"Disjointed and fragmentary musings ..."

I mentioned a couple of posts ago that I had tried to ask D why she asked her husband for a divorce ... and that the conversation had proven a profoundly unsatisfying failure for both of us. The truth is that it was a complete catastrophe. I have outlined my first couple of attempts in this post here.

So I let the topic sit for a while. Then finally, earlier this week, with infinite pains, I sculpted an e-mail trying to re-open the question without inviting fire and brimstone down on my head. I threw away most of my smaller, subsidiary questions, and stuck with just two. Although I worded them a little more gingerly, they amounted to the following:

1. What do you actually hope to gain from divorcing your husband that you can't already get without divorcing him?
2. You have said that your asking your husband for a divorce was not about me ... or at least, that it was not because you wanted to marry me. OK, then why now? Besides your affair with me ... what else has changed in your life that makes you take this move now when you never took it before?

What I got back was an answer -- at any rate, in a manner of speaking. But it was nowhere near as concrete as the questions I had asked. It also confirmed my private suspicions that (1) she had no concrete benefit in mind when she asked for a divorce; and (2) it really did have a lot to do with me after all. Here is the core of what she wrote:

I cannot help but think that your ... question is really more than just about my possible divorce. It is also about you, and about us. In short, why after twenty-five years of faithfulness to Wife, have you chosen to have an affair with me? What has changed for you? To paraphase you, how, in heavens name, did we get here? I find myself asking the same questions, of course, because my relationship with you cannot help but impact my marriage. I'm not sure how to analyze this for myself, and I don't claim that any of the following is more than my disjointed and fragmentary musings. Begin with certain characteristics. Honesty. You had that, and a certain steadfast courage in dealing with the various aspects of your personal and professional life. And intelligence. The mind that comprehended and discussed all the intricacies of Greek philosophy was not, could not, simply be that of a student. The loving spirit which could care for Wife, seeing clearly all her weakness, had nothing immature about it, or the wit that drew his children to him in love and admiration. And, to quote Cavafy..." I have gazed so much on beauty/that my eyes overflow with it/ The body's curves...". Somehow, deep within, my heart paused, everything seemed changed. As I wrote in October, I felt that my nerves were exposed, leaving me over-sensitized and defenseless. The inadequacies of my marriage, indeed, so much of my life, were evident. You certainly are not responsible for my decision to ask my husband for a divorce, and it is not a new thought. But have I stood in a different place recently, sometimes watching, sometimes unthinking?...yes. Do I hear music differently? Yes. Too late, too late. Things are different now....

As I once remarked, somewhat desperately, we shall manage very well as long as we are sensible. With time and distance between us, I may choose to live with my husband and have a life as good as most people could wish for. Leaving alone whether that decision is fair to him, or has anything to do with marriage as it is meant to be understood and lived, are questions better left for another day. I have already said too much.

Wow.

My thoroughly mundane reply was that I realized I still had to think through and write my own account of what has changed for me ... and so maybe what she is saying is that her answer will be contained in a conversation and not a monologue. Meanwhile ... she stands watching and unthinking? She hears music differently? I think this is not just your garden-variety affair for her ....

Wow.