.
- Wife chronically thinks I am her enemy, that I am plotting against her somehow. When D was here over New Year’s, she thought I was plotting with D to throw away her stuff. (And I suppose she wasn’t far wrong, honestly. See here and here, for example.) Other times, I am plotting to keep her chained to the housework, to trap her at home somehow. (See for example here and here and here and here.)
- Wife has a progressively weaker and weaker grasp of reality. Appointments, schedules, responsibilities ... she used to be fanatical about these things, and now she can hardly remember them from morning to afternoon. At the same time she is willing to invest totally in the ever more preposterous fantasies spun by Boyfriend 5 and Friend.
- Wife no longer seems to get pleasure from the things she used to enjoy.
But there might be a lot of other ways to explain this too. So how do I tell for sure?
Postscript: In the time since I started to write this post, Wife and I have actually talked about this somewhat. She was really, really offended at the suggestion that there might be any hint of addiction or abuse going on here. I tried to put it in the least accusatory possible light, urging that I am really concerned for her because she has changed so much in just the last two years. And it is true that the bulk of the change has been pretty recent. Two years ago she had been weakened by her diseases; she didn’t have the energy she had had twenty years before that. But she was still recognizably a Bette Davis-type. Not today.
So I told her I was concerned, and she told me she was insulted. But in the next few days, from then till now, I have noticed something. On the one hand, she has been pretty pushy about telling me “Just so you know, I haven’t had any painkillers today; so if I’m sluggish, it is just tiredness.” On the other hand, she has been awake and clear-headed at 8:30, when a couple weeks ago she regularly caved in at 7:00. So what does this mean? Could it be that our conversation cued her to look inside for danger signs, and that she is trying to correct course without ever admitting it? Maybe so ... and if that is true, then it is a good thing. If she can pull herself back to a more clear-headed state, then maybe it is OK for her to insist that there never was a problem.
Or maybe there never was a problem – I mean, not a problem with addiction or substance abuse – and D and I have just been mis-reading the signs. I really, really don’t know which it is.
Postscript: In the time since I started to write this post, Wife and I have actually talked about this somewhat. She was really, really offended at the suggestion that there might be any hint of addiction or abuse going on here. I tried to put it in the least accusatory possible light, urging that I am really concerned for her because she has changed so much in just the last two years. And it is true that the bulk of the change has been pretty recent. Two years ago she had been weakened by her diseases; she didn’t have the energy she had had twenty years before that. But she was still recognizably a Bette Davis-type. Not today.
So I told her I was concerned, and she told me she was insulted. But in the next few days, from then till now, I have noticed something. On the one hand, she has been pretty pushy about telling me “Just so you know, I haven’t had any painkillers today; so if I’m sluggish, it is just tiredness.” On the other hand, she has been awake and clear-headed at 8:30, when a couple weeks ago she regularly caved in at 7:00. So what does this mean? Could it be that our conversation cued her to look inside for danger signs, and that she is trying to correct course without ever admitting it? Maybe so ... and if that is true, then it is a good thing. If she can pull herself back to a more clear-headed state, then maybe it is OK for her to insist that there never was a problem.
Or maybe there never was a problem – I mean, not a problem with addiction or substance abuse – and D and I have just been mis-reading the signs. I really, really don’t know which it is.
2 comments:
I wanted to write something encouraging, but what the hell do I know?
I wish the best for wife and everyone.
I was thinking as I read the first part, wondering if she was abusing pain meds. But you're right, how do you know?
My sister-in-law has a chronic illness that puts her in constant pain. She has admitted to overusing her pain meds. There are times she cannot function. But she is hyper-aware and suffers through her pain when she needs to drive her kids or do other such things. She says she cannot be out and about when she's medicated.
She, too, suffers from depression, primarily over her illness. But in general she has chosen life over a slow death (mind or body). That's not to say she hasn't abused her meds. But she's conscious of their effects.
It's clear Wife should not be driving in that condition. I hope she recognizes this and finds alternatives that will not put her children at risk.
Hugs to you. Of all the issues you face, this seems to be the most difficult. I hope you can keep open dialogue with her. No doubt she adores your sons and would be devastated if her actions caused them harm.
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