"The J Word" (reprinted with permission)

When the brilliant and lyrical Marianne announced that she was closing up her blog "Indiscretion" I asked her about one post she had written a year ago that I thought was far too good to delete. Infinitely graciously, she gave me permission to reprint it, with attribution ... to which I can only say that I thank her and the Internet thanks her. And so it follows.


The J Word
by Marianne, "Indiscretion," July 8, 2008

I never said you couldn’t like her. In fact, in principle, I think you should like her, love her, fuck her, do whatever you want with her. If it makes you feel good, do it. I think you’re great. Why wouldn’t she? In fact, if she didn’t adore you, didn’t give you what you so obviously deserve, I’d be annoyed with her. How dare she? Has she no idea just how amazing you are?

Oh. She does. She wants you. Good. So she should. And while you’re with her, I’ll be with him. And maybe him, too. And oh yes, that other him. You know his words make me melt. God, we are such fucking grownups. After all the grownup fucking, you can tell me about her, what she does that makes you gasp, and I’ll tell you about what he does to make me come. And all the while, you’ll be fucking me, too, telling me you adore me, telling me how wonderful it all is. And god knows, I want you to have everything, everyone you desire. We’re so civilized, so liberal, so modern, so hot.

Here’s the problem, though. I want you to have what you want, but I want me to be what you want. Me. More than anyone. That’s the truth. I will maintain and defend your right to fuck her, a hundred hers, if that’s what you want, but behind the good-natured indulgence and self-confidence, I’ll be gritting my teeth, white-knuckling it all the way.

No. It’s even worse than that. I want to be the centre of your world, but I also want to be the centre of his world. And yes, his, too.

It’s not that I’m jealous. No. Never that (never admit that). I want you to have fun. I want you to like her. I just really, really want you to like me more.

That’s not too much to ask, is it?